Prianka Eval2

Focus:

Great improvements, your paper seems much more unified now that you have a distinct thesis that you can support with each succeeding paragraph. I perceived your new thesis to be the sentence “My leadership vision is to bring. . .revive trust between people.” One thing to note, the thesis sentence is the most important phrase in the paper, one you want to leave imprinted in the readers mind as they continue to each new paragraph. Using a passive voice rather than employing active verbs detracts from the overall effect of the phrase where another verb would add greater insight as well as resound as more of a effectively summarizing phrase. Instead of “is,” you could reword to say “By bringing hope, compassion, and Ahimsa to those in a humanitarian crisis, I hope to revive trust between people as I pursue this ambitious leadership vision.” Deleting the word “help” also makes it more concise; it is unnecessary for your point. Another point on conciseness, which recurs a few times throughout the paper, can be exemplified in the sentence on page three, “I think the reason my parents made us actively participate in volunteerism is because they came to this country and had to make something of themselves, so they knew the meaning of hard work.” Rewording this sentence to make it more direct adds clarity to your writing. “My parents’ immigration and subsequent need to become established in this foreign country instilled in them an appreciation for hard work, a value they have passed to me and my siblings through actively involving us in their volunteerism.” This not only reorganizes your thoughts into a more linear pattern, it changes the voice from passive to active. Look out for this throughout your paper, any use of passive verbs, words like “it,” “that,” “this,” “so,” or “which” are often clues that the sentence or phrase could be more concise.

-good

Organization:

Your pictures are great, they illustrate your points in a logical, sequential manner, and their captions help add meaning and connect your visual and verbal rhetoric. I really have very little complaints here, your pictures are spaced evenly and in a manner that breaks up the text into digestible paragraphs. Adding any more would likely be superfluous. One organizational note I would make is in your conclusion. I like that you return to the “present day” in the narrative voice, but I think it could be more effective if you brought back in the theme of trust, in a more explicit sense. The last sentence, “My hope is that I am instilling her with some Hope” could be slightly altered, changing “hope” to “trust” or something similar. This goes along with flow, watch out for repetitious words and passive voice. What could you replace that would add greater insight and meaning, how could this last sentence be used to leave an significant impression on the reader? Along with the thesis, the concluding sentence is the most important element in establishing a response in your audience.

-very good

Flow:

Generally, you exhibit very good punctuation. My main complaints serve to follow the other evaluation criteria, look out for awkward, wordy, passive sentences—incorrect or unnecessary punctuation is often a result of such syntax. However, the main grammatical error I noticed was in your quotes. Whenever a quote is used, the ending punctuation should always be inside the quotation mark. On page five, the quote “‘a message of love, of Ahimsa of selfless service’.” Should become “. . .of selfless service.” This happens again on page three in two different places, the quote “an independent. . .more than seventy countries” and “to alleviate. . .human affliction” have the same error in punctuation. Also be wary of repetitive sentence structure, on the third to fourth page you begin two consecutive sentences with “Because,” which is somewhat awkward in itself though can be used sparingly for stylistic effect. Repeating this syntax however, seems odd in context. Overall, great job—your paper is really marvelous in its unique narrative style and passionate articulation.

-good