|
Focus (Overall quality: 5.8 )
|
Reviewer
|
Comments
|
|
Reviewer 1
|
I felt that your thesis was a little less clear than last
time. Here, you''ve really hammered home your body analogy. But in doing
so, I feel we lost some of the clarity of how that works into you. (That
might''ve been confusing). You say: "To compose myself in this way, I
will build myself a skeleton of desirable traits that will support each
other to support me. Then, I will reinforce the skeleton with muscles –
concrete actions and plans – that will give the traits life and purpose.
Finally, my new self will be coated with skin, the way I want people to
perceive me in my future." But i would like to hear some, at least
broad, examples of these traits, plans, and futures. Right now, you kind of
leave the reading wondering a bit too much. Then, after you build up this
analogy, you don''t place as much as importance on it. You then place much
more importance on the traits, and focus on primarily ONE of those 3 body
characteristics. The paragraph following your introduction briefly
discusses each of the three, but then launches into mostly a discussion of
the bones of the skeleton. In each trait paragraph, you discuss all 3:
bones, muscles, skin. In this fashion, your paper jumps around and I had
some trouble keeping up. By organizing your thesis or paragraphs
differently, as I mention below, you should be able to fix this.
|
|
Reviewer 2
|
I still really love the "skeleton" idea, and I
think you''ve made it even more direct and authoritative. The last part of
your introduction is a perfect way to lay out what you are going to do, and
you stick to the course very well. The only thing that confused me is in
the first paragraph when you talk about muscles and skin, but never follow
up on those aspects. I think by moving that part to the end, you''ll really
clear it up even more.
|
|
Reviewer 3
|
Liz, your focus remains very clear and very straightforward,
excellent work. You shortened the intro paragraph and you got to the thesis
much more clearly since you put it in the first paragraph. You then
continue to give us your argument point by point without straying off once,
Bravo. In your conclusion, I think it would help if you went through the
four traits once more, perhaps one per sentence, make sure to remind us of
what we just read.
|
|
Reviewer 4
|
Good Job Liz! This evaluation may seem like it does not help
that much, but that is because I think your paper is amazing! I love the
idea that you used with the body comparison and I think that in this draft
you have done a much better job describing what the skin and muscles
parallel to! I am seriously impressed.
Read ideas for thesis below!
|
|
Reviewer 5
|
The focus was always strong and clear to begin with. It has
gotten better, but most of the corrections and changes that were made
improved the flow of the essay. The opening of the paper has been scaled
down a bit, and it long enough to entertain and engage the reader, but not
too long to the point the reader’s attention is lost. The essay is very
concise as far as unnecessary adjectives and modifiers. The only section
that seemed in the least bit redundant was at the end of the second
paragraph, where you state what the skeleton, skin and muscles stand for.
This has already been stated in the first paragraph, granted you do go into
more detail in the second paragraph. I suggest that you save that detail
for your body paragraphs, and eliminate the part in the second paragraph,
as to remove all hints of repetition. One of the strengthening aspects of
the paper was a brief sentence at the end of the body paragraphs that sums
up the information given to you over the course of the paragraph. Liz, you
are a great writer and this paper was fun and easy to read. There was
nothing that strayed from the thought pattern of the paper. On a smaller
note, at the beginning of the second paragraph, the first sentence: “In
this manner, I can carefully compose my life in the same way that evolution
and God composed humanity.” This sentence seemed a little out of place and left
me wondering whether I missed info earlier in the paper or not. As it is
not necessary, simply deleting it would make everything flow better and not
leave the reader wondering if they missed something. Overall, excellently
written!!
|
|
|
Organization (Overall quality: 6.3 )
|
Reviewer
|
Comments
|
|
Reviewer 1
|
The way your thesis is organized contradicts the organization
of the following paragraphs. From your thesis, it sounds like your paper
will be broken into: skeleton (traits), muscles (plans of action), and skin
(perception). But, when the reader gets into the thick of your paper, you
start dividing your paragraphs up by the four traits you discuss. I suggest
changing one of the two to make them more parallel. Instead of making it
seem that you''ll be talking about 3 things (as implied in the thesis),
then talking about each of the 3 in 4 different settings, I suggest talking
about the traits in the thesis, and how each of them contribute (in their
own ways) to this body build-up: bones, muscles, tissue. Focus and
organization are highly tied together, so fixing this problem should make
the focus of the paper much better as well, relieving many of the issues I
discussed above.
|
|
Reviewer 2
|
Your organization is wonderful and really helped wit the
focus. The only thing I''d change is moving the parts about muscles and
skin towards the end. They only get in the way of your wonderful
"skeleton" organization.
I know this is .html''s fault, but your pictures are kind of randomly
jutting out all over the place, and Bump says to take visual organization
into account, so you might try to tweak those, but I know how hard it is,
so I''m not taking off points.
|
|
Reviewer 3
|
Organization is flawless. Right from the start, you tell us
how your paper is going to be structured and you follow that structure to
the very end. Given that it isnt very thrilling, the simplicity and
coherence of your organization gives your paper a nice touch. Very good.
|
|
Reviewer 4
|
Great organization! You work from the inside out, both in your
skeleton and in your personality. I was super impressed with the idea of
comparing all the different aspects about you to the human body! I really
cant ‘complain about anything in your organization. You explained the
layout with precise definition of “muscles” and “skin” and then follow your
path. You define the four characteristics that you say you will from the
very beginning and stick to the same order and whatnot throughout the
paper.
I understand the thesis ideas, but with so much analogy and information, I
found it difficult to locate an actual thesis statement that covered
everything. Although I think your organization is great without it, that is
the only think that I can even think to suggest.
|
|
Reviewer 5
|
The paper still follows a specific organization patter that is
laid out for the reader within the first two paragraphs. The only
suggestion that I had last time was the combination of the two paragraphs
about freedom, and the suggestion was taken. As far as visual rhetoric, I
thought the paper was so strong that it could and did stand on its own. The
pictures reinforced the ideas that you were presenting and gave the reader
a break from reading every once in awhile to enjoy something more visually
stimulating than words on a page. As I said before, the intro is very
intriguing, the conclusion nicely wraps up loose ends while avoiding
repetition, and each paragraph centers around a center theme that is
related back to the thesis by a topic sentence.
|
|
|
Flow (Overall quality: 5.2 )
|
Reviewer
|
Comments
|
|
Reviewer 1
|
I think the biggest thing to improve your flow is to make
your conclusions earlier in your paragraphs. Your topic sentences are
embedded a little bit into each paragraph. You end each paragraph with a
good conclusion, such as: "My future “skin” will show an admirable and
confident person – it’s hard to respect a workaholic, a party girl, or
someone who is quick to be offended or upset, but it’s easy to respect a
balanced but passionate person." These types of sentences talk about
the traits in relation to you. However, you always begin with sentences
like: " The final characteristic outlines by Newman is wisdom."
Not only does this not talk about you, but it doesn''t connect wisdom to
the previous paragraph. Your content is good, but the paragraphs don''t
flow together. You need to constantly make sure that equitableness ties
into calmness and moderation, which ties into wisdom, etc. All of these
things come together to form your body analogy. Without connection, the
body wouldn''t function. So without effective transitions, the body analogy
doesn''t function.
|
|
Reviewer 2
|
With the different bones in different paragraphs, sometimes
there is a big leap between paragraphs. It doesn''t really distract, but by
maybe ending one with an idea and starting the next with something similar
or parallel you can make this the most buttery smooth thing ever.
|
|
Reviewer 3
|
Although having a simple organization has its advantage of
being clear, there is also the disadvantage that you shift gears very
abrubptly. What I mean to say is that your transitions between paragraphs
are somewhat lacking. Try to work on tieing between the four elements of
your skeleton within the paragraphs. How do they relate eachother? Try to
work on transitions, but your intro sentences are better than last time.
Also watch out for little mistakes: first sentence, penultimate paragraph,
change outlines to outlined. I could catch any others but it never hurts to
give it a quick read-through.
|
|
Reviewer 4
|
This is a really stupid thing to point out, but as an OCD
reader, it would have been a lot nicer if you paralleled the punctuation
concerning the skin and muscles (aka make them both commas of both dashes):
“Then, I will reinforce the skeleton with muscles – concrete actions and
plans – that will give the traits life and purpose. Finally, my new self
will be coated with skin, the way I want people to perceive me in my
future.”
Also, little and unimportant, this sentence seemed to drone on and although
it is interesting what your career options are, it is not really relevant
to the paper, “support me in whatever I do, whether I end up teaching or
writing, in fashion or in something completely different. “ Along this
line, the Anne Taylor pictures does not seem relevant in the scheme of
things.
|
|
Reviewer 5
|
The punctuation is very good. The use of commas is correct
and there are no comma splices or commas used where they shouldn’t be.
Sentences in the first draft that caused the reader to pause because the
flow seemed a little rocky (for example: “Reading novels and the news
allows us to gain “an enlarged understanding of people we don’t usually
think of looking at,” as E.L. Doctorow noted.”) were fixed. On a few minor
notes: In the third paragraph from the bottom: “College is already giving
me a lot of practice for balancing my future: it has a vibrant social
scene, but you are also constantly being evaluated on your work.” You go
from “me” to “you” and interrupts the flow of thoughts for the reader. Just
change the “you” so it stays personal and fits with the rest of your paper.
In the next to the last paragraph, in the first sentence, “outlines” should
read “outlined.” In the third paragraph, beginning “Alice also displays
this quality…” that also is not necessary and kind of makes the transition
a little rougher for the reader. Overall, this is a good paper with nicely
written transitions that make a clear and swift movement from one thought
to the next and utilizes sentence variation very well.
|
|