My Responses to Others
Garrison
Forum: P3 Date:
Your
knowledge of Dave Matthews really shines through in this paper, and you clearly
expressed your reasons for choosing your role model. It was well written, and
it makes it hard for me to believe that you are as inarticulate as you claim to
be. To cut the paper in half, I would shorten the section on his background to
be more concise, focusing on one or two main points about the apartheid, and
then shifting the focus to the effect his music has had and the changes he has
made. Nicely done.
Yours:
Many of the songs are beautiful rants about the love he has for his wife.
Mine: I would change the word "rant" because for me it has a negative
connotation.
Many of the songs beautifully express the love he feels for his wife.
Rachel
Forum: P3 Date:
WOW. You
really went above and beyond on this paper, and I stand thouroughly
impressed. I love your role model, and it was very interesting to learn about a
lesser known Saint and his huge impact. I have very, very little to criticize,
it is pretty near perfect. To shorten it, some of the sentences were a little repetitive, you may be able to shorten the last paragraph
into a brief account of how his work has affected society, importance, etc.
Also, you could cut some of the OED definition stuff, although mentioning that
and the differences you found was good. Overall, I am EXTREMELY impressed.
Yours:
In response to this battle, Saint Comluba was
temporarily excommunicated and exiled from
I would change "in response to" to "as a consequence of,"
it seems more clear to define the punishment.
Brad
Forum: P3 Date:
Very well
done, you clearly are passionate about the work of this man and are clear and
concise about what makes him important to you. He seems really interesting and
reading your paper made me want to learn more about him. I also really liked
the specific examples you gave about the Brazilian children and the New-Orleanians. To cut it in half, I would say to focus less on
his background and put more emphasis on the specific effects his work has had
on people and music, although you did a fine job with that. Some of the
sentences were repetitive, so maybe just shorten those. Overall,
good job. The second to last paragraph was my favorite, tying its points
to the beginning and intro would really unify it.
Yours:
When we come together, with no preconceived notions, we can learn much, but
also know how to apply what we already know
Mine:
We can learn much from communing without preconceived notions, and in these
situations we may also discover how to apply knowledge we already posess.
Eric
Forum: P3 Date:
You express
your thoughts eloquently throughout the paper, and I can really see why you
admire him. He is a man that has successfully embodied all of your goals, and
you state this clearly. To cut it in half, I would maybe elaborate less on how
much you admire him and replace it (in maybe one or two sentences) with more
about what makes his endeavor so admirable. Was his achievement a struggle? Overall, very well done.
Yours:
A Harvard drop-out, Gates is currently the Chairman of Microsoft but starting
July 2008, Gates will dedicate his efforts to his foundation full-time
Mine: (add a comma before but)
A Harvard drop-out, Gates is currently the Chairman of Microsoft, but starting
July 2008, Gates will dedicate his efforts to his foundation full-time.
Law
Forum: P3 Date:
Well-written,
you were very successful in picking out particular traits about this president
to focus on and connect to his heroic qualities. To cut it, I would shorten the
intro to a basic summarization of TR's leadership
qualities rather than going into detail about the learning process. To further
cut it I would cut out much of the Gawain comparison, maybe only talk about it
in one or two sentences. Overall, very nicely put together.
Yours:
With Roosevelt, one should not view him in one light over the other. If you
were to analyze him from his compassionate side, his dutiful side would be
compromised and underestimated.
Mine:
Meghan S
Forum: P3 Date:
Fabulous
job, you're writing is incredibly intellectual yet emotively expressive. You
clearly illustrate why you have chosen Goethe, and continually prove your many
points of interest. To cut it, you repeated his mastery of disciplines in many
paragraphs. To make it more concise I would cut it to one paragraph and then
continue your explanation on the importance of this. It is a very beautifully
written paper.
Yours:
Though he is best known for his many works of literature, as a scientist,
Goethe also produced ¿a sizable body of scientific work that focused on such
topics as plants, color, clouds, weather, and geology,¿[9] as well as a theory
of color.
Mine: you already mentioned color in the quote.
Though he is best known for his many works of literature, as a scientist,
Goethe also produced ¿a sizable body of scientific work that focused on such
topics as plants, color, clouds, weather, and geology.¿[9
Mauro
Forum: P3 Date:
Great job,
interesting choice of role model but you very clearly expressed and
substantiated your reason for choosing Malcolm X. To cut it, I would focus less
on his background and violent history. Squeeze it down to the bare minimum, and
then shift the emphasis onto his radical change and new life, and why its important. Fantastic job and really
interesting paper.
Yours:
In a postcard to a friend, Malcolm excited explains how he went on his
pilgrimage with ¿some of the earth¿s most powerful
kings, cabinet members, potentates and other forms of political and religious
rulers ¿ but also with fellow-Muslims whose skin was the whitest of white,
whose eyes were the bluest of blue, and whose hair was the blondest of
blond¿[4]
Mine: type on excited.
In a postcard to a friend, Malcolm excitedly explains how he went on his
pilgrimage with ¿some of the earth¿s most powerful
kings, cabinet members, potentates and other forms of political and religious
rulers ¿ but also with fellow-Muslims whose skin was the whitest of white,
whose eyes were the bluest of blue, and whose hair was the blondest of blond¿[4]
Alex
Forum: P3 Date:
Awesome
job, I happened upon Postsecret when loitering in a
Barnes and Nobles and thought it was the coolest thing, I completely agree with
all your points. Very well written and connected, I find little to critique. To
cut it, I suppose I wouldn't discuss
Yours: The further we delve into the relationship between being a role model
and being compassionate, the clearer it is, at least to me, exactly just how
closely intertwined the two are
Mine: Upon close examination, the definitions of role model and compassionate
behavior are inextricably intertwined.
Trevor
Forum: P3 Date:
Fantastic
job, I love Ellen and completly agree with your
points about being true to yourself in spite of unwavering adversity. To
improve, I'd work on some of the word choice and further unify the quotes. To
cut it, I would take out the part about the Academy Awards, or just mention it
briefly when you discuss her achievements. Some of the paragraphs seemed
repetitive when discussing her role as being true to herself (though this point
should be understated), but maybe cut some of it out and provide more specific
examples. Overall, great job.
Yours:
Ellen exemplifies how a gay individual can be gay without being considered
simply gay.
Mine:
Ellen personifies an individual whose engaging, multifaceted character open
peoples eyes to look beyond homosexual labeling.