My Peer Revisions

1. Pallavi- I enjoyed the rhetoric that you employed especially in your introduction. The essay really provided me with a poignant style that got its point across, allowing me to understand what you were trying to convey easily. I liked the fact that you stressed the importance of diversity in our campus and how it would help us with our education. Is it because of the diversity of our campus that you are proposing your unique blend of architecture?
   
   Sentence Revision:
   Yours: With such an important purpose in mind it is vital the surroundings of the students harbor to their needs, thoughts, and actions to allow each individual to perform to their potential.
   
   -This sentence seemed a little awkward for me. Perhaps you can rearrange and add/remove a few words.
   
   Suggestion: With such an important purpose to consider, it is vital that the surroundings of our university cater to the students' needs, thoughts, and actions. In doing so, students are allowed to perform to their maximum potential.

2. Garrison:
   
   The structure and argumentation of your paper is truly amazing. Your ability to imply points and arguments with an air of confidence and assertiveness is great. Though i'm not a fan of the type of architecture that you propose, I found myself agreeing with everything that you were saying. The re-emphasis of how great Texas is in each paragraph might have been in excess though. The point was already instilled in my mind after the first two paragraphs.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: New buildings must follow the new Master Plan¿s featured Spanish Renaissance architecture, but must also allow for more open spaces and landscaping.
   
   Suggestion: The second must seems unnecessary. The first already seemed to imply the importance of the entire sentence.

3. Brad:
   
   Your paper literally spoke to me as I was reading it. The conversationalist style of writing that you possess is great and is reminiscent of well-written prose. However, it might have been too informal. Eliminating your contractions can probably fix that problem. I really enjoyed the ideas and criteria that you established for our campus. Though your pictures accompanied your text and writing well, I did not find much justification in them in emphasizing how your plan is to be implemented. Perhaps you can specify by commenting on a few pictures to show how their characteristics will be implemented.
   
   Sentence Correction:
   
   Yours: Our architecture should radiate what makes our school special into the surrounding areas.
   
   eliminating the and replacing with its
   yields:
   
   Our architecture should radiate what makes our school special into its surrounding areas.

4. Rachel:
   
   Your paper has been one of the best and most interesting to read. Your focus on details in your masterplan really holds a persuasive element that I did I know existed. Your sentences are prolific and still get the points across. However, I found myself wandering off while reading some of your longer sentences. The implementation of solar panels really won me over!
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: Aside from the lessons of the architectural style and physical layout, ¿The Beginnings¿ Campus Plan for the University of Texas uses environmentally friendly features and local building materials to teach all who frequent campus the importance of the environment and nature in Texas.
   
   Revision: The beginning of this sentence had me reading over it a lot. Perhaps you can eliminate the second "the" to clean it up a bit.
   
   Yields:
   Aside from the lessons of [ ] architectural style and physical layout, ¿The Beginnings¿ Campus Plan for the University of Texas uses environmentally friendly features and local building materials to teach all who frequent campus the importance of the environment and nature in Texas.

5. Prianka:
   
   Your structure of presenting an example and then analyzing it in relation to one of your points in the essay is very effective. It is very well written and easy to follow. Like Eric, I think that the concept of vedic architecture should be tied in earlier in your essay when you are introducing and arguing Postmodernism.
   Your ideas are very well refined and do not require much revision.
   
   Sentence Revision
   
   Yours: Thus, incorporating sunlight into buildings is a vital element that needs to be incorporated in our campus¿s buildings.
   
   Suggestion: Thus, the incorporation of sunlight into buildings is a vital element that needs to be applied to our campus.

6. Mauro:
   
   Your integration of the types of architecture that we have discussed and studied during class was very effective in terms of your essay. It was interesting how you associated each college or school with its respective architectural style. By doing that, it seems that you've incorporated the "diversity" that we look for into a master plan.
   
   The style of the paper, however, may be a little informal with possessives and "I"
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: No matter how it is planned, arranged, conceived, and built, someone is bound to be unhappy.
   
   Unhappy may be too strong of an emotional word to use for the topic of architecture.
   
   Try replacing it with words like discontent or disillusioned.

4. Alexandra:
   
   Your concept of combining modernism with the spanish style is very intriguing and I enjoyed how you combined the physical aspects of each style to suit the history and original masterplan of our campus. It was a bit difficult navigating through your long sentences. And the placement of quotes that were coupled with them made it a little hard to concentrate. Overall, the paper was well-conceived and poignant. Awesome job.
   
   Sentence revision:
   
   Yours: In the month that I've been able to actually call myself a student at UT, I have fallen in love with the university and developed a newfound sense of pride and community here.
   
   Suggestion: During my first month associating myself as a student at UT, I have fallen in love with the campus and developed a newfound sense of pride and community.

5. Eric:
   
   You hold a very cogent argument over the Spanish-Mediterranean style and your ideas are expressed very well through your examples of lighting, color, and structure. If it is worth anything, you also have my respect for building off of a single style of architecture and providing structured arguments over the anatomy of spanish buildings. It also helped that you provided pragmatic examples that students on campus will be able to acknowledge and appreciate.
   
   Like Chetna said, your style for this paper may be too informal and personal. Toning down on the use of "I," "we," and avoiding awkward sentences like "Whether we like it or not, we are pretty much stuck with the buildings here at UT for the next four years of our lives." should remedy this.
   
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: There would be benches along the corridor for students to catch a light nap or to get some studying done between classes.
   
   Suggestion: Benches will(would) be placed alongside the corridor for student study and relaxation.

6. Amanda:
   
   Your paper was easy to follow and understand. And at the same time, it held its complexity in describing aspects of the Beaux-Arts style. In fact, it was extremely difficult for me to find what was wrong in terms of content with your paper as you covered most of what a master plan should offer. However, I felt that I was not given enough background information on this style. Though you gave specific characteristics on what the Beaux-art should look like, I wanted to know more about its intrinsic values and "character."
   
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: The University of Texas at Austin boasts a proud heritage along with firm claims in the future, and with 50,000 plus students, there are many requirements that need to be met for a campus master plan to live up to the university¿s mission.
   
   Suggestion: The sentence seems to be a little convoluted in terms of structure. Maybe you can alter it a bit and turn it into two sentences:
   
   The University of Texas at Austin boasts a proud heritage along with firm claims in the future. And with at least fifty-thousand students, there are many requirements that are required for a campus master plan to live up to the university¿s mission.

4. Liz:
   
   The ideas behind your paper are very persuasive. I can definitely tell that much research was conducted on the idea and styles of modernism. In addition, your arguments on functionality are very effective.
   
   Though your ideas are well developed, I found that some sentences in your paper were a little awkward and repetitive with their structures. Sentences such as "One aspect of my master plan that sets it apart from and above any other plan is its subtle reflection of nature" can be made simpler and still maintain their effect by elminating some prepositional phrases and repeated words. Also, strong words like "incredibly" should be avoided-your ideas in sentence form seem to already justify themselves.
   
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: When my campus plan is accepted, the University of Texas at Austin will be transformed into the modern and cutting-edge campus that its prestige and unique spirit deserves.
   
   This sentence seemed to be a little awkward. My suggestion might make it even more but here I go:
   
   Suggestion: Once my master plan is accepted, the campus of The University of Texas at Austin will be transformed into a modern and technologically-advanced one, consistent with its well-deserved prestige and unique spirit.