Chetna Eval2

Focus:

Your paper reads wonderfully, I have very little to criticize. You stay on topic throughout, building evidence to support your thesis that I perceived to be contained in the sentence, “In order to walk. . .eliminate fear.” Your conciseness isn’t bad, but there are a few spots that could be simplified. Sometimes your wording can get slightly verbose when a direct approach would be more effective. For example, your thesis begins with “In order to walk the path toward my own future and ultimate purpose. . .” The word “ultimate” implies future, and the words “my” and “own” have the same meaning. This could be more concise in rewording it to say “In order to walk the path toward my ultimate purpose. . .” Another example of this occurs on page five, you say “cast by fear of great terrors in the world.” The phrase “great terrors” implies fear, but gives no specific meaning. Is it fear of the unknown? Fear of death? Fear of failure? Rewording this could make it more concise. Overall, excellent job revising your paper.

-excellent

Organization:

Great job integrating pictures, they were very effective in illustrating your points. I like how you grouped a variety and captioned the group. Adding a few more, of course, would also not hurt. Maybe add a few towards the very beginning that help the reader visualize the overall course of your paper or your thesis in a single image, if possible. You also talk at length about helping people, but you don’t have any pictures of these people that you wish to help. MLK and Gandhi are great, but what about those who you wish to aid rather than those you look up to? Who are the faces that will be affected by the difference you make in the world?

-very good

Flow:

For the most part, your punctuation is good. I did, however, note a few run-on sentences that could be split up by commas. In the second paragraph, the sentence “It is the single most powerful emotion and it has the capacity to overcome the spirit” contains two clauses that need to be either integrated or split by a comma after “emotion.” Also, on page three the sentence “But I often feel like I am constantly running around with no direction or focus, only succeeding in wasting precious energy” does not seem correct. Perhaps replace “but” with “however,.” Beginning sentences with but, and, or because can be tricky, you must make sure you have both dependent and subjective clause to make the sentence complete. Also, be careful to avoid listing things in your last paragraph. The directness of the statements is nice, but seems to formulaic—in a “first, second, third, finally” type format. Adding some insight or cross-referencing quotes or topics might fix this.

-good