Law's Peer Revisions:

1. Positive Pallavi:
   
   The entirety of your paper works very well in a "Question and Answer" structure. Beginning your with an introduction that emphasized the need to "leave a legacy" and ending it with your passion to help people made it very easy to follow, providing a great deal of unity.
   However, the paragraph near the end of your paper dealing with community service seems to be mentioned too late. Perhaps you can move it closer to the beginning, using it as a way to lead up to mentioning your passion or a means of justifying it after it is mentioned. Another thing I suggest is to reemphasize most of your personal examples in your conclusion. That way the reader will be able to recall them easily and leave with a full mind.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: I believe there is something really great and valuable in simply learning for ¿knowledge is power.¿
   
   The use of "for" sounds really nice but makes it awkward to read.
   
   Suggestion:
   
   I believe there is something really great and valuable in simply learning, as "knowledge is power."

2. Bodacious Brad:
   
   The conversationalist style in your essay is very fluid and moving. At the same time, the idea of managing your paper into "tracks" or sections really keeps it in check and allowed me to follow along. However, there are some parts of your essay where the sentences get to be a little confusing and convoluted. Chopping or simplifying a few sentences would not compromise your style and allow you to achieve a greater deal of clarity and unity.
   
   Yours: Throughout my first semester at the University of Texas I have been struggling to figure out what I want to do with my life, and, sitting in that counselor¿s office, I realized what I feel compelled to do.
   
   Splitting it into two sentences and removing commas yields
   
   Suggestion: Thoughout my first semester at the University of Texas I have been struggling to figure out what I want to do with my life. Sitting in the counselor's office, however, made me realize what I wanted to do.
   
   *Note: The ,however, is optional.

3. Prancing Prianka:
   
   The unity you express in connecting soccer as your passion to who you are as a person is a very interesting thing that I found in your paper. Though it was a very entertaining and interesting read with its descriptions and narration, I feel that some of it should be cut out to provide room for maybe a (hint) of how you want to utilize your passion in the future.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: Sometimes I don¿t comprehend my feelings until I play, and then all my thoughts and emotions are elucidated.
   
   Playing with word choice and sentences yields
   
   Suggestion: Sometimes I cannot identify my feelings until I play. When I do, all my thoughts and emotions are then clear.

4. Cheerful[?] Chetna:
   
   Contrary to what you believe, your paper is not full of ramblings. Your personal examples and experiences contributed greatly to your paper, but I could not tell why they contributed to your "passion for life."
   To bring clarity and more structure to your paper, maybe you can emphasize why each personal experience ties back to what you mentioned in your introduction. With just some rearranging and tidying, your paper will improve.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   Yours: As hackneyed as it sounds, in whatever I choose to devote my attention to, I pour my heart and soul into it.
   
   Rearranging yields
   
   Suggestion: As hackneyed as it may sound, I pour my heart and soul into whatever I choose to devote my attention to.

5. Eric:
   
   Your paper is very well structured in terms of introducing a personal experience that sparked your passion. However, I feel that parts of your introduction that are not too relevant to your passion should be removed or altered accordingly (though they are very interesting to read about)
   
   Sentence Revision:
   That trip, in retrospect, inspired me in a way I didn¿t quite realize until I was more mature.
   
   Rearranging phrases yields
   
   Suggestion: In retrospect, that[my?] trip inspired me in a way I did not quite realize until I was mature.

6. Mauro:
   
   The incorporation of your personal experiences made this paper fairly easy to follow. I liked how you employed specific examples to show how you came across your revelations. Though you mentioned that your passion was helping others (making them happy) in the beginning of your paper, it was hard to look for it in the latter half of the essay.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   I had thought that I would be given a kid with endless well of personal problems and I would be shining light that rectified every last one.
   
   Chopping and simplifying yields:
   
   Suggestion: I thought that I would be given a kid with many problems that I could fix.

7. Ashley:
   
   There is very little that I believe I am able to critique in your paper-mainly because it is very well written and [spoken]. Your ideas, personal experiences, and passion are strongly and effectively expressed. There were times when I had to do a double-take on your longer sentences but the ideas were nevertheless effectively presented.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   1 As I am drawn to natural art for its unspoiled beauty and remembrance of a primitive beginning, art attracts me by its freedom of thought.
   
   becomes
   
   As I am drawn to natural art for its unspoiled beauty and [preservation] of a primitive beginning, art attracts me [through] its freedom of thought.
   
   2 I began to feel isolated, my life was moving to fast for me to appreciate the beauty that was constantly under my nose.
   
   becomes
   
   I began to feel isolated, my life was moving [too] fast for me to appreciate the beauty that was [ubiquitous]to me.
   *under my nose might be some sort of "slang."

8. Rambunctious Rachel:
   
   It was very interesting reading about such a complex and abstract passion. I did not know that such a passion existed. Your paper is very well structured in its presentation and supported through your personal experiences, images, and description of people in different regions of the world. However, your mentioning of art near the end of your paper seemed to be awkwardly placed. Perhaps you can move it closer to the beginning and develop it more there.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   The man in the photo above is proof enough that there exists, somewhere, a different life style that contributes more fully to emotional release.
   
   Suggestion: The man in the photo above serves as enough proof that a different life style which contributes more to emotional release exists.

9. Trevor:
   
   You have a well-written and driven paper. I especially liked the Avenue Q song that you have on the page. Listening to it adds even more to the unity that you already have in your paper. To bring additional depth to the paper, maybe you can give a few examples of what you have done for your passion near the middle of your paper.
   
   Sentence Revision:
   
   How could I know who I truly was while constantly hiding my identity?
   
   becomes
   
   How could I discover myself if I was constantly hiding my identity?