Rachel Eval2

Focus:

I feel that the focus of your essay has improved greatly with rewriting, your writing is concise but elegant, I find very little to criticize. I perceived the thesis in this revision to be “In order to gain. . .finding balance.” For the most part, you provide adequate evidence to support this assertion. To make your paper more concise, I suggest altering some of the listed you employ, such as on the Ears and Nose page, the sentence, “walking on a hot. . .my life’s direction.” I understand the use of such lists for stylistic effect, but this one is fairly long and the reader can get lost in what you’re trying to say. Perhaps shorten it to just two examples or three short ones; this would have the same stylistic effect without the wordiness. Overall, great flow.

-very good

Organization:

Your pictures are wonderful, I especially like how you tied in the Picasso piece. The addition of verbal rhetoric to the painting adds a lot to your paper, and illustrates to the reader how you value each aspect you go on to discuss. To improve, I still think you could use a couple more pictures. For example, while many of the other pages are lush with images, the hair is lacking in visual rhetoric. Because your paper is split into separate pages, I feel its important that each page contains a visual appeal. Also, you could perhaps include, along with whatever literal body part you are discussing, a photo to represent the metaphor you are making. This would help bridge the connection between verbal and visual rhetoric as you develop your detailed metaphors.

-very good

Flow:

Your grammar and punctuation is impeccable; I found very few mistakes. Some of the longer sentences, especially in the lists I discussed in the focus evaluation, some commas are necessary to break up the lengthy sentences. On the eyes page, I think you made a typo on the “eyes” page. “I am always alert to sings of the past,” where you should change “sings” to “signs.” Also, on the hair page, you say “This shows the importance of remembering the less important objectives in a life.” “A” is unnecessary here, you have been generalizing, and by specifying one singular life you detract from your mass appeal. Great flow, not much to criticize.

-very good