Eric Hui
Reviews to Others- P4B
To Create Meaningfully- Mary D
Focus
The focus of this paper is some what better than the last paper. I definitely was better understand the purpose of your paper… “to bring joy to others and inspire compassion between individuals” however, I was still uncertain about where your passion for compassion came from. You really expressed your passion for leaving a legacy through arts and Gaudi’s impact on you, but I didn’t quite get the importance of compassion is for your or why you value compassion.
Also, in the beginning, you talked about the idea of choosing between good and evil. This is an important idea that I feel you can talk about more. I mentioned this in my essay, and you should bring this up when you mention Gauss. Also, explain how/why you choose good over evil. Throughout your paper, you mention this idea of passing compassion on to others and inspiring others, however, I wished you would discuss your journey on how you developed this passion for compassion and for communication.
Specifically:
P2- try to introduce the idea of evil more softly
P3- you are still pretty vague when you discuss your passion
P3- Also, explain how or what it is when you way “utilize my art”
P3- Explain what you mean with “involved with art on a personal level”
P4- “you talk about gaudi’s “deeper messages” what are those msgs and who do they differ from the ordinary
P4- why is relating “back to nature” important
P4- what is your passion to create? What is the importance of the “truths”?
P4- why is religion important and how does it relate to your passion/goal?
P4- what is the sagrada familia project?
P4- relate the idea of Gaudi and his ego to the intro and impact to the rest of your essay.
P4- “better earth” is vague
P5- why is it important to “deepen your faith”?
P6- explain what you mean by “if we are to take little from those we interact with, we must give a little back”
P6- what is an “ethical visionary?”
P7- this P rocks, but I wish you would introduce this point earlier in your paper, what is print media (photos, essays, what?)
P7- what are “sensitive areas” and “falsities”
P8- expand on this idea of potential and how it effects you.
(oops I think I miscounted your paragraphs. Try to follow along. Sorry.)
Overall, I give you a 5-6.
Organization
Your organization was easy to follow. I felt that your organization was your strength. However, you can work on integrating ideas throughout the paper. For example, I felt that P7 is where you started talking about how to achieve your passion. Try to mention this briefly in you intro or earlier in your paper. Also, the conclusion should wrap up the essay better, emphasizing what your passion is and how you want that to dictate your life.
Try to work on your transitions a little better. P6 needs a better topic sentence than “I can learn to grow in compassion, to solidify my values…” Overall, I was able to follow the transition of ideas in your paper.
I give you a 6.
Flow
The flow of the paper was a bit choppy for me. First of all, one thing you could work on is your sentence variety. I don’t particularly feel that starting a sentence with And or But helps the flow. Some times, it works, but it takes a while to read. Also, be careful when you do start your sentence with But because sometimes, I seems like it is a fragment.
Also, when you start listing ideas or repeating sentence structure (P3 and P4), I feel you loose the reader in your parallelism. P4- that matters, that shares a storey, that makes a pos. diff.
Additionally, try to avoid vague words. You fixed it up a bit from your last paper, but I still caught some. Also, work on your punctuation- P4- Thus, Gaudi’s buildings do not stand in silence: ….” P5- “fueling the project to this day” is awk.
“better earth” is vague.
That dash in P6 is weird.
Overall, I give your flow a 6.
Seeking Meaning as the Path to Compassion- Alex
Focus
Alex, overall, you’ve done a great job to improve the focus of your paper! Good job! I was immediately able to understand what your paper was going to be about after reading your first paragraph. You have a great topic sentence(s) that allow the reader to follow through the rest of your paper. How I read your paper, you focused on your desire to express yourself and seek meaning in life. From that, your passion for medicine is less important than your passion for learning and discovering meaning.
I felt that the end of your paper was strong! I liked how you discussed your childhood desire to become a doctor, but now, from that you realize how that dream is less important than truly finding yourself.
One thing I had to comment on was that you never talked about how you came across this passion. Also, how about discussing how you know when you’ll find out this meaning?
P1- what is this “futile questing” and your “defiance of that futility”? what is vague, explain that.
P2- how about use that John quote and relate that to the UT Tower and then link that to your journey though the university?
P2- you talk about freedom and how it is useless unless there is some meaning assigned to it, and it is up to the each of us (awkward wording. Also, what is this IT. it’s kind of vague).
P3- this was a really good paragraph! One thing I have to comment is the sentence structure. You talk about medicine… explain this idea more.
P4- you talk about society’s standards.. why do we feel forced to confirm? Why can’t you just deny society’s ideas and just follow your heart?
P5- what caused you to question your own goals? Why not just follow the straight and narrow path and become a doctor?
Overall, I give your focus a 6-7.
Organization
Your organization is great as well! I clearly followed what you were talking about and why. Each paragraph transitions fluidly and works well. You had great topic sentences. I could tell you thoughtfully organized your paper so that you developed your passion first, then moved on to your model, and finally your future.
Your introduction was great! It introduced your idea and kept me interested. Your conclusion was effective in that it summed up your thoughts and expressed your desire for the future. One comment is that your topic sentence for the conclusion was strange. “essentially, first and foremost…” is strange. Also, I felt that your discussion about “leaders” is a new topic and was not discussed before in your paper. Maybe you could introduce this idea in your paper earlier.
I give your organization a 7.
Flow
The flow was good. I found no major flaws in your paper.
As I said before, P2 has some vague language with “it.”
P3, the sentence “I continue to find that more often than not” is wordy.
P5- I’m not sure how grammatically correct that sentences is with the colons and semi-colons. Also, the tense might be off.. “I would take intensive biology” and “I would go to med school”
P5- I finally realized that if I just counted on… seems wordy or awkward
Other than that, great flow.
I give your flow a 6.
Ignorance at the Expense of Others- Trevor W
Focus
The first sentences are very blunt. I would suggest something softer, easing the reader into the topic. Also, your thesis is clear “my personal mission is to facilitate a world where ignorance and prejudice towards homosexuals are nonexistent.” I feel you can use more concise language and say that your personal mission is to foster a world where homosexuals can live a life of equality, free from ignorance and prejudice from others. That is more clear and easier to understand.
I feel it is still some what controversial that you were destined to champion the causes of the homosexuals from birth. How about talk about your journey and how you came about this passion rather than just asserting it.
What is this scientific evidence you talk about in Par. 2?
The focus of your paper is somewhat clear, but I felt at times you rambled. In paragraph 7 and 8, you talk about homosexuality and lifestyle and choice, however, how does this champion your passion? Make sure that each word in your paper contributes to the paper and moves your thesis forward.
In paragraph 11 (or 12, I think) you talk about what you want to do to make the world gay friendly, however, how does your experience at UT help that? Why don’t you quit your job, drop out, and dedicate yourself full time to making the world better? Try to concentrate on all the aspects that can unify your paper. From your desire to quell anit-gay sentiments to using your college degrees, explain to the reader what you plan to do and how this will effect you.
I give your focus a 6.
Organization
Like I said in the previous comment, I don’t really like the subdividers in your paper.
Other than that, I feel your organization is pretty clear and straightforward. Good job in making it clear. Though at times, I felt that you should have concentrated more on talking about yourself and YOUR passion instead of just the idea of homosexuality and the issues surrounding it. (though I understand that allowing the reader to understand the debate is important).
Also, you could use your quotes more effectively. Place them strategically and use them to further your position.
Overall, I give your organization a 6.
Flow
The flow of your paper was great. I really don’t have any comments about flow. I didn’t think there were many fluffy words or vague phrases. The writing style is clear and direct.
Your flow is a 7.
Living a Dream Life-
Ashley
Focus
The focus of your paper was still fuzzy. I gave some recommendations for your P4A to make your paper clearer. You used some of the recommendations but others were ignored. Your thesis does not come until paragraph 3 (P3). I felt that P1 and P2 were good, but I had no idea where the paper was going until I read P3. You need to introduce that idea sooner. You tried this in P1 with talking about these “unexpected inspirations” and how everyone wants to be someone else, but I don’t think this adequately introduces your topic. Be more straightforward and demonstrate what your passion and is and what the rest of the paper is going to talk about. With your first example in P1 about people wanting to be other people (blonds wanting to be brunettes), I’m not sure if I get the link you make. Isn’t that a bad thing? Shouldn’t we be happy with what we are given? If you want to use this example, relate it to your idea about Crick and yourself.
Speaking of the movie, I felt that you better explained how the movie related to your passion in P4A than in P4B. Talk about Harold’s struggle and metamorphosis and relate that to what you want to do. You call him your role model, but I’m not sure if you effectively explain why.
In P5, what do you mean by “confident in your words and actions”? explain that more.
P6- “identity has been placed in my own hands; transcend my current roles; old self-definition now that I’ve realized….. all these phrase seem wordy and don’t really add to your passion. How do You plan to use your passion and apply your desire to learn? Use more concrete examples.
P7- why is being a genuine indv. important? What is the root of this passion?
P7- also, you talk about how you’re not able to help enough… why not? And how do you find that balance?
Over all, I give your focus a 6.
Organization
Your organization was good. The one thing that needs to be changed is the location of your thesis. Move it earlier in the introduction. Also, use the Movie example better. Other than that, you had great transitions in your paper.
The order of the ideas and pictures are effective and help you champion your thesis. The conclusion is great! You effectively summarize your main points and leave the reader fully understanding your ideas and what your passion is.
I give your organization a 7.
Flow
Your flow was flawless. I found no real filler words or vague phrases except for the ones mentioned in your focus. Your writing is eloquent and succinct. Good job.
The language you use is direct and clear, and your writing was clear to the audience.
Your flow is a 6. (see the comments in your Focus).