Focus
Review 1:
While this thesis does lead well into the subsequent paragraphs, it does not cover all of the topics you lead to. Specifically, it fails to introduce your discussion of your future job and the roll of leadership, etc. If you could just add or rework a clear statement containing all you discus in your paper.
There is a good unity of the focus of your paper: the various parts of the papers do coordinate and relate to each other and there is a relation between the body and thesis idea, although this relation could be made clearer.
The topic fits very well in with the prompt and the content is great. I would suggest that in your penultimate paragraph you discuss how you are not defined by a job, but rather your job should be an extension of your true nature. Finding your future career is not the goal; the goal is to figure out who you are and find a career that expresses that. Too many people relate finding a field of study with figuring out who you are. These two aspects are related but who you are is not derived from what your job is.
Review 2:
Review 3:
Your focus was sharp and clear throughout your paper and you did a good job relating your ideas back to a central theme. However, I think it might be helpful to mention your ultimate role as a helper/leader more directly in your thesis. At this point, your thesis makes it seem like your paper will focus most on cultivating the mind and virtue as a way to way to be happy and successful, which the first half of your paper does. But it would make the whole more unified if you mentioned how the mind/virtue connects with your roles at the very beginning.
Review 4:
Review 5:
Adam:
Organization
Review 1:
Review 2:
Review 3:
There seemed to be a break when you mentioned your role model in the third paragraph. It didn't fit in exactly with the rest of the paragraph. I think it might work better to make a new paragraph about your role-model and expand it a little bit. Your discussion of your role model seems to be a slightly different idea than, though a continuation of, the idea in the third paragraph.
Also, the paragraph about growth seemed incomplete. You introduce the idea but didn't develop it much. As it seems to be an important part of your argument later on, the idea of the cultivated mind definitely needs to be expanded in this paragraph.
Review 4:
Review 5:
Adam:
Your conclusion does a fine job of returning to the introduction and the thesis--just make sure the body does the same.
Flow
Review 1:
Despite the excellent flow through the body of the paper, I would suggest you add conclusive paragraph at the end that really brings the paper back to the beginning and combines and recaps everything. Right now I feel that the paper has a too abrupt ending.
Review 2:
Review 3:
Review 4:
Review 5:
Adam:
Be sure to avoid thinking in chunks of phrases, like "The truth of the matter is that." When you have phrases like that, you can usually just delete them and move on to what you want to say. The rule of thumb, remember, is "Don''t write anything you wouldn''t say aloud, but don''t write anything you''d hear spoken at a Limited Too." In other words, keep your writing conversational, yet tight. Look for unnecessary phrasing.
What I saw as your thesis is that you currently do not know who you are and your first year at college has not been an enlightening journey of self-discovery, but you do know that you have grown in character.
I think the core purpose/thesis of your paper was to emphasize the importance of finding self and bettering self as a goal for your life. I especially like how you put it: keeping an open heart with a virtuous core. All of your quotes are very insightful and you use them as more than just backup for your points; you state them, then explain them further.
Thesis: By developing a cultivated mind controlled by virtue, I can become the person I want to be and make meaningful contributions with my actions.
The introduction is poignant and personal, but ending with a rhetorical question does little for the sake of an argument or leadership vision. It was a little unclear as to what the defining thesis was; what I got was the idea of being "enough" for oneself, and doing so in love and servitude. I don't know if that was supposed to be the main idea, as the prose was often towards the vague side.
From reading your paper, I perceived the thesis to be enclosed in the statement: "I know that no matter what organizations I get involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a 'cultivated mind. . . guided and controlled by virtue,' then I can be successful in all of them. I can be enough." From this assertion alone, I would anticipate a paper that continually questions one's current situation but believes in a more high grounded motivation for action, an admirable occupation to fill one's livelihood resulting in ultimate fulfillment. This is maintained in the basic sense, but I feel that you don't explicitly state why you feel the need to be 'enough' or what state you are 'enough' to overcome. What exactly, in the most personal sense, is the 'status quo' stated on page 3? What moral temptations must one supercede to make a virtuous character so commendable? Your faith seems to have considerable influence in your paper, as it is mentioned several times, yet there is not a single Biblical quote. Substituting the Switchfoot quotes, which the reader may view as less intrinsically profound (despite their spiritual reverence) with Biblical or religious literary quotes would greatly enhance your paper. If you don't have a particular Biblical quote in mind, something from C.S. Lewis or another personage established in both the theological and literary field would make your paper more insightful. Also, I might suggest a reference to the Tennyson's The Lotus Eaters in your discussion on the complacent mindset. I think your theme of being 'enough' is wonderful, and you have a great start, but expanding on why and what 'enough' means would really make your paper shine!
The best I can tell, your thesis is these few sentences: "I know that no matter what organizations I get involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a "cultivated mind…guided and controlled by virtue," then I can be successful in all of them. I can be enough." So we''re looking for (1) an explanation of what a "cultivated mind...guided and controlled by virtue" means to you, and (2) how you''re going to apply this concept to your future life.
The organization seems fine. The only thing I can comment on is that the second paragraph is centered which makes it hard to distinguish indents, but this is more of a formatting issue. Good Job! ;)
Your intro was great because you pointed out something we all notice-the tower-then use it to describe how you are still searching for an identity, which is something we all struggle with. You really draw the reader in at this point. Next, you immediately mention your thesis/purpose and go on to describe the kind of person you want to become. You mention service and compassion as pathways to a successful and meaningful life. While you gave a general overview of characteristics and goals, you did give a list of specific career paths. Both aspects added to your paper. Overall, your organization was logical and ideas stemmed off one another; everything was connected well. You had great quotes, both from class and outside. I love your intro and your title made me curious to read this paper. Great conclusion as well. Overall, very inspiring!
Your organization was very well structured and easy to follow, which made it easy to read and understand your paper. However, I think the transitions could be smoothed over. On first read, I felt like I was jumping from idea to idea instead of reading one continuous thought. For example, the transition between your role model and never-ending growth was a little abrupt. A transition sentence that connects the two a little more might be helpful. Connecting the individual paragraphs and ideas more directly will also help your paper be a more unified whole.
The paragraphs seemed unified individually, but didn't really cohere as a unified leadership vision. There is a clear introduction and conclusion, but little in between states a definitive plan of action. A lot of the transitions consist of one paragraph ending in a rhetorical question, and the ensuing paragraph beginning with some sort of response. While this does serve as a transitional device, it is a little overused.
Your paper is well organized, there seems to be a rational progression of thought, along with a several questions followed by logical answers. Your transitions between paragraphs successfully link your ideas to each other, just be careful about being repetitive with conclusion and introduction sentences. For example, you end paragraph three with the words "grow and change," but you also begin the paragraph four with that same basic phrase. Tweaking your word choice would not only preserve your basic idea, but add deeper insight to what you are trying to say. You might use the words: evolve, progress, develop, along with other descriptors that could take the idea you first introduced and put it in a fresher perspective, adding more meaning. Also, your conclusion would be more effective if at least one really sparkling literary quote was brought in or referenced to from earlier in the paper. I know the Switchfoot song ties your title and theme together, but I really believe that careful searching would bring to light a quote that also discusses fulfillment and would be just as, or more, reflective while bring more literary and intellectual credibility to your paper.
I think you explain your points backwards from your thesis, first telling us that (2) how you''re going to do it is through doing everything in love, then telling us that (1) a cultivated mind displays never-ending growth and change. You might want to switch these in the body and use some transitions to show us that you''re defending the key terms of your thesis. I''d also elaborate more on the cultivated mind part, since it''s pretty much your thesis.
Is the next paragraph, on being a hero, part of this same argument? At the moment I''m not sure what it''s supporting. I think it''s theoretically starting you on the action-plan section that will carry you to the end of the paper, but you need to contextualize it more. Make sure you''re signaling to the reader that you''re switching gears; don''t just run them off the cliff. You''ll also need to connect this graf on the other end--when you start talking about your own potential leadership. The "So" format isn''t particularly helping, in this case, because the paragraph is mostly about you not knowing what you want to do. You might want to be a little more specific about how your role models compel you to act heroically before getting wishy-washy, or you might want to shift the focus to the things you do know, the traits you will possess regardless of the specifics.
Overall, I would say that the paper flows very nicely. There is a clear and intelligible progressive and easy to follow flow from the intro to the end. I especially liked how you ended paragraphs introducing the idea you would expand on in the next. For example: "I will naturally become a leader in every are of my life. (next paragraph) We have tossed around words like 'leader and hero'…" I think that this does a good thing for the overall progression of thoughts throughout the paper.
I think your paper was strong specifically because of its great flow and readability. Your writing style here is very personal and conversational, which makes your ideas easy to follow. I did not feel alienated as a reader, but rather drawn in. Your paper was interesting and inspiring all the way through. I don't have many suggestions here-great job!
- Though your writing is clear and easy to understand, it does get a little wordy at times. Cutting down will help a lot!
- The overall flow of your paper was smooth and easy to follow, though stronger transitions will make the flow even better.
- I think you could strengthen your first sentence a lot if you make it more direct. Boil it down to what's really important and use "me" or "us" when discussing how the tower reminds you to "know thyself."
- "I have felt some leanings towards the field of education and a calling to serve students who are going through their own identity search, although I will need a lot more experience myself to be ready to do so effectively whether it's becoming an expert in one field such as theology or concentrating on general psychology and education courses." This sentence is incredibly long! I would suggest breaking it either after "…field of education" or after "identity search." Regardless of where you break it up, the whole thing could be made more concise.
- Double check the "cultivated min_" after the third picture.
- "History is littered with people who led an unglamorous life, a life filled with mistakes, and even a life filled with failures but who made a positive impact on the world around them, and they did not have it all planned out by eighteen." - All of the "life"s in here should be "lives," since you're talking about multiple people. I like the structure of this sentence, but it would be even more powerful if it were less wordy! (Perhaps something along the lines of "History is littered with people who lived unglamorous lives filled with mistakes and even failures, but who positively impacted the world around them. None of them had their life planned out by eighteen.")
Oftentimes, transitions such as, "In order to answer that question, I would like to go back to the shores of Waller Creek," feel immature as a writer, and unnecessary, although they may be effective. While it is perfectly acceptable to be writing in the first person, as one should be in discussing their leadership vision, the writer must also assume that their readers are of equal intellect and do not need such base and obvious lead-ins to arguments. Also, all the rhetorical questions lose their impact when used repeatedly, just as the phrases, "I believe" and "I think" do. Just say it like you mean it! Also, phrases like, "Nature herself reminds us that good things come…with lots and lots of patience" could be reworded to better represent a more elevated and sophisticated tone. While the current tone is a little more personal and easier for the reader to relate to, it makes it sound less collegiate and refined.
Your paper flows nicely within and between paragraphs, and your paper is written in an easy to read, colloquial tone. My main criticism would be that at times, the paper can be too informal. This can be basically be summed up in the construction of sentences beginning with "So." This phrase adds nothing to the meaning of your sentence and seems to interrupt the natural flow, either deleting it completely (which in most cases I would recommend), rewording the sentence, or adding a phrase such as "as a result, consequentially, or in retrospect," depending on the context. I know that this type of sentence construction occurs in paragraph 2,3, 6 and the conclusion. Similarly, replacing some more cliché phrases that have lost some meaning in their overuse could add more insight and originality to your paper. Phrases in the first paragraph alone, "The truth of the matter" and "twiddling your thumbs" could be morphed into more visceral, descriptive metaphors. You clearly have a writer's voice that excels in logical, effective explanation of meaning, just be careful on your word and phrase choice with respect to your audience. Keep up the good work, this is the LAST DRAFT OF THE LAST PAPER!! Yay!
Watch out for awkward sentences, especially ones that make first impressions:
"For almost an entire year now, the temple replica on the top of the UT Tower has loomed overhead, constantly reminding you to "Know Thyself," and thus becoming the source of many guilty pangs - at least for me."
"For almost an entire year now" comes from your POV, not the general "you," who is being reminded to "Know Thyself." You address this at the end of the sentence, but why not just put the whole thing in first person? It would be much less awkward.