Mary Dauterman
 
Mary –
 
Your paper is very well constructed around your passion for art and artistic expression. How you talk about your childhood and adolescence in form this passion is very strong as well. One thing I recommend is to restructure the end a little bit. When I got to the paragraph “through the creative process […] as a human being,” I thought I was at the conclusion. Then the yearbook paragraph surprised me a little bit. This paragraph does not relate just to painting, drawing, and photography; it also strengthens your paragraph about print media. I would suggest moving this paragraph to after the yearbook one, making it your penultimate paragraph.
 
Mary’s Sentence:
 
In my art, even the littlest part of the process contributes to the work as a whole.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: In my art even the smallest part of the process contributes to the work as a whole. (Littlest would still work, but no comma is necessary for such a short prepositional phrase)
 
 
 
Brad Barry
 
Brad –
 
I can’t find much to critique, Brad. Your paper is excellently written, and the use of song titles to sort of headline your paragraphs is very creative. I just wish I could hear more about your plans for the near future in furthering this passion; do you plan on taking any music appreciation classes next semester? French horn or the history of rock ‘n roll? I feel like you need a stronger conclusion. That is not to say that your last paragraph is not well written (because it definitely is), I just felt like I was left hanging not knowing what Brad was going to do next. And if you don’t know what you’re going to do next, say that.
 
Brad’s Sentence: In music, an album can have one or two tracks that are just wonderful, but, if the rest of the album is lackluster, it won’t leave a good impression on me.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: In music an album can have a few blockbuster tracks, but if the rest of the album is lackluster, it won’t leave me with a good impression.
 
 
 
Ashley Powell
 
Ashley –
 
Your paper is very intellectual and exquisitely well-written. It is like you took an ordinary DBR and socked the crap out of it. But what I would like to hear from it is what Ashley is doing about her passion. I now know all about how you feel about your passion and what you did to further it in your childhood, but I don’t know what you’re doing about it now in the present. Give some examples of making a birthday card now for a fellow Kappa. If you’re still creating with paper and glue, tell us about it! Because I can tell you are extremely passionate about this, but don’t have any examples of how you apply that passion.
 
Ashley’s Sentence: We see symbols of adoration in marble statures of Greek gods, of Spartan athletes, resting Buddhas, in Mayan temples.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: One can find symbols of adoration, marble statues of Greek god, Spartan athletes, and resting Buddhas, everywhere from the Acropolis to Mayan temples.
 
 
 
Mauro Cafferelli
 
Mauro –
 
As someone with the same passion (more or less) as you, I feel your paper covered this topic very well. It can be vague unless you give specific examples of your experiences with friendships, which you did. But as I have told a few other people in my edits, I would like to hear more of what you plan to do right now to further your passion. Something in the near future and something more of a long-term goal would be nice additions to your conclusion.
 
Mauro’s Sentence: I spent fourth period twice a week traveling to Elementary schools and being a personal mentor to one of the students at each.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: Twice a week I spent fourth period at two different elementary schools, being a personal mentor to a student at each.
 
 
 
Pallavi Shankar
 
Pallavi –
 
Your paper is excellently written. Your passion is clear and your goals for achieving it are as well. I feel like a few of your paragraphs toward the end are disjointed. Because you back up your passion by talking about what you want to do with that passion, I think those should be back to back. Move the parts about the Texas Lonestars and community service up above talking about India, biology, etc. Furthermore, after talking about how you dedicated time to learning about crises in Sudan, tell us the results of your efforts in awareness and fundraising.
 
Pallavi’s Sentence: From caring for homeless dogs to giving families in need clothes and food, I enjoyed devoting my time.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: I enjoyed volunteering my time to serve others, whether the task was caring for homeless dogs or raising clothes and food for needy families.
 
 
 
Rachel Mueller
 
Rachel –
 
Your paper is very psychologically probing; I respect how you delve into something so deep and uncertain. The one thing I found in your paper was this seeming contradiction: In your opening paragraph, you talk about how you want to find someone who can digest the full emotional burden of the news, yet later on in the paper you say it is impossible for someone in America to do this and still function. I thought this weakened the plausibility of the search for the wild pig. Impossible is too strong of a word to be used here, or it seems you’re writing a paper about something that is incapable of achieving.
 
Rachel’s Sentence: The amount of emotion that each person experiences in a day may be the same as in America, but the feelings are more concentrated and, often, justified to a greater extent than those of American’s.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: The amount of emotion experienced by each person per day may be the same in both countries, but in Honduras the feelings are more concentrated and often more justified to a great extent than in America.
 
 
 
Prianka Singapura
 
Prianka –
 
Just a few little things. First off, in the interpretive dance sentence, I think it would be much stronger if soccer was left off. If someone is reading this and doesn’t know what sport you’re about to play, they don’t deserve to read your paper. Secondly, I feel that paragraph with your friends reclaiming your passion is so very touching that it should be closer to your conclusion. To me it is not awkwardly placed, but could be better in a different place. Do not interrupt the timeline you have going with this reflective paragraph until the timeline structure is complete. I love the dedication to the sport, though; I can relate.
 
Prianka’s Sentence: Our team was the best we had been in years and the six seniors were the glue.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: Our team was the best one in years and its six seniors were the glue that held it together.
 
 
 
Elizabeth Wong
 
Liz –
 
You said you didn’t know how to compose your passions into this essay; I believe you’re wrong. Everything in this paper is well-articulated. I think you could just include more on how you are going to fuse all these different yet interconnected passions together. For instance, how would you use the creativity you talk about in a possible career in policymaking? Give us some examples – they don’t have to all be 100% realistic – of how you would achieve this.
 
Liz’s Sentence: Because I have decided against a career in science, Politics is a very direct way for me to influence the world would be to explore a political life.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: Because I have decided against a career in science, I have explored the possibilities of a political life because the field of politics offers a direct way for me to influence the world.
 
 
 
Chetna Pande
 
Chetna –
 
I love the word usage of your whole paper, though it does make me feel like I’m in the third grade when I look at my own. Nonetheless, here’s the overwhelming suggestion I came up with: your paper focuses on the fact that you are inspired to help others, and you have a great idea for how you want to do that. But the introduction is a little off-kilter from the rest of it; I suggest tying the two subjects together (of passion for life in general and this more specific passion) by talking about how you are passionate for new experiences, learning, etc. Because at some point in this brainstorming process, you came to the conclusion that you are passionate about one particular thing more than life in general. Let the reader know how this came to be!
 
Chetna’s Sentence: I have a passion to do anything in my power to better mankind, and here is my opportunity that I choose to seize.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: I am passionate about bettering mankind, and I have chosen to seize the opportunity presented before me.
 
 
 
Lawrence Tsai
 
Law –
 
Your paper comes full circle and makes it very, very strong; you start with the helpless situation with your little brother and end with the same situation yet with a whole, new Law. Furthermore, your passion is clear and your goals of achieving it are as well. There is not a lot to critique in your paper besides the pending visual rhetoric. I will be interested to see how you compare the beginning and ending paragraphs (with the head injuries) via picture; I think that whatever you do needs to have much similarity between the two pictures to further nail this point home of how far you have come.
 
Law’s Sentence: Though it was not necessarily solidified yet, I knew that I wanted to be able to help people in some way.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: Though I was still uncertain of the means, I knew that I wanted to be able to help people somehow and make a positive impact on the community.
 
 
 
Emily Beck
 
Emily –
 
Darling, I think you can find better use of your quotes. The ones in the first two paragraph, especially, I feel were added for the sake of quotes. They are good quotes, but they’re changed around so much to fit the format of the sentences that they are hardly quotes anymore. I would say in the first few paragraphs stick to your own words; we want to hear about your experiences from you, not someone in our course anthology. I guarantee you both of these quotes can be used successfully later on in your paper, but don’t bombard the reader with other people’s words quite yet. In your penultimate paragraph, I would say the same thing; almost too many quotes. Use only the ones that strengthen what you’re saying the most.
 
Emily’s Sentence: In response to my compassionate side I have given up many nights at the library to help others by participating in volunteer programs around my community including canned food drives, Christmas caroling, free babysitting, and peer tutoring.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: Due to my compassionate personality, I have given up many nights of attending to my own work and responsibilities to participate in various volunteer programs around my community, including canned food drives, Christmas caroling, and free babysitting or tutoring.
 
 
 
Alexandra Fu
 
Alex –
 
The structure and wording of your paper is very good. I would work and change around your visual rhetoric, though. The icons you have for Austin Nature and Science Center and UT’s Model UN don’t really tell me anything about you and this pilgrimage you have been on in some sort for the last fifteen years. A picture of you participating in these activities would be 100x as effective, if these resources are available. Regardless, I think that you can definitely add more pictures that relate to your writing more than the portrait of Jung. The pediatrician and child and the picture of you on the steps of Gregory are pictures that really illustrate your place in all this that you are writing. During the paragraph about defining yourself – let’s see a picture of this beastly eighteen-year-old woman of the sciences!!!!
 
Alex’s Sentence: I found myself going on a tangential tirade about how difficult I was finding my intro classes, and wondering why I ever thought being a Plan II and biology double major was a good idea, much less able to complete in order to attain a medical degree one day.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: I found myself going on a tangential tirade about the difficulty of my introductory classes, wondering why I ever thought double-majoring in Plan II and biology was a good, or even achievable, idea.
 
 
 
Eric Hui
 
Eric –
 
No need to fear of rambling. Any errors I found were grammatical, so be sure to go back carefully and search for things not covered by spell-check. Here are some examples:
 
Countless times, I have felt like an invisible minority in my quest (to)* alleviate social inequalities
 
One topic that I found peculiarly interesting dealt with whether or not the United States has a moral obligation (to)* mitigate international conflict.
 
The structure of your paper is sensible; I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Just go back and make sure you have all the words right. Not 39 times like Hemingway, but still read through a few times and make sure each sentence conveys its meaning the best it can.
 
Eric’s Sentence: The gratification I got from helping build the family a new home and the long-lasting impact my actions will have on the family’s quality of life is a feeling I will cherish forever.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: The family’s gratitude and knowing the long-lasting impact my actions will have on their quality of life are feelings I will forever cherish.
 
 
 
Trevor Wood
 
Trevor –
 
I have given this critique to several others as well. It is obvious that you care a lot about this issue, your passion. But I want to know what you plan on doing with this information. What does coming to Austin, finally being gay and proud change about how you want to undertake this issue? What does UT make you want to do to further this cause? It doesn’t matter if you aren’t quite sure, maybe just list off a few possibilities. In an autobiographical passion paper, a sentence can seem frantic and yet be perfectly okay. I want to know what your short term goals are, what your long term goals are, and what steps you are going to take to accomplish them.
 
Trevor’s Sentence: If I were to tell my parents I am gay, I there it is very likely that they will not only disown me but also cut me off financially.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: If I were to tell my parents of my true sexual orientation, it is very likely that they would disown me and cut me off financially, forcing me… (you come up with what you feel comes next)
 
 
 
Megan Gilbert
 
Megan –
 
You spend a lot of time focusing on how your dream or passion was developed. All this is good, and I wouldn’t recommend removing any portion of it, but at the same time I want to hear more about how this passion makes you feel. That is, in essence, the definition of the word. You talk a little bit about this, but I’d like to see more. Additionally, what are your plans to develop this goal? You have an overall destination, but any ideas on how to get there for the moment?
 
Megan’s Sentence: My goal in life was not longer to be a well known doctor but rather a good doctor who volunteered her talents to help those who had no access to healthcare.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: My goal in life was no longer to be a recognized doctor; it was now to become a good, compassionate one, volunteering my talents to help those with limited or no access to proper healthcare.
 
 
 
Margaret Sanders
 
Megan –
 
Your paper is really, really good. With the words and structure and phrasing, I have no critiques. But I think with your passion, especially (similar to Mary’s), this paper should reflect your argument. Design the hell out of this. The visual rhetoric you have now is good, but add more! Make this paper the creative ideal you are talking all about in the bulk of it.
 
Megan’s Sentence: In a sense, I just liked most everything but was drawn to no one thing in particular.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: In a sense, I enjoyed most everything but was not drawn to one particular thing.
 
 
 
Amanda Jones
 
Amanda –
 
I feel like your paper more than any other calls for the usage of your Meyers-Briggs tests results. Use these sensing/feeling/etc points to back up this strong argument you have! Explain how, due to these certain characteristics you possess, your teaching can differ from the monotonous kind you discuss in the first paragraph about your little sister. If something creative (like this course we’re in) is the driving force behind your way of teaching, tell us all about how that can be obtainable. The construction of your paper is great, and your visual rhetoric (though could be more extensive) is good too.
 
Amanda’s Sentence: When the girls showed me improved test grades I knew that I was really doing my job, that they actually comprehended the material we went over, and I was just as excited as they were.
 
Garrison’s Sentence: When the girls showed me their improved test grades, I was just as excited as they were. I knew that I was doing my job because they had comprehended the material we covered and had outstanding results.
 
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