Review: Oprah Winfrey

FOCUS:

As I read through your paper, the focus seems to become more developed as the writing goes on, but it lacks a major unified theme. You present separate ideas in a consequential order, but I feel that you could connect each of these ideas more effectively to really make your paper stand out. I also can’t really pinpoint a distinct thesis, especially not in the introductory paragraph. Explicitly stating what the leadership vision is or is based upon would bring clarity and cohesiveness to your paper. Another very important element that would really add a lot would be literary quotes. You discuss at length the virtues of a non-materialistic outlook, but you don’t have any quotes to back up this statement. By adding a few, perhaps from Dass, Campbell, or any of the reading we’ve done, your paper’s credibility and overall unity would increase dramatically. Statistics or examples of how or why our generation is “characterized by apathy and greed” that detract from our overall contentment would also help. Other themes you discussed were culture variations, suffering, and medicine. Linking all of these through quotes, examples, or generalized statements would really make your paper outstanding. This is a great start, and with these simple additions I think it’ll turn out really nicely.

ORGANIZATION:

Your organization is clear and distinct, with similar ideas grouped together in paragraphs. My concerns here are the same for the focus, your paper would be hugely improved through making it more unified. This could be done in more effective transitions in intro/conclusion paragraphs and topic/concluding sentences. Tying everything into a central idea or thesis would make your organization more structured and logical. The introduction and conclusion paragraphs are especially important here, as I feel at the moment neither address your main themes. Your conclusion does mention the influence your family had, but it disregards the paragraphs on suffering, compassion, and anti-materialism. Adding a one or two generalized statements on each would really bring it all together.

FLOW:

Your paper flows nicely and you seem to have a strong command of rhetoric. My only criticisms would to be to watch out for repetitive phrases and word choice. I know I got massive points taken off last time for any slightly awkward word, so be really careful when editing this draft. For example, the phrase on page two, paragraph four, “. . .but allowing this to govern our actions only leads to inaction” doesn’t seem very clear with the words chosen. Inaction could be replaced with something more descriptive like passivity or apathy and go on to explain the dangers of this result. Also in this sentence, you repeat the word action twice, which in some cases can be fine, but replacing one of the words with another noun could add more insight to what your trying to say. This is a common mistake and should be looked for careful throughout the paper. Even repeating the same word in the same paragraph, unless it is necessary for the particular structure your using, could be avoided. This would allow you to say more with the same amount of conciseness. Be careful with repetitive sentence structure as well, you use the word “rather” in three consecutive sentences in the middle of paragraph two. I think these improvements would make your already good paper really spectacular!