Focus

Thesis: A specific leadership vision may begin to materialize in the years to come, but for now I know that no matter what organizations I get involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a "cultivated mind…guided and controlled by virtue," then I can work towards becoming a successful leader in all of them - the hero of my own life. I can be enough.
I tried to point more towards these sentences as my thesis by changing my introductory paragraphs a bit, as well as changing the wording to mention more specifically 'leadership vision' and how it included becoming a leader/helper, in general.
I also used the advice of many of my graders and expanded on the paragraph about a cultivated mind, as well as creating a new paragraph entirely to expand on my role model.
I added more to the conclusion to try and pull things together more, as well as make it a less abrupt ending.
I added in a couple quotes, including one from biblical sources, to add some credibility and sophistication to the overall tone of the paper, as well as to reemphasize the importance of religion in my life and in this paper.

Organization

There was not too very much to change here, but I did re-arrange the order of a couple of body paragraphs, as well as creating a few new ones to separate and expand on some individual ideas. I think my thesis does a good job of setting up the general outline of my paper and the topics I want to cover now, and I stick to that sequence, as well as mentioning them all again in the conclusion.
I tried to re-word a lot of the introduction and conclusion sentences for each body paragraph to help with transitions.

Flow

I tried to cut down on the cliché lines, as well as my habit of using 'so' to start sentences and transition. I cut back on some lengthy sentences, and tried to consolidate in a few nasty places.
Again, transitions were looked at and tweaked throughout.