Review of Rachel, from now to the end

FOCUS:

From reading your paper I perceived the thesis to be summed up in the statement, “Finally, I hope to achieve balance—the balance between dignity and fun, signs of the past and hope for the future, understanding of the world and the pursuit of knowledge, lonely suffering and shared compassion.” I think your paper is beautifully written, each paragraph containing a single focus with relevant and poignant quotes reinforcing all. Your intro and conclusion tie your paper together and generalize the specific topics you mention in the body, very well done. It is difficult for me to criticize, but I think that the only thing I would do to make it better is to expand each topic slightly as to give more information—explicit references to the body part discussed juxtaposed with its metaphorical meaning. You do fine with this in the beginning, but sometimes toward the end of paragraphs I forget just how you’re relating what you’re talking about to specific body part. Also you might expand on why you chose Picasso’s Femme en Pleurs, for it is definitely not a typical portrait. Why anatomy/portraiture? What made you choose this specific metaphor and painting? Explaining its abstraction, what you perceive the painters message to be, and how it relates to your topic would make your intro even better. Really great job, one of the best I’ve read.

-excellent

ORGANIZATION:

Your unique organization of the website distinguishes your paper, I like the metaphorical portrait references and the map-like navigation. As I told you before, you might want to be a little more instructive in the directions—the first time I tried to read it I thought you meant the nose of the picture on the second page and got really confused. There is a logical order and progression of thoughts, unified by your thesis and opened and closed by your reference to epigraphs, which I thought was great. In the conclusion, you might add a few sentences that relate how your life differs from the one you wish to attain, or reference the anatomical theme that is an obviously major part of your paper. Nicely done.

-very good

FLOW:

You have a very eloquent style of writing and are obviously masterful with rhetoric. A couple suggestions would be to look out for any word choice errors, these become more difficult to pick up, but if any sentence sounds even slightly awkward consider rewording it. This goes along with conciseness and repetitive phrasing. For example in the eyes paragraph, you talk about “a keen understanding of the progressive world and the future it is headed towards.” Simply stating the word progressive implies that it is heading toward something, and where would it be headed other than the future? Rewording this sentence by varying descriptive words and their meanings would allow for deeper insight on what you are trying to say. Also, look out for the words “this” and “that.” These are filler words that convey no real meaning and could be replaced with something more descriptive, or combine sentences to add clarity. Wonderful work overall!

-very good