Edit of "Battle in Sudan"

Focus

I liked how different your paper was, as well as the unique approach you used to talk about what kind of person you want to become, but it sometimes made it hard to know exactly what the focus of the paper as a whole was. I had trouble finding your thesis; I am guessing that your statement "I know why I am here- for 'a message of love, of Ahimsa, of selfless service'" is supposed to be the general focus of the paper, but it didn't come up until the third page. I like that you intro with a story, but maybe you could get the thesis in there a bit sooner; one possibility is to change "I must remind myself why I am here- to bring medical help to those in a humanitarian crisis" to "I must remind myself why I am here- to bring 'a message of love, of Ahimsa, of selfless service.'"

Through the rest of the paper, it felt like you stayed within the general area of compassion/charity/selflessness, and the quotes you used were on-topic and helpful. I did get a little confused, however, when the subject of trusting in other human beings came up. You didn't mention trusting others in the beginning of your paper, but then your conclusion ends with it. I can see how the subject is related, but it seems to place the focus of the paper more on these kids in Sudan than on YOU, when the paper is supposed to be about you; I think you can tie the subject in if you elaborate more on it, especially when you are talking about how selfish you used to be and why you wanted that to change (if you say that YOU wanted to see more trust in people, then later in the paper you talking about first not seeing it in these kids' eyes but then through compassion and patience engendering that, would tie in much better).

Organization

For the most part your paper is well-structured with organized paragraphs. There are just a few spots I felt were a bit out of place. First, the paragraph starting "MSF is 'an independent…'" I thought would make more sense if put right after the second paragraph, which ends "I am an integral part of Doctors Without Borders/ Medecins Sans Frontieres (MSF)." The two seem very connected, and then the following paragraph (starting "Everyday…") transitions between MSF and how YOU got there. Also dealing with this paragraph, however, I would move the two sentences that talk more about you specifically ("I joined MSF as soon as my residency ended with the MD Anderson Center in Houston, Texas. I am twenty-six years old and I feel a need to give aid to those who really need it.") to the paragraph that focuses on why you joined MSF ("I decided to join MSF because…"), though I would re-word the sentences to merge better with that paragraph. I think that would keep the paragraphs separated and organized better.

The only other time the organization confused me a little was in the paragraph starting "My parents instilled…" The sentence towards the middle that starts "As we got older…" seems like it should be at the end because the sentences before and after it all focus on your parents instilling the virtues and why they did so, while this sentence talks more about how you ended up wanting to volunteer on your own BECAUSE of all that. It would also transition well into the next paragraph about how not very many people of your generation seem to feel the same way you do about volunteering (i.e., weren't instilled with these virtues).

Flow

Ok, here's the really nit-picky section. I'm just going to list out sentences I found little grammatical errors and such in. A lot of these were really small and could easily be fixed by re-reading your paper a couple times. There was nothing too big that I found, and you had a lot of good transitions.
-"As I sow up my patient's leg…" (Should be 'sew' not 'sow')
-"Everyday, I am faced with people in worse conditions than what I have ever seen in medical school." (Awkward wording, especially the 'what'. Could change to "Everyday, I am faced with people in conditions more horrible than any I saw in medical school." This also gives a stronger verb.)
-"I am just as selfish as the next person and that in itself is too much." (This can kind of come across as insulting the reader who is, after all, 'the next person' in a sense. Also, the second half sounds a bit awkward. I would consider just deleting this sentence; if not, emphasize the fact that you felt very selfish in another way.)
-" Suddenly, I found myself concerned…" (I wouldn't use 'suddenly' since you were just talking about how selfish you had been for the past 8 years of med school. Perhaps re-word to say "Suddenly I realized how superficial and self-centered the things I had been concerning myself with were.")
-" My parents instilled this spirit of humanism in me since I was a child" (I think there's some verb disagreement here, or something. The 'since' does not quite work. Either re-word as "My parents had instilled…" or "My parents instilled this spirit of humanism in me when I…" Also, I'm not sure about this, but is 'humanism' the right word here? I always thought it was 'humanitarianism' but I could easily be wrong.)
-" In result, my parents' generation…" (As a result, rather than in result)
-" My generation on the other idea has…" (Change 'idea' to 'hand' and you might need to put "on the other hand" within commas)
-" We experienced privileges from birth and my parents wanted us to know that things did not have to be that way" (I would change 'and' to 'but' to make it sound more like even though you experienced privileges, your parents wanted you to know etc.)
-" Unfortunately, I think this idea escapes much of my generation, and I was no exception until I joined MSF" (The second half of this sentence seems to contradict what you said earlier about feeling like something was missing in your life when you went through those periods of disinterest in volunteering.)
-" We are considered to be the most narcissistic generation ever and our lack of volunteerism only emphasizes this theory" (I stumbled over the word 'emphasize' when reading; possibly change to 'supports')
-"… the dangers of female genital cutting or FGC, a widely practiced, but antiquated custom" (When I read this, it sounded like you were saying FGC is normal because it is widely practiced, and it just happens to be antiquated, which doesn't sounds so bad. I think if you rearrange it to say 'an antiquated, yet widely practiced custom' it emphasizes that FGC is antiquated and unsafe, then that even still it's widely practiced, which sounds more serious. Hope that all made sense.)
-" I hope that I can reason with…" (In this sentence you use the phrase "I hope" as well as the phrase "in hopes." Nothing big, just a little repetitive.)
-"… a shard of glass was injected into her right shoulder." ('injected' sounds like the glass was put there with a shot or something. I think 'projected' might fit better.)
-" She has not yet been so affected with her environment…" (I think 'with' being changed to 'by' would make more sense here.)

Edit of "From Now to the End"

Focus - 6

Perceived thesis: "In order to gain that distinction in my life, I aspire to become a silent leader, a quiet influence. To become such a leader, I hope to share certain aspects…[to end of paragraph]" The first time I read through the introduction, I had a hard time deciding what sentences were part of the thesis and which ones weren't. After reading through the entire paper once, I see the different sentences and how they correspond to the different sections, but from the beginning it is not apparent because you keep using phrases like "in order to do this" and "to become this" which keeps the reader thinking that you're narrowing down, rather than just listing another topic. I would try to simplify your thesis, and possibly combine some of the sentences (or at least label them with obvious 'first', 'second', and 'finally' words).

Another focus issue I had was with the picture. I loved that your paper was so interactive (nice use of hypermedia!), but I couldn't understand from just your introduction WHY there was a picture. If you could introduce the idea of the four main characteristics you're trying to develop relating metaphorically to the parts of a face somewhere in the introduction, it would make a lot more sense right from the beginning. Also, you might want to work on wording the four topic sentences of the body paragraphs a little differently so that their relation to the facial parts is a bit more obvious. For example, "The mouth - an instrument of communication - symbolizes the aspects of myself I will share with those around me" sounds very vague; I would re-word it to talk right away about the mouth's connection with forming relationships, which you don't do until the second or third sentence of that section right now. The eyes' section, in which I thought that "…the eyes serve as a metaphor for the balance of concepts I hope to develop in myself and discover in others throughout my life" was the topic sentence, was the other most confusing in terms of focus. What does that topic sentence mean, exactly? I can sort of see where you are going with it by reading the rest of the paragraph, but it is unclear and a bit wordy. The other sections and their topic sentences were very reader-friendly.

Finally, in the conclusion you state that you hope to have attained "reservation, balance, dignity, and joy…" and I was just wondering if these were supposed to be the key focuses of the body paragraphs. If so, I would try and use these words very clearly in the topic sentences, as well as within your thesis back in the introduction.

Organization - 5

I really love that your paper is so clearly organized - even has subheadings! The biggest issue I found was that these wonderfully organized sections were a bit too separated, without many transitions between them. Although each section is wonderfully focused on its own facial part, it feels as though the reader could skip between sections in any order without noticing much of a difference, which I don't think is how it should be. Within each section, I only found one place where a transition was lacking, and that was in the mouth section. The second paragraph about laughing feels like it comes out of nowhere, and is completely disconnected to the first paragraph except by a single thread of an idea that the mouth has something to do with laughing, too.

A specific way to help with your transitions is to look carefully at your first and last sentences of every paragraph. I found that overall the first sentences tended to be very abrupt, and that the last sentences kind of left you hanging, wondering where the little mini-conclusion sentence was. For example, at the end of the mouth section, you say "David Copperfield, who turned out to be the hero of his own life, felt the need for laughter in his explorations." That's great and all, but this paper is all about you, so definitely end the section by tying that example back to you, possibly by saying "…in his explorations, as I feel the need in mine." The next section (ears and nose) should draw on this last sentence by saying something like, "My explorations of the outside world will also involve constant processing of my surroundings, for which the ears and nose will be invaluable" or something like that. Another example I wanted to point out was at the end of the hair section. You make the excellent point within the paragraph that you need to avoid stressing out over the little things, even while paying attention to them, and I think it deserves to be emphasized in your final sentence, like this: "…I hope to always remember those details so often unintentionally ignored by so many, while not becoming overwhelmed by or obsessed with them." And I would check the first and last sentences of every paragraph throughout, so that even though they are separate web pages, the sections will flow in a logical order as if it were one long paper.

Last organization suggestion would be to expand on your conclusion. I love the epitaph at the end, and it's a great last sentence, but before that we could use a lot more meat! Really take the time to sum up and connect all the different body paragraphs, and use the connectedness of that face picture (in which all your goal characteristics are present) to drive the point home (unity, and all that).

Flow - 6

You had very few typos or little things like that, which was great. There were a few sentences that the wording was a little awkward in, or that seemed to contradict something earlier, so I'm just going to list out each one and explain what tripped me up about it.
-Mouth section, "…symbolizes the aspects of myself I will share with those around me." When I read that I found myself asking, 'so the rest of these aspects you will not share with others?' and that didn't make much sense. I would just re-word that a bit because I know you actually just mean in a physical sense you will be doing these external things.
-Mouth section, "To do this, I will expand my ideas more fully and more quickly before I communicate them." I asked myself what 'this' was referring to, and grammatically it looks like it's referring to immersing yourself in more situations….that sentence, and it doesn't make sense that to immerse yourself you will expand your ideas more - they don't really follow each other.
-Mouth section, "…in order to become a thought provoking leader." I think there needs to be a hyphen between 'thought' and 'provoking'
-Mouth section, "…that first person serves as a leader who spread joy." An 's' is missing from 'spread'
-Ears and nose section, "These moments will become those upon which I will build my ability to lead." This led me to ask the question, 'are you not basing your ability to lead on the other skills you are developing, like communication skills?' so I would re-word.
-Ears and nose, "…make me infinitely content with my life's direction." It seems to me like these small things would not necessarily make you feel better or indeed feel anything at all about your direction in life, but rather just make you appreciate being or existing in the moment. Might be a silly distinction and anal of me, but it did make me stop reading.
-Ears and nose, "…observing slight differences in those around me all the time and address people on a one-to-one basis." Change 'address' to 'addressing' to match 'observing'
-Hair, I felt like it took a little long to get to the main sentence, "Thus, I am equating it with the little things in life." I would just consider deleting one or two of the intro sentences, like the two preceding the main sentence.
-Eyes, "…the eyes serve as a metaphor to the balance…" the phrase 'metaphor to' sounds strange, I would change to 'metaphor for' even though it sounds like you're saying 'for' twice.
-Eyes, "Not so; the deficiency which lead me to my conviction…" I think 'lead' should be 'led', but if it's written the first way in the original quote, then nevermind.

Edit of "My Life Vision"

Focus

Perceived Thesis: "Although the specifics on my future are still unknown to me, I am very aware of the person I want to be and the leadership vision I want to follow that will inspire others to follow in my footsteps." This thesis is a bit vague - it doesn't really give us a direction for the paper, and it doesn't set up an outline for the rest of the paper, so the reader really has no idea what to expect. After reading through your entire paper, I tried to pull out what I thought the main ideas were from your paragraphs and came up with the following: connections with people, appreciation for diversity, the impact of human suffering, how your leadership vision includes relief of human suffering, specifics about building a career around this vision, and the conclusion seemed to focus an awful lot about building a family (which seemed random for a conclusion paragraph). Perhaps you could write a stronger thesis that said more specifically that your life vision includes forming meaningful connections/relationships, appreciating diversity, and developing a compassionate heart to respond to human suffering. Listing these out in the introduction/thesis will give the reader a more concrete idea of what your vision is from the beginning, and it sets an outline for your body paragraphs to follow. Doing something similar for your conclusion would also be helpful, I think, because right now it feels like you spend most of the paragraph talking about a new topic (your future family); I think you definitely should include this somewhere (more under organization), but I would try and keep the conclusion a little more on the summarizing-side. You have good ideas in your paragraphs, they just need to be connected a bit more through your intro and conclusion.

Organization

I'm blurring the lines between focus and organization, but this all needs to be said together, so here we go. First of all, the fourth and fifth paragraphs sounded extremely similar (both being about human suffering), and I think it would help to differentiate them a bit more - for example, I would separate them into a paragraph about how you've seen poverty and how it's a big problem, and then a paragraph more about what you individually want to do in response. Right now there are sentences about both subjects mixed up into both paragraphs, and it would be really confusing to try and explain how I would rearrange them, so I'm just going to re-write both paragraphs. You can take none, some, or all of it.
Paragraph 4: "Witnessing the dire poverty and helplessness of countless people has opened my heart to human suffering. As I walked the streets of India, it broke my heart to see young, famished children begging for money or the single mother with no legs trying to take care of her children without shelter or food. Human suffering is inevitable since at some point we all desire something we don't have, and it is easy to become overwhelmed by the magnitude of suffering in the world, but if we allow ourselves to believe our individual actions will not be enough to make a difference, it will only paralyze us into inaction. Just like cells in our body and drops of water in the ocean, individuals that come together for a higher cause can achieve immeasurable goals. People just need to apply their passions to benefiting the lives of others.
Paragraph 5: "The images of suffering I have witnessed in India have stuck in my mind, and motivated me to find a way to apply my own passion in a positive way. My leadership vision includes a dedication to caring and helping individuals who are physically unhealthy and in pain. Specifically, my heart bleeds for those who don't have the necessary resources to obtain medical help for very serious needs. Mastering the art of compassion needed for this vision doesn't simply happen in a single moment, but rather requires many years of practice and training. This is why my life vision includes a life-long dedication to developing a compassionate heart for the suffering of others…(rest is the same)

I changed some words here and there, but basically, even if you don't like this, the important thing is just separating the two paragraphs into distinct topics.

The only other issue I had with organization is the conclusion. I like what you said about your family (both present and future), and I think it goes well with the idea of forming connections with people; it goes so well, in fact, that I think it should be included with your second paragraph, which seems to focus on connections. Use the conclusion to sum up all of your past body paragraphs instead.

Flow

You did a good job with flow, in my opinion. There were relatively few typos, and I didn't trip up over sentences very often. I'm just going to list out the little nit-picky things I did happen to find.
-First paragraph, "I realize that the decisions I am now making will come to impact future decisions…" 'come to' is unnecessary, could be deleted
-First paragraph, "Although the specifics on my future…" change 'on' to 'of'
-Second paragraph, it just feels like you take a little while to get to the main statement about making connections; I would consider deleting a sentence or two (possibly "It promotes a world where people…" since the next sentence is very similar, and "Many people fail to realize the beauty…" since the next sentence says the same thing and more in shorter form)
-Second paragraph, "I am well aware that I cannot change the entire world…" Don't say that! Individuals can change the world, and your paper should be optimistic about that.
-Fourth paragraph, the first sentence sounds almost exactly like the first sentence of the third paragraph; it would help the flow and organization if they were just more differentiated. I gave an example of how I would start the fourth paragraph earlier, so I won't bore you with more.
-Fourth paragraph, "Witnessing the dire poverty…has opened my heart to the human suffering" delete 'the' before 'human suffering' since it is not really singular
-Fifth paragraph, "Learning to alleviate others suffering not only betters others, but also helps alleviate our own pain…" first, I think an apostrophe is needed at the end of 'others', and second, the wording is a little awkward, I would change to "…suffering benefits them, but also helps alleviate our own pain…"
-Fifth paragraph, "This means that everyday decision and thought processes must consider the ways others are also affected." I would include a 'my' before 'everyday' since you're talking about yourself in the previous sentence, I think an 's' was left out at the end of 'decision', and I would delete 'also' just because it's not needed really
-Sixth paragraph, "Working with people that have no control over the situation they are in is my calling…" This wording is just rather lengthy and awkward. I would change to something like "Helping those who are unable to help themselves is my calling…"

Edit of "To the New Me"

Focus

Perceived thesis: "In order to walk the path toward my own future and my ultimate purpose, I must develop my sympathetic imagination, learn to channel my endless supply of energy, and eliminate fear."

This thesis sets up a very clear outline for the rest of the paper, I appreciated it as a reader. I also especially liked the latter part of your second paragraph (starting "My anger and frustration in life are driven by my fear…") because it was so intensely focused on your own fear, specifically, and it seemed very heart-felt; I really felt like I connected and empathized with you!

There were only a couple of places I wasn't sure about the exact focus. The first was in the third paragraph. After reading it through, I could tell that this was the paragraph about your energy, which was part of your thesis, however this wasn't clear to me until I got to the sentence "My passionate energy…" when it was actually spelled out for me; if there's any way you can connect the idea of your thoughts and the idea of your energy sooner in the paragraph, I think it would help the reader understand the direction and point of this paragraph.

The other paragraph I noticed was the conclusion. I liked that you alluded back to the idea of the hero, like you did in the introduction, but I actually could have used more relation back to the thesis and the introduction. The words 'sympathetic imagination' and 'energy' never really appear in the conclusion, even though they were key parts of your thesis they were the subjects for two body paragraphs. I agree it's unnecessary to simply re-state the thesis, but perhaps include a sentence or two for each of your main body paragraphs just to draw it all together. Also, I was a little confused when you said "My personal calling to add to this greater unity…" since throughout the rest of the paper it sounded like you did not know what your exact calling was, but rather that you were trying to develop sympathetic imagination, etc. in order to better figure out what that calling was. If you just add something to the effect that even though you are not sure yet, you think you might be called to "contribute [your] efforts to salvage the beauty of life…" then I think it would be more unified.

Organization

As I mentioned before, I think your thesis sets up a very clear outline for the paper, and I think you follow that well. I liked how you included a possible plan that was very concrete and specific in your conclusion. The one thing I would suggest you work on in this area is transitioning between paragraphs. Even though I know from your thesis which topic is probably coming up next, it could be more unified if you make the first sentence of every paragraph relate a bit to the last paragraph, and then move into the next topic. After all, these topics must be related fairly closely, since they are all part of your thesis, and I think it would be good to emphasize their connections.

Flow

There are very few big flow issues, so I'm just going to list out all the nit-picky details and typos I found.
-Ok, so this one's the only general one. In your introduction, I like that you talk about heroes, but it felt a little repetitive. I would suggest just taking out one or two sentences. If I had to choose, I would take out the sentence starting "Heroism is defined always in a context…" but it's really dependent on what point you want to make.
-First sentence, "…the Greek word 'heros,' who was…" If 'heros' was a character, then 'who' can be used, but I wouldn't say 'the word…who was.' If this is the case, I would say 'the Greek character…who was…"
-First sentence, "…who was a guardian and defender for the Greeks." I would just change 'for' to 'of.'
-Second sentence, you use both 'of a novel' and 'of the novel' almost back to back. Just a little repetitive
-First paragraph, "…a hero impersonates a shared will of a town…" Not positive, but I think 'personifies' might be a better fit than 'impersonates'
-First paragraph, "…rather I desire to become on who leads 'to accompany and show the way to…'" It feels like there should be a hyphen or some sort of break between 'leads' and your quote.
-Second paragraph, "It is the single most powerful emotion that has the capacity to overcome the spirit." This makes it sound like it is just the most powerful emotion that has the capacity to overcome the spirit, rather than the single most powerful emotion, in general. If you want to emphasize it in the latter way, I would change 'that' to "emotion, and it has"
-Second paragraph, "It is all consuming and once one is shackled…" Two things, first, I think it should be 'all-consuming' with a hyphen, and I think this is a compound sentence and needs a comma between 'consuming' and 'and'
-Second paragraph, "They recognized inequalities in the world…" Change 'become' to 'becoming' in order to match with your other verbs ('wasting') in the sentence
-Second paragraph, "Heroes who have accentuated the pages of history…" For some reason I just don't like 'accentuated' in this context- I think about accentuated being used to describe how a dress can make your figure look good or something, and it sounds weird to say 'heroes who have made the pages of history look good.' Not sure what word to replace it with, though. Also in this sentence, change 'without fear for' to 'without fear of'
-Second paragraph, "Such men and women today and in the past often lived by…" This reads as 'men and women today…often lived,' which is contradictory, so I would change this sentence either by taking out 'today and' altogether, or changing the verb. Also, I think a comma is needed after 'ahimsa'
-Second paragraph, "As a realist, I often loose…" Typo, I think. Should be 'lose'
-Third paragraph, first sentence. I would use a word other than 'compose' firstly because you use this same verb a couple sentences later when talking about the labyrinth, and it also just sounds kind of weird here, can't describe it. Even just changing it to 'comprises' or 'forms' would sound better to me.
-Third paragraph, "Once it is unshackled…with the same intensity that drives me." Perhaps add on 'in other areas' to the end, since this whole paragraph has been about how you don't necessarily feel like you have the focus to drive you intensely.
-Third paragraph, "My passionate energy bursts through…ready to surge…" If it has burst, than it is already surging, not just ready. Either say 'passionate energy is waiting to burst through…ready to surge…" or "energy bursts through…surging…"
-Fourth paragraph, "Denotatively sympathy is defined…" 'Denotatively means the same thing as 'defined,' so I would just use one of these words, not both.
-Fourth paragraph, "…which also encompasses the idea behind empathy. Similarly, but on a deeper level, empathy requires…" I would not use both of these phrases because it is a bit repetitive. If I were to choose, I would just delete the end of the first sentence ("…which also encompasses…")
-Last paragraph, first sentence "…and dispels the shadows that cast by fear…" I think an "are" is missing between 'that' and 'cast'
-Last paragraph, "I want to work to help to eradicate the heavy chains of fear of hunger and disease." Two things First, I think the third 'to' is unnecessary ('to help eradicate'), and then I think some commas would help to break up the end of the sentence ('of fear, hunger, and disease')

Edit of "Vision For a Better Garrison"

Focus

This is what I saw as the thesis: "My leadership vision has three parts: as organization officer at UT, as manager in the workplace, and as loving and supportive family man at home." This sets a very clear outline for the rest of your paper, however I felt like it was missing something. After reading through your entire paper, it seems like you end up trying to emphasize how you want to change from your otter personality to the golden retriever. If this is, in fact, the case, I would edit your thesis (or at least add in a sentence before or after) about how your overall goal is to develop the golden retriever qualities in all three of these areas. As it stands right now, your last sentence of the second to last paragraph, "By this time, I want my personality type to change from otter to golden retriever," lands kind of like a bombshell on the reader. So along with mentioning it earlier in your paper, I would try to make mention of it throughout - subtly; for instance, somewhere in the intro you could list out some of the qualities of the golden retriever (which I think you should do anyway, in case other readers have not taken the personality test like I have and so do not know what qualities a golden retriever exhibits), and then in your body paragraphs you can just add a sentence or two about how the things you plan on doing will help develop one or more of those retriever qualities.

The only other point where I had trouble seeing the focus was in your second paragraph. I felt like you were jumping back and forth between "communication skills," "home skills," and "work life skills," when your topic sentence made it sound like you were just going to be focusing on "developing [your] communication and home skills." Possibly re-naming these would help, just because right now they sound so vague, but also make sure you don't introduce "work life skills" out of the blue, even though I understand how it connects into it all.

Organization

For the most part, your paper is organized very well, with clear topics and transitions, following the thesis almost word for word. There were only two big things I found myself jumbling with. The first of these is the introduction. I think it would transition smoother within the paragraph if you started off with your sentences about the personality types (this is especially true if you choose to focus more on the change from otter to retriever), and then continued with your examples of how these qualities helped make you a good leader in high school. And then continue with how even with all this prior leadership experience, you hope to become a leader in new areas and in new ways in the future; and finally your thesis sentence(s).

The other area I stumbled over organization was in paragraphs three and four. In the first few sentences of paragraph three you talk about your career goals, specifics like what type of job you want, etc. Then you seem to back track to college goals and pre-professional stuff, and in the next paragraph you go back again to more specifics about your career goals. I would suggest separating your college goals into a paragraph before paragraph three, and then combining the rest of paragraphs three and four.

Flow

Ok, I'm just going to list out all the little nit-picky things I found. Overall, though, I could just read through your paper pretty easily.
-Watch your passive voice throughout; I know it's hard when you're listing out goals (i.e. "I will, I have, etc.") but it would really help make it a more forceful paper
-Possibly change "Right now, I am definitely an otter" to something like "Throughout high school, and even now, I would consider myself an otter." I suggest the change just because "right now" doesn't include your past high school experiences, which you're talking about.
-I wasn't sure if there was a specific reason for why you did not include "a" or "an" within your thesis ("as an organization officer at UT, as a manager in the workplace, and as a loving and supportive family man…") and I actually tripped over it a little bit when reading through. If there's a reason, then don't worry about it.
-The two sentences in your second paragraph that start "I grew up as…" and "So if I have boys…" are so closely related, I think they should be combined.
-The second paragraph, most notably the first half of it, has almost the exact same sentence structure repeated over and over again; I would try to mix up the structure and length, just to keep the reader engaged. (Not so much "To do this, I will this")
-In the third paragraph, the sentence starting "I always enjoy working with people…" I tripped up over a few things. First, should "always enjoy" be changed to "have always enjoyed," I'm not quite sure why, but it seems to sound better when I say it that way, especially since the next half of your sentence builds on that with the future tense. Also, I think you need a comma after 'people' before 'and'. Lastly, if you could use the root "manage" only once instead of twice (you have "management" and "to manage"), I think it would flow more smoothly.
-In the sentence starting "In most hierarchal companies…" in the third paragraph, I'm not sure what "a similar one" is referring to.
-The sentence starting "So while my goal…" in the third paragraph I felt should be rearranged so that it reads "So while it will certainly require significant work and effort on my part, my goal is certainly attainable" just because you were describing the significant work and effort right before this sentence.
-In the fifth paragraph, I would change the word 'leadership' in the phrase "is my leadership as family man" because you use that word in that sentence once already.
-On a similar note, I thought that changing the second time you use 'family' to 'internal' (in the phrase "negotiate family conflicts") would improve flow and variety.
-Wasn't quite sure what you meant by "coachable husband" in the fifth paragraph, but that could just be my problem!
-In the sentence "My goal here is to have compassion…" in the fifth paragraph, I think an "and" was accidentally left out between "compassion" and "empathy."
-"I plan on helping them with their homework until they become smarter than I" I think 'I' should be 'me'. Same goes for "The unique connection between my parents and I…"
-"But the repercussions of these incidents on me…" Awkward wording, possibly change to "But the repercussions these incidents have had on me…"