Coming into college I had everything planned out. I liked computers so I decided I would major in Computer Science and I liked to read and write so I decided I would major in Plan II as well. The CS degree would provide the "job training" aspect of my education and the Plan II classes would be sort of "for fun." So, I set off on this path, full force, and promptly smashed into a wall.
It turns out that I had no idea what Computer Science actually entails, and once I learned, I absolutely hated it. It turned out that I had chosen this path rather "random"-ly, and now I am stuck finishing out a semester with mind-numbing programming, a math class that is way over my level, and a logic class that proves theories of the math that was way over my head to begin with. This is my wall.
My Dad keeps telling me that "college is just as much about finding what you don't want to to as finding what you do want to do." And I guess this means it's time to try another path.
But why? Why put myself through college? Most people would agree with the schoolmaster in Jude the Obscure in saying a university degree "is the necessary hallmark of a man who wants to do anything" (Hardy 648). But as I've been here I've begun to ponder if it is really so necessary. I'd much rather "be a good boy...and be kind to animals and birds, and read all [ I ] can" (Hardy 648), than have to slog through math classes and homework.
I feel like I should be creating something, being a part of something, doing something bigger than myself. Everything here seems so "micro"-oriented. Saying "you have to take this class for 15 weeks and then this one if you want to do that with your life" seems so foolish to me, and I'm really struggling with the big picture. Part of this is because I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I have the desire to make some sort of difference.
I don't think you need to be a college graduate to make that kind of difference. Really, I think you just need to "know thyself" and have a passion. Jude truly knows himself, and even though he isn't allowed to attend college, I feel like he achieved that quality of being bigger than himself. This afternoon I was listening to Common's criminally underrated album Be, and I felt like the second track, "The Corner" was expressing this quality. After a few bars of really amazing word play describing the "corners" that young, lower class children are raised on, a spoken word recording is played, wherein the speaker yells:
"The corner is our Rock of
Gibraltar, our Stonehenge
Our Taj Mahal, our monument
Our testimonial to freedom, to peace, and to love
Down on the corner!"
This is the same feeling that Jude had. People living in
poverty don't have access to these great places, but by
sheer passion they can create their own. This makes me
wonder why, since I am here, why am I not doing anything
that matters? I have all of these resources and
opportunities and I'm producing nothing? What is going to
be my Stonehenge?
I know I couldn't have stood to stay in Texarkana any
longer. It would have smothered me. "But he was too clever
to bide here any longer -- a small sleepy place like this!
(Hardy 648)" But somedays I want to be back in a more
simple place and "be a good boy...and be kind to animals
and birds, and read all [ I ] can" (Hardy 648). Maybe it's
the same relationship as the "Nature vs. The City"
argument, in that you have to be in one to appreciate the
other.