Pallavi Eval #2

Focus:

I can tell you made an effort to increase the effectiveness of your paper through examples and a quote, by still feel like this is not enough. At least one quote in each paragraph would really aid in establishing credibility, as well as serving to further illustrate where your inspiration for your vision has come from. I perceived your thesis to be the last sentence in the first paragraph, “Both my. . .those in need.” You do stay on topic for the most part, which is great, but I feel like there is a lot of repetitious wording or phrasing that could easily be eliminated. For example, in the second paragraph you overuse the words “experience, appreciate, and different/difference.” Replacing these words with different nouns would add greater insight to your paper. Also, as I said before, watch out for repetitious or incorrect sentence structures. I emphasize the use of “rather” in the third paragraph because it is overused, and I’m fairly certain it isn’t used properly. Play around with different structures, even say them out loud, to make sure everything flows naturally. Reading your paper aloud to yourself may help with this. This will also help in improving your conciseness in a huge way.

-Average

Organization:

I feel that the paragraphs are ordered, especially in the first half, a little haphazardly. Try to group your topics on cultural appreciation and India together, right now they are separated by two paragraphs, and then lead into your discussion on suffering, and then the need for alleviation of this suffering. Also, there is no visual rhetoric here! You paint some wonderful images with your words, but adding some pictures would really make your paper better. I’m fairly certain this is a requirement for P4C, so be sure to work on that before you submit the final version.

- Poor

Flow:

Your flow seems natural, almost in a conversational stream of thought style. There are several repeated grammatical errors that could be fixed that would improve the paper. There is a runon on page 2 starting with “Human suffereing is. . .to paralyze us into inaction.” Splitting this up instead of having many commas would be better. Also there are a few agreement issues, if a sentence sounds awkward, try deconstructing it and see if it makes sense. For example, on the second page the sentence “The culture’s emphasis on family, friends and disregard for. . .” doesn’t seem quite right. First, in such a list there should be a comma after friends. However, you’re using a verb as a subject in a predicate statement in the phrase “emphasis on disregard for.” You could turn disregard into a gerund by adding a “the,” or splitting up the phrase by saying “emphasis on family and friends and disregard for. . .” by turning it into a dually acting verb sentence. Look out for situations such as these throughout the paper.

-average