ERIC HUI P3
Suggestions to Peers
GARRISON
Garrison,
I echo Chetna comments. I felt, for the most part, that you were writing a biography of Dave Matthews rather than explaining how Dave Matthews relates to your passion. I don’t recall what your passion was in the last essay. To strengthen your paper, try adding a short paragraph describing what you are passionate about. Moreover, try relating the song lyrics at the beginning of your essay to your passion. To cut down on the writing, cut down on some of the specific details of Dave Matthews’ life. Also, if you want to include his inspirations such as MLK and Mandela, explain how they affected him and thus, how they affect you too.
Overall, great essay!
Your sentence: “In the song “Ants Marching,” Matthews compares busy people with bustling ants to illustrate the impersonal nature of people. The song argues that people do not have time to acknowledge each other because they are so inwardly focused, but they have more in common with one another than they might expect, saying, “all the little ants are marching, Red and black antennas waving.”
Correction: This sentence seemed a bit wordy. In the song “Ants Marching,” Matthews compares people to bustling ants to illustrate the impersonal nature of people. He suggests that people appear to have nothing in common with one another when in reality, they are all “little ants marching, red and black antennas waiving.”
RACHEL MUELLER
Rachel:
Great essay! I felt though, that your intro was a bit abrupt. (I’m not sure if I’m missing something.) I’m not sure if a comic is the best way to start the paper, but that’s just my opinion. Did you write this comic? It’s quite creative, none the less.
Rachel, I think it would help you to mention what your passion is and how it relates to YOU personally. How is Saint Columba life an example to you? Why is he an inspiration to you and what have you learned from him?
Keep up the great work. Just cut down on some of the part of his basic history (while important, does seem to drag a bit). Great conclusion though!
Your sentence: This independence lead to clarity of mind when Saint Columba made vital decisions about the placement of his abbey, those he accepted as close followers, and the texts worthy of preservation.
Correction: This independence gave Saint Columba the clarity of mind to make vital decisions about the placement of his abbey, who he would accept as close followers, and which texts were worthy of preservation.
BRAD BARRY
Brad,
I can really feel your passion for Diplo. You’ve got great energy in your essay and do well to describe his beats and rhythms. It would only strengthen your essay if you were to mention your passion for music and how it affects you. I was hoping to read some more about you and how Diplo’s music affects you and what you are passionate about. How does Diplo differ from all the others.
Other than that, keep up the good work! Just expand on your passion. To shorten you essay, try to cut down on the history of Diplo that doesn’t help contribute to the development of his passion.
Your sentence: This music consists of poor Brazilian children telling the stories of their hardships over samples of American pop hits. The irony is delicious, but the vocals of the young people are what make this music so wonderful. These verses are pure, unadulterated feeling, and Diplo recognized this.
Correction: I’m not sure if delicious is the right word. Also, I think you are missing an article “a” in the last sentence, or use a stronger word than are.
This music consists of poor Brazilian children telling their stories of their hardships over samples of American pop hits. The irony is startling, but the vocals of the young children are what make the music wonderful. These verses evoke a pure, unadulterated feeling, and Diplo recognized this.
LAW TSAI
Rawlence:
Great use of examples to prove “Teddy’s” compassionate nature! If you feel that the essay is too wordy, you could probably cut down on some of the examples. Also, great use of Gawain and the Green Knight.
To improve the essay, try to talk about what YOUR passion is in the beginning of your paper first. I know you have a passion for compassion. Try to express to the readers how Teddy’s compassion impacts you. Explain that you want to emulate his actions and that’s why he is your role model.
You have a great introduction. Try to make it more circular closing by tying in the quote again and allude to the future. How will you “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Great Job!
Your sentence: Given the fact that he was president, one may
argue that
Correction: You have a modifier problem. Given the fact that
he was president,
MARY
Mary:
Very great, engaging introduction. I think you can make it stronger by removing the wikipedia reference and by ending the paragraph with a simple sentence like. Gaudi is that hero. You were able to effectively convey Gaudi’s passion for art and your passion for him.
To shorten the word economy of your paper, try to cut down
on some of the quotes. For example, I felt the
Overall, great essay. I enjoyed reading about Gaudi and his love for space. How does this impact to you and your passion? How does architecture affect you? Using some more passion words and expressing your feelings about Gaudi more would help you strengthen you point.
Your Sentence: During Gaudí’s lifetime, in the late 1800s and early 1900s, the industrial revolution placed greater importance on technology than ever before, drastically changing culture and everyday life around the world. Man was becoming his own god. Gaudí seemed to communicate that we must continually look to nature—God’s creation—for answers, not to technology.
Correction: During Gaudi’s lifetime, near the turn of the 18th centry, the industrial revolution changed culture and everyday life around the world and placed greater importance on technology. As man was becoming his own god, Gaudi seemed to oppose this movement by looking to nature—God’s creation—for answers rather than technology.
PALLAVI
Pallavi,
Great choice on a role model! I think she’s a very admirable person who genuinely cares for others.
Your intro was short and to the point. Try to incorporate your own personal passion a bit more actively in the intro. In the paragraph where you describe her shows and the type of people she introduces to her show, I feel that you can incorporate something about how her past has influenced her. I know you mentioned this in a latter paragraph but I feel that I would be stronger before you introduce her compassionate nature.
Just a general question- Is Oprah Winfery’s Angel Network the same thing as the Oprah Winfery Foundation?
Also, I think you have a great role model who is influenced by literature. How about discussing this towards the beginning of your paper so that we get a feel for why she is compassionate and how reading about it leads to her actions.
Great paper. I think you should explain some more about why she is compassionate and what helping means to her (We’ve read Dass. What would Dass say about the work that Oprah does?)
Your sentence: As a child Oprah searched for stability in her life. Moving back and forth between living with her young, separated parents and her grandparents, she found this to be a rather difficult task to fulfill. Regardless, she was able to find strength in literature and the arts.
Correction: As a child, [comma needed here] Oprah longed for stability in her life. However, despite moving back and forth with her parents and her grandparents, Oprah was able to find strength in literature and the arts.
PRIANKA
Prianka,
You paper about your mother is quite inspiring! I was tempted to write about my mom but felt it would be awkward to write about her and make an avatar that looks like her.
Anyways, I felt that the tense of
your essay was a bit odd. You said you wanted to refer to your mother as by her
name, Shobha, rather than mother. However, the tenses start
to get weird when you start describing your mom and yourself in third person as
if a narrator were writing the paper. If you’re going to write in third person,
do it through out the entire paper. Don’t use first person in the beginning of
your paper and then switch to referring to Shobha and Prianka in the end of
your paper.
I understand
that Pride and Prejudice is the literary inspiration for your mom, but I feel
you can take out the entire paragraph underneath the photo of “Indian women” as
it seems to just summarize the book.
Overall, great
paper! It was pleasant to read.
Your sentence: After two days of lazing with the other spouses at the employee housing facility, Shobha began to feel anxious. She is the mother of three children, a wife, a sister, and a daughter. There are always plenty of people around that need and want her help. Receiving massages and gossiping were just simply not her forte.
Suggestion: After two days of
simply vacationing and relaxing with other spouses as the housing facility,
Shobha began to feel anxious because she felt that receiving massages and
gossiping was not contributing to the needy in
MEGAN S
Megan,
Great introduction! I felt you established your passion eloquently and reasoned why Goethe is your role model.
I think you do a great job of discussion how Goethe is a Renaissance Man, how he was affected by others, and how his role has impacted you. However, I feel that if you need to short your essay and work on your word economy, you can shorten the part where you discuss his personal accomplishments and tie them in with your passion and how you have been affected
I like how you outlined several characteristics of Goethe that explain why he is your role model. Great conclusion!
Your sentence: Finally, another aspect
of Goethe that makes him a role model to me is not only his creative drive, but
his dedication to his work.
Correction: Finally, Goethe’s creative
drive and dedication to his work are another reason he is my role model.
MAURO
Mauro, Mauro, Mauro:
I was really interested in where you
what you were going to write about for Malcolm X.
Your introduction is a perfect overview
of Malcolm X’s life and why you admire him. Great Job!
In the middle of your paper, I feel you
start to drag as you describe his journey for the Hajj and accept his faith as
a real Muslim believing the real Islam. Try to shorten this up a bit by cutting
down on some of the unnecessary details.
How about discussion the significance of
his assassination in his portrayal as a role model? I guess I understand better
why Malcolm X is your role model but what does that have to do with your
passion? Why didn’t you pick someone like Oprah, Ghandi, or MLK?
Try to work on your conclusion a bit.
You had great energy coming from the introduction but felt you lost some of it
as the paper moved on.
Overall, nice job!
Your sentence: He got fed up with school
when his admired teacher told him we would never be a lawyer, and left for
Correction: Malcolm X turned to the
streets and earned money by running numbers for a bookie, dealing drugs, and
burglary in
CHETNA
Chetna!!!
Though I have never heard of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, it was quite inspiring to read your paper. The introduction definitely caught my attention! The parallelism is great!
You talk a lot about Ali’s passion for speaking out against injustices and representing her faith. However, I felt that this paper became a bit of a biography rather than a paper describing Ali’s passion and how she has impacted you in your passion.
I think it can help tie your paper together if you mention what your passion is in the beginning of the paper and explain how Ali has inspired you. You mention specific traits that make Ali very respectable and demonstrate that she is a great person. How has she affected you? And what separates her from other heroes like Ghandi, Budda, etc.?
Your sentence: Ali realizes the contentious nature of her fight and the storm her actions are stirring, but she fights with sensibility and rationality. In effect, she has become a sensible martyr. Again, anyone who has the ability to open their mouth resulting in words spilling out can claim martyrdom, but Ali differs in that her cause is a fundamental birthright: freedom.
Correction: Despite the storm her actions stir up, Ali continues to fight with sensibility and rationality. She has become a martyr for freedom, something that separates her from most anyone else who claims martyrdom.
EMILY
Emily,
What an inspiring paper about your Grandfather. The personal stories and anecdotes about your experiences with your grandfather are moving.
How about explain how your grandfather has caused you to pursue a profession in the medical field or how getting close with him has helped you decided your passion. In your paper, you mentioned that you hadn’t before referred to your grandpa as your role model before. How do you think Cambpell has influenced your definition of a hero?
To cut down on the wordiness, try to take out unnecessary sentences where you describe situations you’ve had with your grandfather. Moreover, you talked about how his health is deteriorating. Could you some how relate our discussion about Dass and helping out older people?
Overall, I enjoyed reading your paper! It was nice to hear how your grandpa has influenced you.
Your sentence: When the war ended and men returned home to their jobs, my grandfather’s position was in jeopardy of being taken over by another with more education. He was frequently told that he was not qualified for his job and was warned that with the first mistake he made, he lose his job.
Correction: When the war ended and the soldiers returned
home, my grandfather faced adversity because he did not have a higher
education. He was frequently told by others that he was not qualified and that
he’d lose his job with his first mistake.