Focus
Reviewer 1
Also, look at the first sentences of each paragraph and make sure that they summarize the purpose of the entire paragraph. If they don't, rework the paragraph so that the intention of its entirety is clear from the start.
Reviewer 2
Reviewer 3
I didn't really see any major places where you were not on topic.
Reviewer 4
Reviewer 5
Organization
Reviewer 1
Reviewer 2
Reviewer 3
Reviewer 4
Reviewer 5
Flow
Reviewer 1
Reviewer 2
Reviewer 3
But here are a few sentences I noticed anyways:
"Out of this awareness compassion naturally arises, but Dass points out in his book that too often we do not allow that compassionate feeling to be expressed because of our own fears and insecurities."
Compassion arises naturally out of this awareness. Yet too often our fears and insecurities prevent us from expressing that compassion. (Perhaps move the bit about Dass to the beginning of the "compassion arises" sentence?)
"One reason why I admire my role-model, Kenneth Peters, so much is because of his strong convictions; his convictions have made him a leader within the church where he worked and outside of it."
It is the strong convictions of my role-model, Kenneth Peters, that I admire so much about him. His convictions have made him a leader both inside and out of the church where he works.
"...protesting a war through passive aggression"
I'm not sure that "passive aggression" is the right phrase here. As I understand it, passive aggression has a negative connotation. Perhaps something more along the lines of "passive resistance"?
Reviewer 4
Reviewer 5
Go through and make sure that everything is relevant to your thesis. If it is not, then it either needs to be connected or thrown out. Everything should have meaning relevant to the thesis or else it is just filler.
I took this to be your thesis:
A specific leadership vision may begin to materialize in the years to come, but for now I know that no matter what organizations I get involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a "cultivated mind…guided and controlled by virtue," then I can work towards becoming a successful leader in all of them - the hero of my own life. I can be enough.
It takes a while to get to your thesis (2 paragraphs). I do think you purposefully build up to this though, so it works. Your emphasis on the 'cultivated mind' is also repeated throughout you paper. You either directly or indirectly mention your thesis in every paragraph. Well done!
Thesis: As long as I am developing a "cultivated mind - guided and controlled by virtue," then I can work towards becoming a successful leader in all of them - the hero of my own life.
What appears to be your introduction, or at least the first few sentences of your paper, serves as a nice lead-in but doesn't seem to have very much to do with your apparent thesis. Consider condensing your first and second paragraphs into a more concrete introduction that pinpoints your thesis. It sounds like your primary concern is that you don't know enough about yourself yet for you to be able to formulate a plan for the rest of your life, but that doesn't really explain why you just want to "be enough." I do like your reference to Switchfoot's "This Is Your Life," though, it was much more appropriate for your idea of being "enough," or even more than enough. Maybe "More Than Fine" or "Meant to Live" would be good, too =] However, while your reference to Waller Creek might appease Bump, it really isn't relevant to what you're trying to say. Letting patience alone guide your leadership vision isn't what you should be aiming for, but you could talk about how it is one of those pertinent virtues that you are striving for.
Great job improving your paper, it reads very well now and I have extremely little to criticize. You stay on topic, and for the most part your wording is concise but effective. I have to once again reproach you on the use of Switchfoot songs, I know it's a colloquial paper but backing them up by immediately following with a more accredited quote would make your point more insightful and intellectual. I am confident there are more relevant quotes in our reading over the past year that deal with the theme of being "enough." Overall, great job, very few further revisions are necessary in my opinion.
I don't see any major problems with your organization. The only thing i suggest is that you clean up your transitions. Make sure that the reader can clearly and easily follow you from one paragraph to the next.
You do a great job of starting out your paper by anchoring this search for self to various places on campus-the tower and Waller Creek. You also give us your thought process about what you want to be/what you want to accomplish within the first two paragraphs, which naturally flows into your answers to this question. You were able to tie in your role model paper, discovery learning, and quotes from our reading successfully. Eventually you end up mentioning a specific calling for yourself: teaching. So you give us both your broad goals and your specific goals for your life. Every paragraph is bookend-ed by a mini intro and conclusion. I really don't see anything to improve.
Your organization worked really well - it was clear without being too formulaic or overly obvious.
It could be taken that the rambling nature of your paper is form underscoring context, reflecting your own rambling path right now, but unless that is your actual intent, is there any way to better structure your argument? I realize that your introduction emphasizes your temporary uncertainty, but perhaps you could write about that uncertainty, the people/influences that inspire you, and what you'd eventually like to do/be.
Great use of pictures, a few more would really enhance the paper. Maybe some that illustrate the cultivated mind or guiding virtue you talk about. You use metaphors, like the blooming flower, to tie them in if you can't find a specific picture. The paper proceeds in a logical order, each paragraph feeding into the next. Help us visualize how you will become "enough," beyond occupational metaphors. The flower was a great analogy, more of that type would strengthen your point.
The only major change you have made is in the wording of your paper. The things you have changed were, in my opinion for the better. I would suggest that you work on diction. Specifically, your paper seems extremely colloquial. I would suggest that you work on changing your tone so you come off as more serious to the reader. The less conversational the better (to a point). Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that you need to use only formal language, but right now it seems too casual.
Great transitions. All of the paragraphs are well connected. You also have a very clear voice, which helps the reader grasp what you're saying. The only thing that seemed kind of sudden was the paragraph where you start talking about how we define heroes and leaders; you could use a smoother transition here. That's really pretty picky/specific. Overall I think you paper is near perfect. Well done!
I think the flow and organization both contributed to the other, because there were very few times I paused or had to rethink a sentence. It's always possible to cut down and make things more concise, but I think you're at the point where you could polish for style instead of to smooth over problems.
While it appears that your general point is trying to discover yourself and who you are so that some day, you might be enough, the main body of your paper jumps around discussing virtue, conviction, corporate corruption, and other things, so try clarifying how all of those tie into who you want to be someday, even if you don't know right now. Also, the point of rhetorical questions is for your rhetoric to speak for itself and allow the audience to draw suitable conclusions, not for you to lay it out with, "In order to answer that question…" If you could find a way to better integrate rhetorical questions, I think your paper would be stronger and more convincing.
I didn't find any major punctuation errors in your paper. To be a stickler, you use a lot of (-) as a transitional device, which is fine. The correct usage though is to put two hyphens together, they automatically form one longer one, without spaces between the words. Also, when using (…) you should space in between each period (. . .). Along that line, in the quote "He hath no form nor comliness;. . .he is despised and rejected of men," you can delete the semicolon. These are all extremely minor changes, but if you want perfect punctuation they are necessary.