Peer Reviews of my P4A

Reviews on the version 1 of your draft

Focus (Overall quality: 4.4 )

Reviewer	Comments
	The best I take it, your thesis is "I believe my purpose here on earth is to spread compassion to all." A little vague? It raises a lot of questions, among which are "What do you mean by compassion?" or "How are you going to spread it to all?" or even "Who are ''all?''" Take the information from your paper, especially the topic sentences, and add that information to your thesis. Remember that it is an argument you will be required to support, and an argument must be something specific enough for the reader to disagree with it. As it stands, your thesis is a "so-what?" thesis.
Reviewer 2	The beginning of your paper is great. You spend a paragraph talking about your own beliefs to build a foundation for the paper. You then describe your history with service and your plan for the future: follow in Bill Gates'' footsteps in helping end the rich-poor gap. Your third paragraph isn''t as focused as the first two. Because the only structure you''ve given your paper is exercising compassion a la Bill Gates, you don''t have too much to go on. Therefore, try to make all your paragraphs relate back to this thesis - relating your history of school choice doesn''t really add anything to your argument. Paragraph 4 turns into a rehash of your role model paper, just talking about why Gates is great. Instead, you should say more about how you plan on being like Gates! Looking at the things Sword says for focus, I pick up on a lot of things you could work on. You should refine your thesis into a clear purpose that''s easy to write about. Since your paper is mostly just about wanting to use your education to help people, it''s a little tough to find one focus to stick with. You should certainly cite a lot more literature, since you didn''t cite any - this would help bring your argument down from theoretical rhetoric and into real examples. Towards the end of the paper, you kept going back and forth between "making choices" and "helping others" - you should integrate these two things better or pick one to focus on to make your paper more clear. I gave you a 4 because from what I understand, your thesis is about a single topic: following in Gates'' footsteps. The rest of your paper brings in other factors, however, like choices and education and a legacy, that could be worked in to the thesis for make it more focused overall. Your conclusion, however, doesn''t tie back in to Gates, business, or your personal as much as it could. Adding quotes or concrete examples would really help. You also got a 4 because you had no quotes at all. (Sorry, but that''s kind of obvious!)
Reviewer 3	The introductory paragraph should always make a clear statement of what your paper is about and the points that you would like to emphasize. Eliminating some unnecessary generalities in your first paragraph to making room for your actual concentration in the second paragraph would help the reader focus a lot more instead of having their mind wander off amidst the universal truths and personal anecdotes. The 2-3 sentences on Bill Gates near the end of your second paragraph will be more relevant if you make it obvious that you are going to simulate him in terms of business in your course of action. Either that, or the phrase should be moved to your actual paragraph speaking about Gates. The majority of the paper is strongly written. You know what you want and you reinforce it with personal anecdotes and examples. One of the major problems dealing with focus is the topic of a leadership vision itself. However, I feel that a few more specific examples explaining what you want to specifically do in the Business world. The example with Bill Gates and providing care in foreign countries is good. Perhaps elaborate on it and provide more similar instances throughout the paper with relevance to your points.
Reviewer 4	I had trouble figuring out what your thesis was. At first, you start off with the sentence "These social pressures corrupt individuals and explain the presence the suffering and evil that exists in the world today." I had the sensation that your paper was going to focus on these pressures; I though you were going to explain what they were and then discuss how you would break past them or try to get rid of them. Yet there was a different feeling as I read through the body of your paper. On one end, you wrote about how you wish to rid the world of evil and compassion. But on the other side, you talk about how you don''t know what you want to do with your life. Without a thesis to unify your paper, I felt like each paragraph argued a different point. They did not seem to contribute to a central argument, thus it was difficult for me to figure out what you were really trying to say with your paper. I rated your Focus a "3" because I honestly had no sense of there being a thesis that you were supporting through your argument. I suggest that you really work on figuring out what the central point of your paper is and make that your thesis. If you feel that you do have a central argument, make sure that it is more apparent to the reader. I hope you''re not offended, I think its mean that they put "poor" on this silly program.
Reviewer 5	Your introduction is good and has solid ideas, but you say I believe numerous times in a row and it gets very repetitive. Also, your introduction somewhat lacks a thesis about your leadership vision. It may be a good idea to include a bit of your first body paragraph in your introduction. The conclusion does not seem to conclude EVERYTHING that you talked about in your paper. You, like me, tried to cover a wide rang of topics in your leadership vision, and according to this rubric, you may want to better summarize things in your conclusion. An example would be including a word or two about your role model, since it was an entire paragraph in your paper.
Reviewer 6	I had a hard time figuring out what the paper was really about. The thesis presented in the opening paragraphs of the essay discussed the writer’s desire to spread compassion around the world, but most of the essay was about human being’s rational minds and his desire to integrate a business life with giving to charities. Is that really showing compassion? The paper, if the writer wants to show that he is truly compassionate, should focus on how he is going to change the inequality in poverty. The “future looks bright,” but what is the writer PERSONALLY going to do? In other words, decide whether the thesis stated in the second paragraph is that one that should be continued throughout the paper or if it should be changed. Although the quotes themselves are not present yet, the ones the writer is planning on using appear to be relevant and tie in with the tope discussed at the moment. There are good ideas, they just need to be focused and refined a bit more.

Organization (Overall quality: 4.8 )

Reviewer	Comments
	I wonder what the point of your first paragraph is. I''m not sure that, aside from your conclusion, you really come back to this information. And frankly, it doesn''t background your argument very well. I feel like you could easily start with "I believe humans are generally good..." and take the first sentence of your second paragraph and put it at the end of your first. Then the rest of your paper would look like, paragraph by paragraph: (2) Compassion being the sum of your experiences (3) You were interested in business, but not compassionate (4) How you came to realize your compassion (be more specific in your topic sentence--don''t just address Project 2.) (5) How you want to become a compassionate businessman (not stated in your topic sentence) (6) How your experience at UT will help you become that which you want to be (7) How you''re going to spread compassion? (I''m not clear about what this paragraph is about) (8) Conclusion (at this point, vague and doesn''t really sum up your argument) Remember that once you have a more specific thesis, MAKE YOUR TOPIC SENTENCES RELATE to the thesis; tell us how each is another step in your life''s journey and leadership vision. And make sure that each paragraph is about what the topic claims it will be about.
Reviewer 2	Just a picky note, epigraphs are usually made smaller and more compact than the regular text so they aren''t confusing. But I know Word sucks to format, so whatever. Ok, you definitely have an attention-getting intro! I love that you included your own very strong opinions, letting your reader know where you stand and what you''re starting from. Paragraph 3 doesn''t fit as well with the first two. It''s a little hard to see how this paragraph follows logically from 1 and 2. Ok, I understand how paragraph 4 connects to paragraph 3 and your love of Bill Gates, but you should give usmore context on what the projects were and what you learned from them. You should really sit down and look at your paper, deciding what each paragraph says, and determine the most logical order it should come in. In 5 you talk about leaving a legacy of service, then 6 goes backward to how you will use your education to get to the point where you can leave a legacy. Couldn''t 6 come before 5, so that it would be after the paragraphs where you talk about BHP and Plan II? And then the part about leaving your legacy could follow. Did you notice that your last three paragraps all say the same thing? All of them talk about making choices, education, hope for the future, a slow fight, helping the world, and your legacy. Instead of three paragraphs on all of them, why not work these arguments back into the body of your paper? Put the comments about education and degrees with the things about school, etc. I think a more fitting conclusion would be something about how you are inspired every day by humanity, especially Bill Gates, and how your choices will help better the world.
Reviewer 3	In your first paragraph, the transition from the fact that man chooses his own destiny to how his "existence is characterized by his interaction with society" is a little unclear. Perhaps you can remedy this by saying "man''s choices are also affected by society" or something to that extent. The majority of the paper is well organized. There are some parts that seem to belong to other paragraphs instead of the ones that they are in at the moment. An example of this is the brief Bill Gates mentioning in the second paragraph. This would belong better to your later paragraph on him. At certain times in the paper, it was hard to follow along with the points that you are trying to make. Instead of using anecdotes and generalizations to start your paragraphs, a topic sentence would serve better. After you mention the topic sentence, you can use the anecdotes and generalizations to elaborate off of the point you''ve already clearly stated. Also, the structure of the paper may be enhanced if you appoint a stronger and clearer thesis sentence in the introductory paragraph, providing your audience with a glimpse of what is to come later.
Reviewer 4	Despite the issues with the thesis, your paper follows a logical order of ideas. The body of your paper starts off with the discussion of how you percieved business before you sarted college and continues to discuss what you learned in Bumps class. You finish by describing what you expect to do in the future, regardless of the career choice. In terms of organization, I rated you a "6." Although it is very good throughout the body, it is necessary for you to somehow outline it in the thesis paragraph. Without a sense of what the paper is going to be about, its hard to find what to look for. Thus if you clear up your thesis, the organization of your paper will be pretty good.
Reviewer 5	I though that when reading your paper, one thing led to another very logically, however, with the introduction, I am not too sure that there was a precursor telling me where I was going before I got there. Although this is not normally and main thing that I look for, it appears to be important in this assignment. Also, I would better be able to critique if I saw how the quotes fit into the context. Make sure that they are fitting with good lead ins – also goes along with flow.
Reviewer 6	The organization of the paper is somewhat convoluted. The repetition of many of the ideas seems to make the paper spin in circles. The introduction grabs the reader’s attention and draws them into the paper, but the conclusion does not fully wrap up the ideas presented in the paper. When the writer states that he will follow his “passion,” I am not quite sure I understand what that is. There is a sense of organization in the beginning of the paper, but as it continues, that sense of order is lost. Order begins to arise as the writer talks about the projects and the mental processes he went through. On page three, the first paragraph seems like it belongs towards to beginning of the paper.

Flow (Overall quality: 5.0 )

Reviewer	Comments
	I notice vague language in many places. For one, your thesis. Also, make sure you''re not repeating content from sentence to sentence, even if it''s for clarification purposes. For instance, "Simply, I believe humans have rational minds and make rational choices, and it is the results of our choices that directly or indirectly affect the outcome of events. In other words, I believe man controls his own destiny." I think you said the same thing three times. Or "The rest of my life is up to me. It is my life to live." One will be fine for the impact you desire. Or watch out for generally empty, vague sentences like "Everyone has so much potential in their lives." See the signs of vagueness? "Everyone," a general term. "so much," an empty intensifier. "in [one''s] life," a prepackaged phrase. You can eliminate these all over the place.
Reviewer 2	Good intro. In paragraph 2, you sentence about "From hearing my mother''s (add that apostrophe!) childhood..." doesn''t fit. You cite two exmaples of things in your past thta shaped your desire, and then you say you hope to dedicate your life to helping others? It should be "From the time I was small and heard my mother''s stories about ... to the time I worked with the less fortunate to build a Habitat for Humanity house, I have always wanted to dedicate my life to ..." or something to that effect. It will make the sentence more logical. At the end of this paragraph, I think you should switch the last two sentences in some way; "I hope to continue in Bill Gates'' footsteps..." is much stronger and is your thesis, so it should be after the less important statement of why he is your role model. The transistion from your second paragraph to your third might earn you an inverted V by the side of your paper! Watch for transitions and connect your paragraphs back to front. You just talked about Bill Gates, so now you can talk about how Bill Gates'' businessman-ship really helped him in his service, and then connect to yourself and your business goals. In the third paragraph, you should watch for statements like "However, in retrospect, I realize that I lacked the maturity to recognize the importance of developing life goals..." What does this have to do with the part before it? You should connect this statement with the fact that you were solely focused on becoming a businessman but, because of Bump''s class, you realized you really want to be a compassionate person. You could also condense the first few sentences of this paragraph to simply stating that you chose UT because of it''s amazing business program, which would help you on your path to success, but then it was your other amazing honors program which helped you to realize that you want to be compassionate. Paragraph 4: connect to the end of paragraph three - give us some context on what the hell project 2 is. I don''t even remember what project 2 was! Also, you should really add quotes instead of putting [DASS QUOTE] or [QUOTE FROM CAMPBELL] - that sort of destroys the paper AND the flow. You really need to work on connecting your sentences back to front. Paragraph 5 starts out talking about making our own choices, where previously you were talking about combating poverty. We are lost!! You used the word "peruse" instead of "pursue". You definitely need to proof-read this paragraph, there are a lot of typos that Word didn''t pick up on, such as "individuals choose to easier route". This paragraph has some problems with flow. You seem to be repeating yourself a lot, and the statements don''t really connect to each other. You say you want to rid the world of poverty, then say it''s impossible to do in your lifetime, then that you want to lead others, then state that leadership is a crucial part of creating a legacy. What?? When did you start talking about a legacy? You should mention before your hypothetical quote that because it is impossible to completely eradicate poverty in your lifetime, you not only want to dedicate your life to it but you also want to leave a legacy for others will follow in your path. Then, you can mention that you are humble, but tie it in better. However, your ending phrase in this paragraph is GREAT! It''s inspiring and captures your message. Again, you have a problem with connecting your paragraphs. Paragraph 6 starts out about your purpose at UT - what happened to leaving a legacy? You need to work on the flow and transitions of your paper. The last few paragraphs flow nicely as a series of personal statements, but don''t seem very connected to each other or to your topic. For example, in paragraph 7 you go from talking about "I will begin to change the world, one person at a time" to "a society that lives off instant gratification". You could connect these sentences by starting off with how your fight will be a slow one, since you''re starting one person at a time, but you hope to inspire people to join you in speeding up the process. Also, leave out the cheesy "proverbial foot in the door" phrases, as they sort of distract the reader. All in all, your paper would be helped by forming a very strong thesis and going through to make sure every paragraph is conencted to this thesis and that every paragraph connects back to front. Also, since you are sort of making a plan, it would be easier if you ordered your paragraphs chronologically, first talking about school, then your immediate future, then the legacy you want to leave. I think the important stuff is all in there and very well written, your organization could just be improved to make it even better!
Reviewer 3	The flow of the paper works very well. Since you chose a topic dealing with compassion and your want to help others, your points were further emphasized through your short and strong sentences. There are a few typos/misspellings scattered throughout your paper. Try rereading it a few times to catch them. Your style of writing would greatly be appreciated if more structure is added to the paper. (Refer to organization)
Reviewer 4	Eric, your paper felt fine at first, but as it progressed it began to feel choppier and choppier. I felt a little uneasy with some of your word choice, especially with the use of the words "rich" and "poor" The word feels a colloquial and i suggest you replace it with "wealthy" and "unwealthy" (To me, rich and poor are more connotations of qualities of life, and in some situations you actually do refer to quality of life. Just make sure that you use wealthy when talking about the amount of money one possesses, for example, in the sentence that begins: "As the richest man in the world, Bill Gates..." make sure you make the distinction that he is the wealthiest man in the world.) Your paper also had alot of issues with small mistakes that are not picked up by the spell check. For example, you have "peruse" instead of "pursue" (third page, fifth line) and "catalysis" instead of "catalyst" (fourth page, end of second paragraph). Make sure to just read your paper over and weed out sentences that sound awkward and words that don''t say what you mean them to. Otherwise it feels as if you were rushed to write this paper.
Reviewer 5	Good transition between paragraphs two and three…however, the fact that you “like to communicate with corporate executives” does not sound right because I am guessing that you have not had that chance to do this yet. It seems that at times you overuse transition words. For example, “however, in retrospect” and “however, upon taking.” Although it is good to relate one sentence to the other, it seems that sometimes you are doing this more that necessary. I kind of paused during the paragraph transition at the top of page three. This could use some work so that the reader can make the transition away from Bill Gates a bit more smoothly, but you definitely did a great job incorporating your role model in the paper. There is a small typo in the second sentence in the first full paragraph on page three; and sentence four in the same paragraph is a bit wordy and I got stuck up on it the first time through.
Reviewer 6	The flow of the paper was interrupted by grammar and punctuation mistakes that detract from the value of the words on the page. Paragraphs two and five contain punctuation mistakes and misspelled words. Go over the essay with a fine-toothed comb to find all these small errors. These mistakes aside, the flow of the essay was somewhat choppy. In the first paragraph, there is a slight ^ between these two sentences: “In other words, I believe man controls his own destiny. My outlook on life is that man’s existence is characterized by his interaction with society.” A transition into paragraph three is needed to connect the ideas and make the paper flow smoother. A lot of the paper is repetitious in the ideas of wanting to spread compassion and combining business with philanthropy, causing the reader to lose interest and interrupting the flow. Paragraph four opens with “Doing Project 2 caused me to discover my compassion.” This sentence is not only repetitive, but awkward. Rewrite it to flow better and to contain more information, as discovering compassion has been talked about before several times. In paragraph five: “However, I, among others, differ from the masses, because I want to dedicate my life to help others.” The idea at the end of the sentence is repetitive and the “differ from the masses” convolutes the sentence. Try “However, I differ from the masses, because I have want to dedicate my life to other by… (and then say how).” It would be a good place to add how the writer is personally going to dedicate his life to others.