Prianka-Battle in
FOCUS:
Great focus throughout the paper, you really stick to your topic of compassion for those in need with stunning examples and explanations as to why you feel it is a worthwhile endeavor. I really enjoyed the first person account of your future life, but I had a little trouble finding a thesis in the first paragraph. I know that your supposed to infer it from the context of the scene, but I think your paper might be more effective if you explicitly state (to a further extent) a thesis phrase of sentence closer to the beginning of the paper explaining why your “bringing medical help to those in a humanitarian crisis” is important, how it shapes you. Also, more literary quotes would really bolster your argument for the importance of this calling. I’d suggest looking in Joseph Cambell or more Ram Dass. Also, literary or statistical evidence to support your claim about the selfishness of this generation would add credibility to your statement.
ORGANIZATION:
Your paper is fairly well organized, with each paragraph dealing with a single subject that adds support to your central topic. However, I think some of your transitions could use tweaking. Your writing is very colloquial, but I think ending paragraphs with phrases like “It is as simple as that” add little to the overall effect of your paper. Try replacing that type of overly simplistic sentences with something that adds more insight. Your conclusion does well in summing up the exhaustion and fulfillment that goes along with your lifestyle in a format that parallels the intro—which I think is a nice touch, but adding one or two phrases to generalize this singular situation might really enhance the paper. As I said before, literary quotes would be great for carrying this out.
FLOW:
As I mentioned, your writing is very colloquial, in an easy to read, conversational, narrative format. However, some sentences seem a little awkward, and a few rewordings would really aid in clarity. For example, you sometimes can get repetitive in word choice, like on five you use the word “value” twice and then immediately follow it with “valuable.” Varying up the word choice here could add further description and insight to what you’re trying to say. Also, repeating the word selfish in the first two sentences in paragraph four could be altered in the same fashion. Watch out for word choice issues, because Bump (at least in my paper) was a stickler on P3. Things like “continuous harshness of their lives” sound a little awkward, and could be replaced with “continual/eternal/never-ending” and “hardship/suffering endured.” This borders on opinion, but just look out for anything that looks even slightly out of place because they can rack up points. You might solve some of this awkwardness also by combing some sentences or varying the complexity more. Look for repetitious subjects and go from there. Overall, your paper is very well-done and extremely engaging!