College: Fantasy and Reality

In high school, everybody knew me. Whether I liked it or not, there wasn’t much room to hide at Fort Worth Country Day School. Either I was on stage singing a solo or making announcements about the magazine drive, I was often in the spotlight. Teachers knew me even if I had never been one of their students. I was one of “those guys.” Therefore I wanted something a little different when I came to college. I loved the thought of walking between classes knowing no one at all. Invisibility, or something like it, excited me.

However, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect of college. I thought it would be somewhere like Country Day in that it offered me years of memories and experiences. Other than that, though, I had no idea. I did not expect that I would miss people and places as much as I did upon moving in. I missed everything from family and friends to Country Day and teachers. I missed the old-fashioned, rigidly structured routine of high school to which I had become so accustomed. I missed the close-knit atmosphere of Howdy dances and homecoming games. It was exciting the freedom and independence I had upon moving in here, but I wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to use all the independence I was given. All that I did know was that I wanted to prepare myself for the third chapter in my life, my career.

Whether or not I expected it, I am learning to deal with what really matters to me. I dabbled a lot in high school: sports, fine arts, student government, and other activities as well. But I am concentrating now on feelings. I like to devote a good chunk of the week to Garrison time. And that is something I did not expect would matter as much as it now does. I am encouraging my consciousness like never before. I am discovering that in those instances I am finding out more about myself than in any other situation before, because “it is through conscious activity that the person becomes and individual” (Jung, in Bump 168). I’ve had revelations about myself and my loved ones in the past; church camp and the locker room were places where I had some profound thoughts about my life. But no where like here. The method I have found in discovering the most about myself is when I mix reality and dream, conscious and unconscious. Jung says that psychological archetypes “reside as energy within the collective unconscious and are part the psychology life of all peoples everywhere at all times. They are inside us and they are outside us. We can meet them by going inward to our dreams or fantasies” (Jung, in Bump 169A). Goals that are realistic and goals that I would just like to imagine intertwine to create those dreams and fantasies. Reality is what I learn about myself each day, while that dream is still a little farther off. Dreams like a successful businessperson.

I had three simple goals for myself to accomplish by the time I had graduated from high school. I had formulated them in middle school and was hell-bent on doing every one of them. In no particular order, they were: to excel on the football, to be admitted to a fine and recognized university, and settle down with a nice old-fashioned girl. Sounds like something out of Jude, maybe. I ended up doing up all three, which made my senior year extremely satisfying. It made me realize how when I stick to my plan, the results are overwhelmingly positive. Now in college I’ve come up with a new plan. Instead of dealing with the 2006-2010 time frame, it’s dealing with circa 2013. I might be more southern, conservative, old-fashioned, etc for some (Chetna!), but I know exactly what I want to be doing during that “circa” period: career and family. But at the same time, entering that period of my life may turn out just as uncertain as my introduction to college was.