FOCUS:

From reading your paper, I perceived the thesis to be enclosed in the statement: “I know that no matter what organizations I get involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a ‘cultivated mind. . . guided and controlled by virtue,’ then I can be successful in all of them. I can be enough.” From this assertion alone, I would anticipate a paper that continually questions one’s current situation but believes in a more high grounded motivation for action, an admirable occupation to fill one’s livelihood resulting in ultimate fulfillment. This is maintained in the basic sense, but I feel that you don’t explicitly state why you feel the need to be ‘enough’ or what state you are ‘enough’ to overcome. What exactly, in the most personal sense, is the ‘status quo’ stated on page 3? What moral temptations must one supercede to make a virtuous character so commendable? Your faith seems to have considerable influence in your paper, as it is mentioned several times, yet there is not a single Biblical quote. Substituting the Switchfoot quotes, which the reader may view as less intrinsically profound (despite their spiritual reverence) with Biblical or religious literary quotes would greatly enhance your paper. If you don’t have a particular Biblical quote in mind, something from C.S. Lewis or another personage established in both the theological and literary field would make your paper more insightful. Also, I might suggest a reference to the Tennyson’s The Lotus Eaters in your discussion on the complacent mindset. I think your theme of being ‘enough’ is wonderful, and you have a great start, but expanding on why and what ‘enough’ means would really make your paper shine!

-good

ORGANIZATION:

Your paper is well organized, there seems to be a rational progression of thought, along with a several questions followed by logical answers. Your transitions between paragraphs successfully link your ideas to each other, just be careful about being repetitive with conclusion and introduction sentences. For example, you end paragraph three with the words “grow and change,” but you also begin the paragraph four with that same basic phrase. Tweaking your word choice would not only preserve your basic idea, but add deeper insight to what you are trying to say. You might use the words: evolve, progress, develop, along with other descriptors that could take the idea you first introduced and put it in a fresher perspective, adding more meaning. Also, your conclusion would be more effective if at least one really sparkling literary quote was brought in or referenced to from earlier in the paper. I know the Switchfoot song ties your title and theme together, but I really believe that careful searching would bring to light a quote that also discusses fulfillment and would be just as, or more, reflective while bring more literary and intellectual credibility to your paper.

-very good

FLOW:

Your paper flows nicely within and between paragraphs, and your paper is written in an easy to read, colloquial tone. My main criticism would be that at times, the paper can be too informal. This can be basically be summed up in the construction of sentences beginning with “So.” This phrase adds nothing to the meaning of your sentence and seems to interrupt the natural flow, either deleting it completely (which in most cases I would recommend), rewording the sentence, or adding a phrase such as “as a result, consequentially, or in retrospect,” depending on the context. I know that this type of sentence construction occurs in paragraph 2,3, 6 and the conclusion. Similarly, replacing some more cliché phrases that have lost some meaning in their overuse could add more insight and originality to your paper. Phrases in the first paragraph alone, “The truth of the matter” and “twiddling your thumbs” could be morphed into more visceral, descriptive metaphors. You clearly have a writer’s voice that excels in logical, effective explanation of meaning, just be careful on your word and phrase choice with respect to your audience. Keep up the good work, this is the LAST DRAFT OF THE LAST PAPER!! Yay!

-good