Composing Myself
“Whether I shall turn out to be the hero
of my own life, or whether that station will be
held by anybody else, these pages must show.”
-Charles Dickens in David Copperfield
In our lives, we compose many things: we carefully primp and pose to get the perfect pictures; we carefully apply layer after layer of paint, mixing reds and oranges and yellows to capture the spirit of a sunset in a painting; we focus on rhyme and connotation to choose each precious word in a poem. We compose to-do lists in our heads, mentally crossing each item off as it gets done, or reshuffling to accommodate procrastination; we compose wishful, imagined speeches to someone who has angered us, imagining the outrage and confusion on their faces when we make the perfect comeback; we compose a tune to hum as we walk, notes floating airily inside our heads. We compose messages to each other, carefully choosing each word for maximum effect, or else dashing off the first phrases that come to mind. But when, in all of this composing, do we ever stop to compose ourselves? Why, when we can carefully compose every element of an outfit – inspecting ourselves in the mirror, changing the shirt, the shoes, the hair, applying a sheen of lip gloss, imagining the comments the outfit will provoke – why don’t we compose our character traits with the same meticulous foresight? After all, composing the perfect outfit pales in comparison to becoming the “you” that you’ve always wanted to be.
 |
What if I could choose my character traits in the same way I choose my clothes, adding and layering to achieve the perfect product? If my character is the skeleton upon which I build my future, I can carefully compose my life in the same way that evolution and God composed humanity. In Newman’s “Idea of a University,” he states that education builds in students a “habit of mind is formed which lasts through life, of which the attributes are, freedom, equitableness, calmness, moderation, and wisdom.”[1] These four traits (calmness and moderation are combined for my purposes) embody the characteristics I would like to obtain in my life, and I think they will serve well as my “skeleton” to support me in whatever I do, whether I end up teaching or writing, in fashion or in something completely different. This skeleton, catalyzed by my education here at UT, can be further built upon with muscles and skin. The “muscles” of my self are the concrete plans I have, or my past experiences that move me to action. The “skin,” or outward self, is how I want to project my inner character and actions to present to the world, how I want others to perceive me in my future.
The first trait to form my “skeleton” is that of freedom. Freedom is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as “The state of being able to act without hindrance or restraint” or “liberty of action.”[2] To me, the “musculature” to bring life to this quality is always remembering that I have a choice in the direction my life takes. In high school, the back of my letter jacket read “FREE YOUR MIND” – a quote to remind myself and those around me to remember that we don’t have to be controlled by the society around us. I am already exercising this quality of freedom in my college career. Instead of choosing a major such as business or medicine that will guarantee me a job in the future, I’m choosing to major in fields that I’m genuinely interested in, trusting that I will be happy in the future no matter what. A literary figure that embodies this meaning of freedom is that of Alice in Alice in Wonderland. Throughout the story, she exhibits a literal and metaphorical lack of restriction. Alice exhibits freedom in her wanderings by simply doing just that – wandering. When asked “where [she] want[ed] to get to,” she simply replied, “I don’t much care where … so long as I get somewhere.”[3] This liberty in travel plans recalls my own wish to leisurely study the subjects I am passionate about without having a direct plan for success.
Alice is also free from the restrictions of her current self – she literally changes size many times throughout the story, allowing herself to fit in to a myriad of environments. When she wants to enter “the loveliest garden you ever saw,” she simply changes size freely until she is able to fit through the door.[4] This scene is symbolic of the future self I want to be: I want to have an education in many different subjects so that I can enter “with comparative ease into any subject of thought,” as Newman says of an educated student.[5] For example, if I end up as an English teacher, my varied interests will allow me to relate to many different kinds of students, providing a role model who isn’t restricted to just one interest. Like Alice, I want my “skin,” or outward self, to show confidence in my own future, and freedom from the restrictions of society.
The second quality named by Newman focuses more on my actions towards others: equitableness. This trait of fairness will serve me well in my home life and in my profession. To be equitable is to remember not to judge others, and to treat others as I would like to be treated. This trait is explained by Jesus through the Gospel of John in his command to “love one another, as I have loved you.”[6] One example of how I am already practicing equitableness is through the sympathetic imagination. As my hero William Shakespeare did, I try to understand all of my fellow men and women, no matter how different from me they seem to be. Reading novels and the news allows us to gain “an enlarged understanding of people we don’t usually think of looking at,” as E.L. Doctorow noted.[7] By being able to sympathize with our fellow man, we will be slow to judge and quick to forgive. This tendency against judgment is the way I want to project myself to others in the future – being equitable to others will make me a better listener. If some day I do end up working in the fashion industry, I think that equitableness will really serve me well. Being open to other ideas without prejudging their authors is important for open communication and for innovation, which will ultimately improve the content of my magazine, or my fashion line, or the runway show or party I am producing with fresh ideas.
Newman’s third quality, calmness and moderation, is something of an adage already. “All things in moderation,” the saying goes. However, how many people truly follow this in their lives? I think this is an incredibly wise piece of advice. The rampant disregard for this maxim is especially apparent on a college campus, with students constantly either partying so hard they pass out or studying so hard they seem to miss out on life. In my future, I will practice moderation so as to avoid the negative effects of the extremes. I will try not to spend all of my time doing work, so that I can take time to enjoy my family and my children. I think college is giving me a lot of practice for balancing my future, because it has such a vibrant social scene, but you are also constantly being evaluated on your work. My future “skin” will show an admirable and confident person – it’s hard to respect a workaholic or someone who parties all the time, but it’s easy to respect a balanced, but passionate, person.
The final characteristic described by Newman is wisdom. I have always felt that the idea of wisdom was best explained by a prayer I have known most of my life: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”[8] These words perfectly describe why wisdom is part of my ideal self. I think that wisdom is really what grants happiness. Like the prayer says, the wise people find contentment in everything – they change what they can and accept what they can’t. This is particularly hard for me to do. If something is making me unhappy, it takes Herculean amounts of self control to accept it as a fact and not let it eat me up inside. However, I think that wisdom comes through experience, so the longer I live and the more I do, the wiser I will be. This is why my education is crucial – I learn so much here that I will use in life, both in the classroom and out. Being wise is an especially important quality in a leader, who should try to be calm and competent no matter what the situation. I hope to be the kind of leader who is constantly asked for advice by my students or coworkers, and I will use my wisdom and serenity to genuinely help others.
Armed with these four traits, I believe I will be successful in all that I do. They form a strong skeleton that will support my future, the shape of my actions, and the way others see me. My dream is to be a role model and inspiration for students and equals, as I have been inspired by so many in my own life. I want my actions, words, and writing to prove the importance traits of these to the next generation. Whether I am an English teacher, a fashion editor, a writer, or something I haven’t even considered, I know that these characteristics will help me to change the lives of others.
Word count without quotes: 1,478
DB count: 3,893