Reviews of My P4A

Focus (Overall quality: 5.6 )

Reviewer	Comments
Reviewer 1	I think that your focus has much to do with your topic sentences. Because of the analogy you develop as your thesis, everything in your paper is very clear. But sometimes, I wasn''t exactly sure where a paragraph was going until the third line. So, you don''t really need to reword paragraphs as rather make them clearer more quickly. For instance, take the paragraph on page 3 beginning with "Alice is also free...". Once I got to the sentence "This scene is symbolic..." I knew exactly what you were thinking. But I felt like I should know your focus earlier in this paragraph. By making sentence 3 into your topic sentence, you make this paragraph easier to read and also eliminate one of those middle school-esque sentences that are like "This shows that." Sometimes, like in the first paragraph of page 4, you talk in depth about your future and what you imagine in it. The fashion shows, the magazines, etc. All possibilities. I don''t think you run on here, but I think that you CONSTANTLY need to tie these back into your topic. Here, you''re talking about those values rather than the body analogy itself. The series of paragraphs on pages 4-5 are great, but they need a little more connectiveness (that''s not a word, I believe). But for the most part, you are good. You talk about the 3 components of your thesis, the values that serve as little subgroups, and have a clear image of what you''re going to become. You don''t stray or ramble, which is a plus.
Reviewer 2	You have a really great organizational scheme, but sometimes you don''t stick to it closely enough. In particular I felt like the sections about Alice, while somewhat relevant, detracted from the focus of the paper. You start to focus on Alice''s journey instead of your own. I want to applaud the quotes you''ve pulled out, as many of them contribute very strongly to the focus of the paper and the topics of each section.
Reviewer 3	I liked how you introduced you paper with the example on how we "compose" ourselves. However, you spend a little too much time on them. After a while, I was wondering when I was to find out what you paper was about. As if now, the examples are 140 words long (a tenth of your paper!) I think you would benefit from getting to the point a little faster. How about just picking two or three three of your more favorite ones and cutting out the rest? Furthermore, you get to the thesis (which I could not exactly tell whether it was Newmans "four traits" or the last three sentences about the Skeleton/ muscles/ skin; I realized it was the former after reading the entire paper) almost a third into the paper. Having it so far into the paper made it difficult for me to determine what your thesis was because I was looking for it in the first paragraph. You need to find a way to bring your thesis out earlier and make it more clear. After your second paragraph, the rest of the paper very clearly adresses the thesis. There are few problems there in terms of focus, as you let me know what kind of person you wanted to be. One problem, however, is that you don''t mention or adress the skeleton/ muscles/ skin dynamic in the body or in the conclusion. I think you should, at least, demonstrate how your body show the reader why this relationship is important to you in the conclusion. If not, you can always cut it out in your second paragraph, it would help with the clarity of the thesis. I rated your focus a "5" because although the thesis was somewhat vague and your conclusion did not adress part of the thesis, the body of your paper helped to clear up most of your paper.
Reviewer 4	You stayed very focused throughout this paper, with the exception of possibly the first paragraph, which is explained below. You say right from the get-go that you are going to be discussing your composition and character traits from the very beginning in terms of four different aspects, and this is just what you do. The only suggestion I can make is that you may want to mention that word leadership or “change the lives of others” or role model, or something of the sort in you intro because in that end that is what you are concentrating on.
Reviewer 5	The writer establishes what she desires to become and a good metaphor to fully convey her message to the reader. The thesis, striving to create a “skeleton” of four different characteristics, is clearly stated at the beginning of the paper and lays out the plan of the paper for the reader. The writer brings in other sources and ideas from other authors that enhance the ideas of her own paper. Each topic stays with the focus of the paper – enhancing these four qualities. The conclusion neatly summarizes the ideas that have been presented in the paper, while at the same time is not repetitious. I don''t know if this is the right section for this, but I woud like to see the leadership aspect of the paper played up a little bit more. Summarized thesis: The writer wishes to “compose” herself as “skeleton” (character) based on freedom, equitableness, calmness and moderation, and wisdom. I especially liked the beginning. The list of things we compose was interesting and made me want to read more and know where the writer was going with the paper. The list, however, was a little long, and my attention began to wane at the end. Perhaps it could be shortened and still achieve the desired affect. I could not find a spot in the paper where the writer strays from the focus of the paper, as every piece of information was relevant to the ideas.
	It seems like if you have a thesis, it''s the better part of your second paragraph. I''ll discuss this more in-depth in the "organization" section, but in terms of the thesis, you need a point to just come out to the reader and explain your paper''s purpose. What that''s going to take is you figuring out the relationship of the four parts of the skeleton''s relationships to each other, and then each''s relationship to the muscles and skin. You''re working with a really advanced organizational scheme, and I still applaud you for taking it on, but I challenge you to clarify it in a way that will make it effortless to the reader. So you''re dealing with four components, traits, that in sum form a skeleton for the kind of person you want to be. Those traits must be enforced by actions and plans, then presented outwardly to others. Seems simple enough. The trick will be organizing this so that the message comes across clearly.

Organization (Overall quality: 6.6 )

Reviewer	Comments
Reviewer 1	I thought that your paper''s organization, developed around the anatomy analogy, was very good. This analogy, serving as your thesis, made what you were going to talk about very clear. An important aspect of writing your paragraphs is the ability to link them back to your thesis, and I think you set yourself up well with this. Each paragraph you can mention a single part of the body analogy and the reader will know exactly what you''re talking about. The one part that I think needed better topic sentences (or rather, previous-paragraph linkage) was on page 3, talking about Alice and Newman. Those two paragraphs, I think, you need to look at and rework them to make sure each sentence ties directly into the topic sentence (which itself needs to be clearer) and your general thesis. I think that the problem here is that on this page you don''t mention your body analogy, and I found myself wondering which part of the analogy these paragraphs were fulfilling. There was never any transitions that I thought were completely irrelevant, and I never got lost. I mentioned a few things to fix in the previous paragraph, but for the most part the transitions are very good. The only reason I didn''t give you a 7 on this section is because your transitions are very similar, like: this is the skeleton, this is the muscles, etc. BUT DO NOT THINK THAT THAT IS A BAD THING. The qualifications for 7 implied some subtle transitions. Yours are not subtle, but they are still very, very good. The organization, I think, you have a good handle on.
Reviewer 2	I love how you break down such abstract ideas into concrete pieces, and it is done so very clearly. It''s very powerful when you take the 4 characteristics from the Newman quote and line them out, but you could even make the sections in which you address each one individually more obvious. At some points I forgot whether we were going through body parts or Newman''s four points. The skeleton and organ thing is really just too lovely. It really makes the reader feel like he is a part of building you, but also gets across which parts are the most important, etc. You have two great organization patterns - you just need to make sure they can work together.
Reviewer 3	I thought that your paper was very well organized. Although you are a little vague in where your paper is headed, it clears up when you go on into your body paragraph. I think the way your paper is outlined is very effective, as long as you make sure to clear up the thesis to let me know where the paper will be going. I rated your organization a "7" because you don''t go off on tangents in the body of the paper. you manage to stay on a very direct path and waste no time. Outstanding job.
Reviewer 4	This paper was wonderfully organized! From the very beginning, I knew exactly where you were going to go with your paper: freedom, equitableness, calmness, moderation, and wisdom. You even did a good job clarifying that you would include calmness and moderation under the same heading. However, where reading that section, it is very obvious that you discuss the moderation aspect, but I am have a difficult time seeing where calmness fits in. Maybe try to stress that more in the body Once again, your conclusion did a great job simply repeating the traits and saying that they are what will lead you to be a role model.
Reviewer 5	The writer has an established flow. She opens with a very catchy introduction in which she grabs the reader’s attention and pulls them into the body of the paper. The following paragraph clearly states her thesis and establishes the metaphor/analogy that will be carried all the way through the paper. Each body paragraph describes one of the four specific characteristics the writer wants to come to embody. The conclusion, through brief, wraps up the ideas of the writer without repetition. The ideas and thoughts are strong and do not weaken the flow of the paper. The only suggestion I have is in the third and fourth paragraphs. Freedom has two paragraphs, while the other qualities only have one. Is there supposed to be an emphasis on freedom? Perhaps the writer could combine these two paragraphs into a single paragraph in order to carry this pattern on throughout the paper.
	So once you''ve developed a thesis that clearly delineates the metaphor (or a thesis that explains your vision with the metaphor''s explanation in close proximity), you''re going to need to make the body structures parallel. I''m picking up traces of the following structure, and it''s something you might want to explore for your body paragraphs: (1) Name the trait and explain what it means to you, and specifically how it ties back to the skeleton as a whole--what kind of person you want to be. (2) Provide examples and quotations that more clearly define the trait. (3) Tell what muscles will coat this skeleton. (4) Tell what the skin would look like. If you were to do this every time, in a more-or-less parallel fashion, it would be an easier trip through the paper. You already have most of this content--just not really in order. Also, the fact that you''ve given freedom two paragraphs is a little confusing. While I love your intro, I still think it goes on for far too long. Pare down your examples to the ones you find most vivid, the ones that cut most to the heart of the argument. I''d consider putting the thesis in this paragraph, then using the next one to explain it--i.e. you''ve told the reader that you want to compose a skeleton, then coat it with muscles and skin, then the next paragraph explains what each of those means specifically in your argument. Oh, and the transitions could be a little smoother. I think I told you in our meeting to have direct transitions, to signpost for the reader. But now that they''re really direct, you can probably coat them a little, especially since you have plenty of potential images to work with.

Flow (Overall quality: 5.6 )

Reviewer	Comments
Reviewer 1	The good news is, there are no structural problems with your paper affecting its flow. Nothing drastic to change, which is always a relief. I found myself on several occasions just stumbling on little things that are easy to fix. Often, your biggest problem is just wordiness. On page 1, the part with "We compose...inside our heads" I found to be too much. You need fluctuation in your sentence length, and these back-to-back lengthy sentences briefly disinterested me. In the same paragraph, "Why...meticulous foresight," I found broken apart by the 2 why''s. I think you can reword that much better and make it flow smoother. It just made me repeat and go over the sentence a few times, which you want to avoid. At the top of page 3, where you have the quote beginning with "When asked..." I think you should leave that out. Paraphrase instead of using the brackets. The more important quote immediately follows that one and you need not use a quote to set up the context of the second one. The brackets made me stop, reread, and wonder about the original quote (play to the stupidity of the reader!). On page 4, the end of the top paragraph and the beginning of the second, many sentences could be omitted or made more consise. "something of an adage" is unclear, again, stupidity of reader. Omit the sentence "I think...of advice," it weakens your argument. This statement is already implied. The sentence with "partying so hard...on life," can also be tweaked to be more concise. Other than that, there were no major problems of flow that made me stop and wonder where the hell I was. Good work.
Reviewer 2	You might think about maybe cutting a few of the examples at the beginning. It''s a great way to start, but it drags on almost a whole page, and makes the reader wonder where the paper is going. In the paragraph were you use the word equitableness, you might want to move the sentence defining that word directly after it. I had to stop once I read the definition, then go back to read the second sentence. You use the phase "is that of _____" a lot. After a while it started to break up the flow you had going. The Newman quote on the second page is missing a word or something. These were the only times I had to stop and figure out what was going on.
Reviewer 3	Your paper starts off smoothly, as you prejct a good deal of confidence in your argument. However, near the end of the fifth paragraph and for the rest of your paper, this confidence is watered down. You use the phrase "I think" to start off an number of your sentences. Keep in mind that since this your paper, we assume that this is what you think, so I strongly suggest that you cut out the use of that phrase. Thus, instead of saying "I think that equitableness will really serve me well." Try using: "equitableness will really serve me well." It would also help if you cut out amplifyer words such as "really," "very," etc. So a further suggested revision on that clause would be "equitableness will serve me well." In terms of transitions between paragraphs, they seem to be a little staccato. By this, I mean that your arguments come in bursts as opposed to being smooth. I think the spot where this mostly occurs is between the fifth, sixth, adn seventh paragraphs, where they begin -- respectively -- "The second quality named by Newman," followed by "Newman’s third quality," which is followed by "The final characteristic described by Newman." Although they do serve their purpose, they are abrupt. Also, try to include contractions as little as you can, they are a little too colloquial. I rated your flow a "5" because the second half of your paper falters in the confidence and smoothness that was characteristic of the first half of your paper. There is flow present within you paper, but it could use some work.
Reviewer 4	Using the terms skeleton, skin, and muscle are very clever, however when applying them in the body paragraphs I had to refer back to their introduction to remember exactly what they meant. I think that you should keep them in there, but maybe everyone once and awhile remind the reader that muscle means past experiences..etc. You got a little wordy in the middle of page four when discussing the fashion industry. Good job tying in the skeleton again in the conclusion, this really ties your paper together form beginning to end, with plenty of references in the middle. I don’t know if this is the proper place to include this, but it almost seems as though you have two introductions. The entire first paragraph, although it does introduce that title, I did not see it adding more to the paper besides interesting and truthful fluff. I liked it, don’t get me wrong, but it seems that the skeleton, skin, and muscle idea may have been enough of and introduction. For me it was fine, but I was wondering if Bump would want more unity and transition when you are changing from one topic ot another. I don''t really have any suggestions and I think it is okay because you pretty much give an outline and the beginning, but it was just a last minute thought.
Reviewer 5	The flow of the paper is smooth. The organization of the paper lends itself to a smooth flow between paragraphs. Clear transitions are present, decidedly denoting which character trait will be the topic of the paragraph. The flow within the paragraphs is smooth as well, although there area few bumps. In the fourth paragraph, line 6: “I want to have an education in many different subjects so that I can enter “with comparative ease into any subject of thought,” as Newman says of an educated student. The sentence is wonderfully written, however, I, as a reader, had trouble with the end “as Newman says of an educated student.” For me, this interrupted the flow and the ideas, and is not a necessary piece of information. Likewise, in paragraph 5, line 8: “Reading novels and the news allows us to gain “an enlarged understanding of people we don’t usually think of looking at,” as E.L. Doctorow noted.” The ending “as E.L. Doctorow noted” is not necessary and interferes with the flow of the paper. There are a few more spots like this near the quotes that could be trimmed and allow for better flow in the individual paragraphs. Also in paragraph 5, line 11: “This tendency against judgment is the way I want to project myself to others in the future – being equitable to others will make me a better listener.” The beginning of the sentence is a bit awkward and distracts from the overall flow of the paper. To improve flow of words and ideas, use a different word or phrase was used besides “tendency against judgment.”
	You''ve got good, imagistic language. Now eliminate all those excess words. There are plenty examples of needless protracting in your paper: "This skeleton, catalyzed by my education here at UT, can be further built upon with muscles and skin." "The first trait to form my “skeleton” is that of freedom." "This tendency against judgment is the way I want to project myself to others in the future – being equitable to others will make me a better listener." Do you see the symptoms? This, that, to be, etc. All sentences like this can be made more direct--and can have stronger verbs.