Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your 1st Draft Focus (Overall quality: 5.4 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Evals
Reviewer 1	Your first two paragraphs have been very focused, staying on the topic of yourself and then Campbell''s hero. However, it''s taking a little while to get into the actual "meat" of your paper. For the first paragraph really discussing your journey (6), I like how you offer two traits to replace what you plan on purging. This whole paragraph is focused on separating from bad habits. I also really like the paragraph about the Peace Corp, it ties in well with your arguments, but you should connect your closing sentence to how the Peace Corps helps you separate from what you know to encourage communication. Throughout yhour paper, your purpose is clear: to show how Campbell''s definition of a hero shapes your journey to gain compassion, duty, and patience, which will serve you well in your future.	The reviewer provided sufficient insight to aide me in restructuring and elucidating the beginning and end of my paper. Not much was said about the middle of it.
Reviewer 2	You have a really, really powerful introduction that is amazingly focused on what is in store. This is not only a huge part of the focus of the paper, but a great organizational tool, as well. Where you say that Cambell''s hero is different from comic books, etc tie in the characteristics you lined out above as being imperative to his hero.	There was some initial confusion in the second paragraph''''s suggestion but they were hammered out. Emphasis was placed on reviewing the beginning of my paper but not the end.
Reviewer 3	Law, I liked your thesis of "seperation, transformation, and return," and it helped me follow along as I read your paper. However, I was disenchanted when I reached the end of your paper. It seems as if though it cuts off without really discussing the "return." To me, the return seems as if it is the most important part because this is where you would apply everything you''ll have learned while abroad. You don''t really say how you intend to apply this. Even though you dont know whether you''ll be a "doctor, lawyer," etc, there is still some common ground that all professions incur if you are compassionate. If anything, you should at least provide some examples of how you would accomplish this if you were a doctor or a lawyer. Otherwise, your conclusion is only shortened version of what your last body paragraph should be. This means that your paper does not have a conclusion that summarizes your thesis. Make sure that in your concluding paragraph, you discuss what you expect to accomplish with the "seperation, transformation, return" that you wish to undergo. For these reasons, I rated your focus a "5". Your thesis and body were strong for the most part, Just make sure that you discuss "return" a little more and that you write a thurough conclusion. P.S. I think the drug trafficker comment in your paper needs to go, I appreciate your humor, but "drug trafficker" is quite inappropriate. It does not exactly belong in the concluding paragraph of your paper	Provided wonderful insight on how I should focus more on the third step of the transformation process. However, the rest of the paper was not thoroughly reviewed.
Reviewer 4	After reading the intro, which definitely caught the reader’s eye (especially from this class because it ironically points out that you do not think of your self as a leader or unified – the two main themes of this class), it was clear to me as the reader that you were going to be discussing compassion, duty, and patience as the virtues that will lead you your leadership vision. However, as I continue to read, I expect you to jump right in to discussing the three, since they were your thesis; but the reader is thrown off when you introduce a new triple element – separation, initiation, and return. Because these steps are such a big part of your leadership vision, maybe you should state them in your introduction instead of lightly brushing over them. As I keep reading your paper, I am thinking that possibly the best way to maintain focus throughout the paper would most definitely be to change your thesis to more about the steps of becoming a hero versus the three heroic traits. Although both are important, it seems that you are concentrating more on the journey than the actually changes that are being made.	The review helped me clarify the specific goals that I set in the paper. As a result, a couple sentences were added in order to explain the process and logic behind the paper to better help the reader understand the plan of action.
Reviewer 5	The thesis of the paper is clearly established by the first paragraph. The author wishes to focus on his/her transformation into a leader/hero. They will undergo three different stages through which compassion, duty, and patience will be developed, followed by the emergence of a leader. There are a few places, such a paragraph 5, that are comprised of information that seems irrelevant to the topic at hand and will have not affect on the effectiveness of the paper. The literature that is cited is relevant to the thesis. However, I feel that the literature and the ideas of other authors are “taking the wheel,” and the writer’s own ideas are stuck in the “backseat.” The writer needs to let his/her own ideas speak for themselves and not echo that of someone else. I understood the focus of the paper, however, with the “backseat” ideas and the unnecessary information, paying attention to and following the essay were a little hard. The ideas presented in this paper are very strong, but somewhat diminished by the above stated factors. With a little bit more clean-up, the paper will be concise and well-written.	The reviewer makes an excellent point in their "backseat" discussion. This suggestion allowed me to strengthen my paper via the addition of sentences reflecting my personal preference and opinion.
	Your thesis is pretty clearly "During this journey, compassion, duty, and patience will be tested and improved. By developing these traits, I will ultimately make myself a better leader and individual." You do an excellent job of foregrounding this information in your intro. You have a secondary thesis later, when you explain the three steps, and I wonder whether you could signpost for the reader that it''s those three steps that will determine the structure of your paper. Then you sort of do the same thing with the three traits.	This prompted better organization for my paper.

Organization (Overall quality: 5.2 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Evals
Reviewer 1	The end of your first paragraph really sets up the organization of your paper well, saying it''s going to be based on Campbell''s definition and naming 3 traits. Paragraph 3 seems to also be setting up your paper, explaining what the three components of your journey are. This seems to be building logically on your previous paragraphs and makes sense in this order, setting us up for the following paragraph concerning your first component. Oh wait, the next paragraph isn''t about your first component, it''s another "explaining" or "setting up" paragraph, like the last 3. Is this really necessary? I think it would be much, much stronger to elaborate on how your personal journey differs from Campbell''s in the actual paragraphs describing the three steps, rather than throwing in another paragraph of exposition. We are ready to ready about your journey! However, the things said in this paragraph are very clear and well written. The same thing goes for the next mini-paragraph about time frames. In paragraph 8, you say you''re going to talk about the three traits you desire. I feel like you could spend more time discussing compassion. In the next paragraph, I was confused about what you were talking about. I know you want to show how compassion leads you to duty, so you should say this in your topic sentence to be more clear. You do this very well in the paragraph about patience. Good conclusion! After showing the steps of your transformation, you look to the future as well as connecting to your past journey. Go back and check to make sure your paragraphs all lead to one another. Or maybe that goes in the "Flow" box...let''s just say work on making transitions very clear.	The reviewer helped with the structure of my paper. Much of their suggestions were taken into consideration when the paper was being revised.
Reviewer 2	You perfectly line out the exactly traits that you are going to discuss, which is lovely. The journey idea is pure gold as well. We have similar ideas in our papers, but yours is organized much more strongly.	There is an understanding of my structure. However, not much criticism is given.
Reviewer 3	I liked your organization, with the exception of the final paragraph. Your sequence of ideas moved nicely (It helps that you plan it out with your thesis). One suggetion I would make however is to maybe try to bring your thesis statement a little earlier (preferrably, somehow, before you start citing sources too much) Becuase once you start bringing in literature, I felt that I had missed your thesis statement, so you should try to reverse this sequence of thoughts. Perhaps you could introdue your arguement and then spend a paragraph talking about why Campbell''s definition of a hero does and does not work for you. Also, like I mentioned before, you really need to try to clean up the conclusion issue. With the conclusion you have now, it doesn''t seem to fit correctly. For these reasons, I rated your organization a "5"	The suggestion of bringing my thesis in "a little earlier" was taken into consideration during revising. Not much was said about the rest of the paper''''s organization.
Reviewer 4	As far as how you introduced you major themes – compassion, duty, and patience – you stay in order nicely; however, it seems as though you introduce the three steps, explain them, and then return back to the ideas later on. It seemed a bit confusing to me because I did not know if you were completing them more that once or just talking about the steps in context with the other traits. I understand the order that you are trying to present the paper in and I think that it would appear to be a little bit better organized once you make a correction to your thesis. The paragraph about the lack of rush to complete your goal is very interesting and important in your paper, but it seems a bit out of place.	Because of the reviewer''''s second paragraph, the "lack of rush" paragraph in my paper was properly integrated into the rest of the body to sure relevance.
Reviewer 5	The organization of the paper starts off clear. The introduction draws in the reader with a personal example and then clearly delineates the path the paper will take. However, around paragraph 5, random paragraphs with information unnecessary to the ideas of the essay appear and throw off the organization of the essay. It is there that I began having issues focusing on the paper and understanding the ideas. I would reread (concentrating on the first 6 paragraphs or so) for information that does not enhance the meaning or effectiveness of the paper, and then remove them to make the paper more concise. Once these unnecessary paragraphs are removed, the organization will be better. The rest of the paper follows the “journey” the author will take transform into a leader. The transitions between paragraphs are effective and utilize evident transitions. The conclusion is in fact satisfying, communication what will happen to the author once he/she has undergone this transformation into a leader. It is not repetitious and neatly ties up all the ideas presented in the paper.	The paragraphs in the middle of the paper were reviewed and/or revised accordingly to ensure the effectiveness of the writing.
	On first read, the transition into the second paragraph is jarring, and it''s strange to have what looks like a thesis, then an extended discussion leading into a secondary thesis. You even have a third internal structure, when you''re talking about the three traits. Be VERY CAREFUL sandwiching like this. Though it looks great on an outline, the reader will get confused unless you''re frequently signposting what''s going on. I would take some time in this paper to explain to the reader what you''re going to be doing, then again while you''re doing it, then again after. Doesn''t need to be incredibly obvious or patronizing, but just so we''re clear about all the structures. You do a pretty good job of this as is, but I think if you read it, having had some time away from it, just look for what would confuse you as an outside reader.	Tune-ups were done on the organization of the structure and more "sign-posts" were added.

Flow (Overall quality: 5.2 )

Reviewer	Comments	Back-Evals
Reviewer 1	I think you could make your intro a little more attention catching. The first sentence is good, but the second part of it is awkward. The phrase "many other manifestations found in society" is especcially strange. The sentence could be better if it were "I am a student, a son, a brother, a friend, and many other personas depending on the time and place." The opnening sentence of your second paragraph is also problematic. Try "Joseph Campbell''s hero is not restricted to people who perform lifesaving deeds on a daily basis. It is much more realistic and unexpected..." In paragraph 3, look over your use of the word "literal," that sentence needs to be reworded. However, the second half of this paragraph seems a little out of place. I''m not sure you really need the disclaimer about being "more realistic" than Campbell, it''s a little obvious. I think throwing in the part about the 3 steps with the previous paragraph would lead better into your actual discussion. Your 6th paragraph experiences a stop in flow when you state "Two major habits are apathy and laziness." Alright, this statement is fair. But what about them? Are they YOUR habits? Are they pervasive in the world? Are they bad? Are they good? All you have told us is that THEY ARE HABITS. After revising this sentence, I suggest talking about why apathy and laziness are bad, and then discussing the effect it will have on your leadership after that, which connects the topics better. The 7th paragraph also has a little trouble opening. Revise your topic sentence to be more concise, you are repeating yourself a little bit. Your paragraphs about compassion, duty, and patience all flow very well and seem to rise from one another. Good job. I suggest doing a quick proof-read of paragraph 11, you have some awkwardness errors with "steadier and capable," "able to patiently listen," and the fact that you say "drug trafficker" =). On the whole, good conclusion - you connect to your previous paragraphs well. Your biggest problem throughout the paper seems to be a "case of the awkwards" near the beginnings of paragraphs when you have to talk about complex ideas. It seems like you gain your footing after a while, but you should go back and edit the sentences where you were sort of floundering around looking for what you wanted to say.	Examined and helped me understand the problems of flow in terms of ideas in my paper. There was not very much emphasis placed on the actual physical structure of the texts though.
Reviewer 2	There are a few sections where the sentences get a little too choppy, mainly around the definition of a hero, and a few other spots. Along with a few clunky phrases, I feel like in a few places you drill down too far into subjects. You have a great organization lined out, but at some points you are way far inside, like: 1. a) i ii iii b) i ii iii c) i ii iii 2. a) i ii iii b) i ii iii c) i ii iii 3. a) i ii iii b) i ii iii c) i ii When you are this far into the structure it''s hard to remember exactly where you are and what is going on. iii so, you could try consolidating some of the points, to improve the flow.	Points were consolidated accordingly to the reviewer''''s suggestion and the paper was revised to ensure that there is no confusion in terms of the points.
Reviewer 3	Law, your grammar is superb, and there is little tension within or between sentences. But, once again, the last paragraph feels clunky and as if there is alot that could be said. The sentences seem to hop around from one thing to another in an awkward fasion. I''m trying to stress how important it is that you clean up that last section. If you can fix that one issue, I''m sure that you''ll have a wonderful paper on your hands. For these reasons, I rated your flow a "6." Fix the problem with the conclusion and it will be awesome.	The last paragraph was adjusted to better express ideas and to avoid being "clunky."
Reviewer 4	Because some people do not think of that the terms hero and leader are interchangeable, the flow of your paper from the introduction into the first paragraph may seem a bit disunified. Possibly you could state that those traits would make you a better person and closer to Newman’s vision of a true hero. This would help the flow between the intro and body out a lot. Keep in mind that this is a very important place in your paper to keep the flow going. After seeing this, I notice that at the end of the first body paragraph you connect the two (hero and leader;) maybe it would be a better idea to do this early on to fix the problem discussed above. Your paper flowed well coming from a student in the same class who has done the readings that you are discussing. For further reference, however, I think it would have been somewhat hard to follow had I not been familiar with the course anthology – in particular the area of the steps to becoming a hero. Check the grammar on your third to last sentence; I think you are wanting to say “possess the ability TO sympathize…” This important since it is the reader’s last impression.	The suggestion of moving a point to an earlier position in the paper is logical and was applied.
Reviewer 5	The language used is clear and direct and easy for the reader to understand. The passive voice is not used often, which strengthens the paper. The essay is not filled with fluffy language that detracts from the meaning of the words themselves. Good job! Transitions between paragraphs are present in the beginning and end of the paper and make the flow from paragraph to paragraph smooth. In the middle, around the third and fifth paragraphs, the transitions are not clear and the ideas do not seem to fit in with the paper in the space or at all. The flow begins to break down, and as a result, the ideas seem to be lost of diminished. The 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence is necessary, but when first read without the following sentences, seems unnecessary. Add a transition to make the awkwardness disappear. As a minor note, in the last paragraph, I would use another word besides “profession” in line 6, because the writer will not “become” a profession.	Transitions were added in the middle part of the paper to ensure smoother flow.
	From the first sentence, I notice awkward language: "I am a student, a son, a brother, a friend, and many other manifestations found in society." You are manifestations? Of what? Then look again, in your thesis: "During this journey, compassion, duty, and patience will be tested and improved." Why the passive voice? It would seem like this is the time for you to become active, to take control of your destiny so to speak. Your goal for P4B should be to make the language more natural. Read it aloud or have someone read it to you. If you wouldn''t speak the sentence aloud, try not to write it. You''d be surprised how much directness will do for you--and it will also help you with the issues I addressed in the "organization" section.	The first two paragraphs do not really touch upon flow as much as idea and some style. The third paragraph offers a helpful strategy in revising

Back-evaluation of the reviews on the version 3099012 of your draft Focus (Overall quality: 5.5 )

Reviewer	Comments	Helpful?
Reviewer 1	I thought your focus was great. Your thesis was easy to understand, and the whole paper is relevant to the thesis. You use your quotes well, and I didn''t notice any sentences that were unnecessary.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Great focus on the positive aspects of the paper. It is appreciated
Reviewer 2	I think you can combine the paragraph where you define Campbell''s hero with the one before it it and the one after it. I think if when you are mapping out Campbell''s hero, if you numbered the different parts the same way you do in your paper, it would stay a lot more on track. For instance "Campbell''s hero must FIRST overcome adversity" or whatever. The you can use the same order when you elaborate on the ideas. I think this will draw the reader in even more, and let them know what you''re up to from the get-go.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Excellent advice-Taken into consideration
Reviewer 3	Your focus was good, you let the reader know what your argument was going to be and you stuck to it through the rest of the paper. Although your thesis is complex and has alot to it, the visual is a very appropriate aid and is very helpful in deciphering the argument. I think what your paper really needs is a summary of your argument in the conclusion. Reincorporate Campbell''s vision of a hero and go through the idea of "seperation, transformation, return" as well as the three traits Once again, I also think you should put a little more emphasis on "return", but thats just my opinion. Good Job Overall	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Good insight and advice. The second paragraph was incorporated into my conclusion.
Reviewer 4	You introduction, like I think I mentioned last time is good, mainly because it is the opposite of what the reader expects to hear when reading a leadership vision paper. I did not, however see any sort of thesis in your intro. You establish the fact that you are not a hero, but you don’t even really let the reader know that you are about to describe how to fix that. I think some sort of thesis is necessary; possibly could be fixed by combining the first and second paragraphs to make a more inclusive introduction. You do a really good job breaking down the steps of becoming a leader and making them more realistic. It seems that the paragraph starting with “ One issue that might surface would be the amount of time it would take for my journey to happen.” Needs a better transition into it. It has a good point, but almost seems out of place in the structure of the paper.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Excellent advice.
Reviewer 5	This is a VERY strong essay. All of the points made in the paper are relevant and extremely clear. In the first critique, I suggested that you let your own ideas take the “driver’s seat,” and you did just that. Your quotes no longer steal all the glory. You did fix one of the unclear/unnecessary paragraphs to make the essay more concise. However, I feel that you do not need the fifth paragraph. This is the most superficial explanation of your journey, and as it is explained, in depth, in the later part of your essay and at the beginning as your thesis, I would delete this paragraph to make it more concise. I really found little wrong with your paper and I think it is wonderful!!	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Good review.

Organization (Overall quality: 5.5 )

Reviewer	Comments	Helpful?
Reviewer 1	Your integration of visual rhetoric was very effective, but I would have like to see the pictures integrated into the text more. They seemed relevant, but you never addressed them. Your paper maintains a logical order that is visually described by your road map, so maybe it would be more effective to put the road map earlier.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Taken into account, thank you.
Reviewer 2	You really perfectly lay out what you are going to do, and the diagram is a really nice touch. You have a solid outline and stick to it very well. The reader never feels lost or confused. The only thing I can think of, is maybe breaking the three sections apart with sub-titles or something. Just from a visual standpoint, this would separate the ideas even more absolutely.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 3	There isn''t much I can say about organization. You outline your paper at the beginning and you follow said outline rigidly. Your paragraphs don''t stray away from the point that they try to make which was pretty cool. You also introduce each trait very straightforwardly, making it easy to know what you were discussing (but it did provide some issues with flow). Overall, your organization is flawless	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 4	The organization of your paper is good and simple, which is great for reading. You talk about the three steps of becoming Campbell’s hero and then you switch into talking about the three traits of a hero. You did a good job transitioning among these topics. The only other thing I can think is that you need to formulate a thesis to express to the reader that this will be the series of events talked about in the paper. Because I have read Campbell, I was able to follow; however, without formulating a solid thesis others readers might struggle with the organization.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 5	You organization was very appropriate for your paper subject. The body paragraphs that gave the original draft a rocky reading have been corrected and effective transition sentences have been added, giving the paper almost a flawless readability. The visual rhetoric is integrated with the verbal rhetoric nicely. The only thing to fix, as stated above, would be that fifth paragraph that kind of throws off your organization, as it almost sounds like it belongs as a conclusion. As I said before, I had a lot of trouble finding things that were wrong with you essay.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4 3 2 1: Not helpful at all The fifth paragraph was reconstructed accordingly

Flow (Overall quality: 6.0 )

Reviewer	Comments	Helpful?
Reviewer 1	You had almost perfect punctuation, your paragraphs are mostly connected back to front to make it flow well, and you used clear and easy to understand language.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4: Average 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 2	You have a really nice flow going in this paper, where each idea morphs into the next without the reader even really noticing. The only part that was jagged was the transition from talking about Buddha to the time-span of your plan.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4: Average 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 3	Your flow was pretty good, but the biggest issue I had was with the transitions between the points. If you look at the introductions to each of the traits they go: "The first stage involves separating from..." to " The second stage of the journey ..." to "The final component of the..." It makes the paper kind of bumpy. See if you can introduce the subjects a bit better than that, make your introductions smoother.	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4: Average 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 4	The first time that I really paused in reading your paper was when your say “time is used.” I don’t really think used is the correct verb to couple with time. I would use the verb spent. At first glance of your website, my thought was wooah, those pictures are really out there, but you did a really good job incorporating them into your paper. I would not start a paragraph with the word and. In paragraph two, your say “And within this journey, compassion, duty, and patience will be tested and improved.” I think the and is unnecessary. You do this again in paragraph four: “And in this journey, I will develop the three traits I mentioned earlier: compassion, duty, and patience.” Great, insightful ending!	== SELECT == 7: Most helpful 6 5 4: Average 3 2 1: Not helpful at all Thanks
Reviewer 5	There is a lot of repetition with sentences along the lines of: “Within this stage, the three aforementioned traits will be developed: compassion, duty, and patience.” I know you want to reinforce to the reader what traits you are focusing one, but by the 2nd time, we get it. At the very end, in the sentence beginning: “It does not matter whether I will become a doctor…” I literally paused to see if that was the right word. It seems that “profession” is not the right word choice there, because you don’t “BECOME” a profession. Four paragraphs from the bottom, the sentence “It is also during this topic where Campbell’s definition of a hero is used” seems a little out of place and disturbs the flow. I would either cut it out entirely of just find another sentence that works better. Otherwise, GREAT JOB!! (By the way, I think I have been most enthusiastic about your paper).