Eric Hui

P4A Comments to Others

Trevor Wood- Gay Is Good

1. The thesis of your paper is that you hope someday change a society to receptive of gays. I felt the focus of your paper was good. You did a good job of explaining how you came across your passion and why you are so passionate about it. For me, I felt that you should address your opposition more. Understand that others aren’t so liberal, and they don’t understand why people are gay. You sort of mentioned this in your paper and suggested that it was your goal to change the stereotypes or prejudices against the GLBTQ community. However, there was a missing link. How? I know this is not the whole purpose of your paper, but I feel it is important. How can we break the stigmas people have against gays if people aren’t even willing to accept or can’t even understand why people are gay. I suggest that you deduce your argument and show, step by step, how you move from status quo to the future, where everything is good.
   
   Obviously, if the stigmas against GLBTQs didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be a controversy at all. However, these stigmas do exist, and you need to investigate why they do exist and how society is wrong. Additionally, you should discuss how your experience here at UT and getting a degree in Plan II and electrical engineering will help you in your passion. Going to college is obviously part of your pilgrimage, but what is the big picture?
   
   The “What Can I Do” half of your paper, in the first paragraph, I felt there was a missing link between that and your first hand experiences. Build off that energy and explain how that leads you to your passion to impact the world. Address how it is your goal to create a world or a society where gays don’t have to suffer for who they love. How can we drill it into children as well? Children don’t know what love is, do they? Discuss that subject a bit more if you can to clear that up. Overall, I think you did a great job describing your personal experiences and what you want to do. I can really imagine a future where children don’t have to go through the torment suppressing their sexual identity. Maybe you could conclude with a paragraph describing the future.
   I give you a 6.
   
   
2. The organization is good. However, I don’t think the subtitles “Why I Care” and “What I Can Do” help to strengthen your paper. Instead, internal transitions and links would be better. I think you forgot your title in your paper. I’m assuming it’s “Gay is Good.” I already discussed how I think you are missing a link between your own experience and your hope for the future. Also, in the “what I can do” section, I suggest taking out that first paragraph that discusses the status quo and politics of homosexuality. That doesn’t help your point. It is important so that you can talk about you idea for the future, I think it would be better if you can describe the status quo and contrast it to the future.
   
   Additionally, you ending kind of died of. Stress your point by reiterating your desire to change the world and your hope to see a better tomorrow. Emphasize that you want to dedicate your life to this idea and why. Make that connection between your suffering and your desire to alleviate the suffering of others. Overall, you have a solid organization that I was able to follow really well.
   I give you a 7.
   
   
3. The essay flowed smoothly. Follow some of the pointers I mentioned before. In that first paragraph of the “what I can do” section: the sentence “Although the equal ability to marry would be a momentous milestone…” doesn’t make any sense. I think your missing something. Work on your sentence use. There is some fluffy language where you just describe your passion over and over again. The reader understands your desire to make society more receptive and open to gays. You can reduce your redundancies by talking more about how you plan to do that and how your college experience contributes to this idea.
   
   The fourth paragraph in the “why I care” section, both the sentence “The true struggle faced by gay youths (as well as adults) is caused….” and “All human beings are constantly redefining themselves and learning…” was really wordy. Focus on your message and work from there. You also used some wordy phrases like “confining molds others cast for you” and “education” and “gay issues” a lot.
   
   Overall, decent flow.
   I give you a 7.

Alex Fu- Seeking Meaning as the Path to Compassion

1. The thesis, I got from the paper, was that your passion for helping people translates into finding meaning in life and creating meaning in life. I though that your thesis was not quite clear. The introduction paragraph is quite long and does not seem to introduce your ideas. I felt that I jumped into you paper reading about your belief of meaning in life and our pursuit of truth. Additionally, I felt that the introduction didn’t really address YOUR passion and YOUR vision until about the 3^rd or 4^th sentence. The intro needs to focus on your passion and introduce the reader what he or she can expect. Then the other stuff can come about how humans question endlessly.
   
   Also, I felt that you sort of indirectly state your passion in the first paragraph and then assert your “passion for compassion” in the 2^nd paragraph. You write that you seek meaning in everything you do in the 1^st paragraph, but is that your passion? Try to make a clear link between seeking meaning in life to your passion for other people. Maybe I misread or missed something, but I felt that the paper did not clearly define a vision for the future. You say that you want to go into medicine, but you also say you don’t want a set career path or future. How does this idea relate to your vision for the future? You want to make meaning out of life, but how does that desire lead you to medicine or even college? How about talking about how your experiences at UT will help you achieve your desire to find meaning by interacting with others and experiencing a diverse setting.
   
   I though you did a good job of talking about your conflict between following your passion and following the societal pressure to become a doctor. Was there a resolution to this debate or is that something you are still figuring out? Whatever the answer, you should state it in your paper. Moreover, you say your hero or role model is Frank Warren, the founder of PostSecret. He isn’t in medicine yet he’s doing something that you hope to do with your life—finding meaning in life. Link medicine to compassion to finding meaning.
   
   In reading your paper, there were some parts I thought you should could explain more.
   1^st P- “sense of ever-expanding meaning”- what is it? what do we do once we find this meaning?
   1^st P-“poignant meanings…are more significant than these truths”- explain this? Why is that? Don’t we still need the truths to have something to find meaning of?
   2^nd P- how does pediatrics relate to “curing the disease that ails humanity?
   2^nd P- “medicine is not the therapy sought by that those who need healing?” – wordy and explain this more
   2^nd P (end)- “we follow society’s idea of what is acceptable”- what is the happy median? We can’t escape society as we live in it and have a social contract with others in that society. How far can we follow our own desires and how far do we have to mold to society? Unless we form our own society with others just like us, we cannot ever escape from society.
   4^th P- “I do not believe I have to give up my social or occupational dreams”- the what can you do? How do you find the balance?
   5^th P- there is a missing link between talking to others at coffee shops etc, getting motivation, and “helping others”
   
   Overall, I give focus a 5-6.
2. The organization was indeed clear, however, I felt at times, I have to strain to see where you were going with your sentences. Try to work on your introduction and conclusion to strengthen your ideas. Also, I felt you had long paragraphs that could be split into two. For example, in the 1^st P, make a second paragraph when you start to talk about Frank Warren.
   
   The order of sequences is maintained. I saw your observation about finding meaning in life, then unhappy with social constrictions/pressures, then you discussed your future. I just feel you need to elaborate more on those ideas, and make connections between thoughts so they come off as deductions rather than assertions.
   
   Overall, organization is a 6.
   
   
3. The direction was fuzzy at times. Try to use more clarifying transition sentences that help you move from idea to idea. There was a lot of fluffy sentences that did nothing to add to your essay. You used vague words like “helping others” and “finding meaning” a lot that don’t really strengthen your paper. Try elaborating on those ideas more and discuss what it means to help other or finding meaning out of life’s events.
   
   This is a good start. Just try to elaborate more and show what role you play in your vision for the future. Also, work in your idea of meaning to truths to the future.
   
   1^st P- sentence that is “but it is our defiance of that futility” makes no sense.
   1^st P- sentence beginning “my perception of the world” is wordy and somewhat awkward
   1^st P- take out “However, I am of the opinion that” to “However, I believe” or “in my opinion”
   2^nd P- what your tenses… “my passion for compassion DROVE me to believe…”
   2^nd P- sentence “but I want to go above and beyond expectation…” and the sentence following it is really wordy
   
   Also, watch your comma use. Sometimes, you use commas accidentally turning dependent clauses into independent ones. 5^th P- when you talk about kernels of inspiration, you don’t need a comma after personal life.
   
   Overall, good start.
   I give your flow a 6.

Living A Dream Life

1. I felt the focus of your paper was clear. The thesis I gathered from reading was in the second paragraph where you say that you want to be able to follow your passion and use Goethe as a role model. However, I don’t feel that I really find out WHAT you really enjoy doing until the end of the 2nd paragraph where you write that you want to live your own “dream life.” However, I feel it takes a long time for the reader to finally understand where you are getting. The analogy to Harold in Stranger than Fiction is interesting and a great way to contrasting what you want to what you don’t want to do with your life. Try to make it more clear earlier in the paper. It seems like you just jumped into talking about the movie rather than talking about your passion.
   
   Once we finally get to the part of the paper where you discuss your passion and what you want to do with your life, the focus of the paper becomes a lot clearer. However, you often use the phrase “moving toward understanding” but you don’t really evaluate how you measure whether you’ve achieved this understanding or now or how you know when you’ve achieved it. You contrast school learning (memorization) with true understanding, but I’m wondering what that means. Try to clarify it.
   
   You speak often of this idea of “understanding the world” and how you want to be able to do it, but you don’t address what you’re doing now with your life. What is stopping you from just quitting school and going to seek “understanding”? What is it that YOU want to do, and how does a college education help you? How about say what you are doing now or talk a bit about how you got to your desire to seek understanding.
   
   In the paragraph following where you talk about you desire to develop a life-long love of learning, you mention this burning zeal you get when “working on design.” I have no idea what that means. What do you want to do? Explain that more.
   
   You also say you want to be the “truest possible version of yourself.” Again, that is a vague abstraction that I think you need to elaborate on. Are you not yourself now? How do you do you know when you’ve reached that version of you and what do you do after you reach it?
   
   You also say you want to transcend all roles you hold now, but never discuss that. Are you supposed to drop out of UT and take up another role? Try to address how you’re stuck with the roles society imposes on us (ie. to provide money, get a job, get married, etc.) and then how you want to change from there.
   
   Also, at the end of your paper, you say you want to be a more caring and naturally helpful person. Why? Why is this important and how do you achieve that? Can you not be caring and helpful and still have a regular life? What is it that you want to do that is different?
   
   Overall, I think your paper is good. Just type up some loose ends or vague abstraction, and then you’re golden.
   
   I give you a 6.
   
   
2. The organization of this paper was very blatant and methodical. I was easily able to follow the structure and where you were going. You had the link to the movie in the beginning and you paralleled yourself to Harold. Then you discussed three main things you want to accomplish.
   
   I felt that the part about the movie was a bit too long, and that you didn’t spend enough time talking about your goals in life and your vision for the future. I did you want to talk about a legacy you’d want to leave? Also, I’m not sure if I saw a conclusion. Try to make that more clear.
   
   Other than that, your organization was fine.
   
   I give you a 7.
   
   
3. The general flow of your paper was good. There wasn’t much fluffy language! Good job. In general, I just felt that you should elaborate on some of the vague phrases you use. The Stranger than Fiction example is good but tie that in after you discuss your own passion.
   
   In the 2^nd paragraph, you wrote “Thought I have thought” when I think you mean “though I have thought.” Also, you talk in the 2^nd P that you want to “initiate changes” but why? And what?
   
   Also, in the sentence near the superman photo, you write “I saw Harold successfully transforming wishful, perhaps impossible thoughts and dreams into actions is awkward wording. What did he do? Or what is it that you want to do? Also, you need a comma in the sentence “the change does not turn him into a superhero or bestow him with special abilities[,] rather he begins the movie living a normal life…”
   
   Also, I thought your paper was maybe a bit too structured, especially when you write“The last aspect of myself that I would like to develop…” Also, for the last paragraph, you mention that here at UT, you have not learned the “truths” in classes, not from fellow students, but about yourself. Then what role does the university play? Why can’t you discover yourself at home, or whatever?
   
   Overall, I give you a 6.

MARY- To Create Meaningfully

1. The focus on the paper was obviously about how to unite a passion for art with helping others and impacting the world. The thesis was clearly stated in the first paragraph. Your vision has led you to a “passion for creativity and a desire to share your world in an artistic way.” I think you did a good job of conveying your passion for art, through your examples with Gaudi as a role model, however, I think you can work on where the “helping” other people comes in. In the first paragraph (the introduction) you hardly introduce your topic. I don’t know if that large quote in the intro helps. (I feel you only say where you’re going in the last sentence of the 2^nd paragraph). Other than that, The whole commentary about good and evil and humans having to choose between the two dominates your introduction. I feel it shouldn’t be that way. You have great analysis about good and evil that plagues our society, and I think you should use that paragraph to show how you’ve chosen to do good and that is why you are on a quest to integrate art with helping others.
   
   Also, I think your discussion of Gaudi’s work is good, but it should not focus on Gaudi. Instead, relate that to your definition of a hero or a role model (using Campbell’s standards) and show how that affects you. I know you did this in two separate paragraphs, but try integrating the two so that the focus is not on Gaudi’s achievements but rather how you are impacted by Gaudi’s work. How about show that Gaudi’s goal was to make a difference on others, and then you can say that Gaudi impacted you? It is his legacy that caused you to admire him, what is your goal, your legacy? I think you’re getting at the idea that you want to follow in Gaudi footsteps and pave a path to help others. You should mention that in your paper.
   
   Also, you briefly mention this idea of “communicating meaning” in the world. What does this mean? Why is developing the self important and how does your passion for art help in that? Tie your love for art in with your method of reaching others. I’ll try to go paragraph by paragraph to be more specific:
   
   2^nd P- “A hero’s most important task is to better…” where do you go with this sentence? You talk about heroes but then all of the sudden give your thesis. How about moving the talk about heroes to the place above Gaudi.|
   3^rd P- expand on the last sentence “I hope to find a way to turn my passion to create (what??) in to the ability to communicate meaning (what meaning? Why?) and better the world (in what ways?).
   5^th P- “I think the first step is to find faith in mankind…” what does this mean? Find faith in mankind versus a nonexistent faith? Explain this more
   5^th P- “After finding faith and intrinsically bettering myself…” explain why it is important to express compassion.. this idea of compassion seems to come out of nowhere.
   5^th P- “obvious: it we are to take a little from those we interact with, we must give a little back” I understand what you are talking about but it is still a bit unclear. Why does this give/take relationship exist?
   7^th P- explain what print media is and how it relates to helping others
   
   I give you a 6-7.
   
   
2. The organization of the paper was good, overall. I felt you established your passion and your role model before you started talking about your vision for the future. However, you might have spent too much time on the passion and the hero portion and not enough talking about the vision. Remember that this essay is a continuation, if you will, of both P2 and P3, so there isn’t really a need to go through much detail to reexplain your passion and Gaudi.
   
   I was hoping to hear more about what YOU plan to do. Yes, Gaudi was amazing, but are you planning on emulating Gaudi, or doing your own thing? What is your own thing? Print media? But how? How does your education at UT help you with this passion for art and desire to help others? Also, I’ve said this already, but I think you need to clearly state the link between your passion for art and your passion for compassion in changing the world. Is it innate? Make use of the first few paragraphs to state your passion and state that you want to help people and then move on to your vision.
   
   I give you a 6.
   
   
3. Flow was good. You were careful not to use too much fluff, but there is still a lot that you can elaborate on. (I’ve already given some examples.) Watch your comma errors. Last sentence of the 6^th paragraph, you need a comma… “ I must connect with others, and in order to do so, I must be compassionate.”
   
   In your flow, it seemed that you assumed compassion. Link your intro about good and evil people and the ability to make choices to your own vision for the future. Obviously, you’ve made the decision to do good. Is it your goal to convince others to do good? Mention that in your conclusion. I felt you kind of dropped off in your conclusion. What is your VISION? Your LEGACY? What is the purpose of college?
   
   Overall, good.
   
   I give you at 6.