Responses from Others

FROM GARRISON I feel you start off a little disconnected. Your thesis states several things that you admire about Bill, but then your first topic is immortality, which isn¿t mentioned above. Perhaps your intention is to focus more on the understanding of human nature, and if so, this needs to be conveyed a little more clearly. You talk a lot about understanding fellow man in the subsequent paragraphs; perhaps mention this more directly as the cause behind Shakespeare¿s legacy. This content is very good, but its organization can be improved. Later on in other paragraphs I found a few sentences that are wordy and kind of lost me a little before reaching the end, like ¿realism of his character¿¿ sentence. Nothing wrong with making short, concise sentences here. You won¿t lose anything; yet, you have gains to make from this. Toward the end, you start talking about his literature and what you want to possess, etc ¿ this part is great. You end well.

Liz¿s Sentence: There is a tired and true saying that one should "walk a mile in the other's shoes" before passing judgment. It may seem trite, but that is exactly the concept of sympathetic imagination in a nutshell.

Garrison¿s Sentence: The saying that one should ¿walk a mile in the other¿s shoes may seem trite, but it explains the concept of the sympathetic imagination.

FROM ADAM Congratulations on a dynamic intro. You've gotten my attention as a reader--now you need to keep it with a structured, compelling argument.

For the most part, I can see you doing this in your transition/topic sentences. I'd look at a few that don't connect as well: "Shakespeare truly understood..." (you were just talking about immortality), "As a writer..." (you were just talking about David Powell).

Also, structurally, I think you are repeating yourself in the middle when you're talking about empathy. Look at each of those paragraphs and ask yourself how they can be differentiated (then craft strong topic sentences for each).

You told me your strength was writing clear prose, and I see that here, but I'd look at the "Readability and Clarity" and "Saying What You Mean" handouts for tips on how to get rid of a case of the awkwards. For example, while a strong topic sentence in terms of content, I'd never hear you say, "One reason for this immortality is that Shakespeare wrote about universal themes." Remember that "this," "that," and "is" are all symptomatic of buried agency. And all present here. So could "this" be "Shakespeare's"? And could the "(expletive) is that" construction make way for something more direct? I might consider something like "His work's immortality comes, in part, from its universal themes." Something like that. Is it more clear, more natural? (I don't think "come" is the strongest verb there, but verbs are your burden's bear).

You'll also need to take the axe to cliches like "tried and true" or "a veritable god among writers."

Because your writing is somewhat conversational already, you have a lot of verbal "um"s to iron out. Examples include "Like Hamlet and many others..." Why were many others important then? Isn't it implied? Or when you use empty intensifiers and filler words like "important" and "interesting."

Look at LPH for: Empty Intensifiers (as in "Shakespeare truly understood..." or "...his action was definitely..." or "Honestly, I'm..."), Dangling Modifiers (as in "Being a poetry fanatic, Shakespeare's..."), Use of additional punctuation with quotation marks.

You're well on your way to a solid essay, Liz, and if you'd like to sit down and seriously tighten up some of these sentences, feel free to set up an appointment.

FROM RACHEL I like how you start off with almost a list of subtly implied ideas about why Shakespeare is a worthy role model. Also, your brief mention of immortality is an interesting theme that I felt deserved more attention. I think that if you add quotes all through the paper, it will be great. (Just as long as they really fit in and aren¿t too distracting.)

Cut:
Repetition of certain ideas confused me a little. For instance, you keep mentioning that Shakespeare¿s appeal comes from broadly understood ideas or universal human traits. I totally agree, and think it is a great point, but I felt like you stated it bluntly too often with too little variation.

Word Choice:
Your Sentence: Being a poetry fanatic, William Shakespeare¿s sonnets and poems also have a great allure to them.

Suggestion: William Shakespeare¿s poems have always allured me because of my love for poetry.

FROM BRAD Umm, don't you mean Ben Jonson?

You have a very nice introduction. It's snappy and also gives just about as much background as is needed to describe him as your hero.

I'd like to see you integrate the Ahimsa section a little bit more with Shakespeare (Jonson). Right now you just explain what Ahimsa is and then say that he understood it. I'm sure there are some really wonderful quotes that could be woven in there for a really neat effect.

As far as cutting, for me it only dragged during the paragraph starting with "Shakespeare is a veritable god among writers because..." I don't think some parts of it really fit with the theme of the paper. Also, while the David Powell part is interesting, I think if you cut it your paper would lose nothing.

Towards the end, your comparison between your feelings about life and writing and Jonson's are really great. I think that is what Bump had in mind when he assigned this paper.

I've always enjoyed your writing style and you've connected yourself to your role model well. With a few cuts (and calling your hero by his true name) this will be basically the best paper ever!

Correction:

I think combing these sentences makes it flow better:

They are usually about commonplace events or even nothing at all. These seemingly meaningless moments are then described with such detail, passion, and beauty that they turn in to a many-layered poem with brilliant depth of meaning.

Becomes:

While their subject matter is usually commonplace events, these seemingly meaningless moments are described with such detail, passion, and beauty that they turn into so much more.

FROM CHETNA It's entirely obvious that you started this paper well in advance, spending many painstaking hours editing and revising...hehehe. Needless to say, your paper is pretty solid in terms of readability and the points your bring up. You clearly state why Shakespeare is your role model and provide plenty of background/examples to support your assertions. Also your prose is clear and you directly say what you need to without getting caught up in trying to sound bombastic. Finally, I really appreciate/like how much you talk about Shakespeare¿s ability to connect with the human spirit, rather than merely discussing his writing. You successfully and eloquently connected prose, Ahimsa, and the sympathetic imagine.

You have clarity in your writing, but often you tended to get a bit too colloquial. At times it sounded like you were having a conversation with me, making for wordiness and unnecessary complication of sentences/thoughts. Like I said earlier, you have plenty of points to support your thesis, but they're not all connected. Right now I can;t really tell an apparent sense of organization and a lot of your paper feels fragmented and disjointed; if you add transitions (topic sentences/concluding sentences) to each paragraph and fully develop all of your points, this should be taken care of. On that same note, I feel like you bring up a lot of points but don't fully elaborate on all of them. I would suggest either cutting down or combining some (some points were repetitive) to help with a smooth flow throughout your paper. Oh and revise with a fine tooth comb for minor grammar stuff--no contractions!

Original: If you spend a few hours listening to Shakespeare¿s players bemoaning their fate an let yourself imagine what it feels like to be them, you think about the different stresses and pressures on them, and you are brought to a new level of awareness about what they are experiencing.

This sentence is ridiculously long! You can easily cut the length and wordiness by just saying what you want to say directly; right now it's a little windy.

Suggestion: Shakespeare¿s words are so powerful that any member of the audience can engage themselves in the sympathetic imagination and experience both the characters¿ burdens and celebrations in a play.

Solid foundation, revise and work on connecting.

FROM PRIANKA I like that you have experience in performing Shakespeare because it adds validity to what you are saying- that you have experienced this rush of emotion firsthand. I think you can cut the part at the end about his sonnets because it seems out of place and a little abrupt. Or, if you would like it to be an integral part of the paper then you should talk about it more and mention it sooner.

Yours: ¿Before it had seemed that this man and I were completely different, and I judged him.¿

I judged this man, believing us to be completely different.

FROM MAURO I liked your paper, mostly because shakespeare rules.

The section where you referenced your P1 felt a little forced and out of place. I know that Bump wants us to connect to our earlier papers, but i dont feel that yours was very appropriate. It seems a litte hard to believe that thats how you felt.

Alot of your sentences seem disconnected and somehow mechanical, probably due to having most of your sentences consist of a single clause. I would try putting some of them together in order to help your ideas flow.

"This is why one of the things I admire most about Shakespeare¿s work is its permanence. What better way to gain immortality than through writing?"

"Thus, one of the things I admire most about Shakespeare¿s work is its permanence; what better way to gain immortality than through writing?"

FROM MEGAN S Hey, I can honestly say I enjoyed reading your paper. I really enjoy your writing style and I think most of your ideas are there, you just need to tie them together a bit more!

-- As a reader, I really appreciated how clear your introduction was about the way your essay was going to be organized. This is not a major problem, but the way you phrased it in your thesis I was expecting you to discuss his skills as a writer first. It didn't matter that much, I was just a little confused when I started reading about how well he understood human nature instead!

-- The connection between Ahimsa and Shakespeare seems little weak to me at this point. I can see the relationship you're trying to draw between his understanding of humanity and how this could be considered a form of Ahimsa, but at this point it just feels like a Shakespeare-Ahimsa-Shakespeare sandwich, with Shakespeare only really in your topic and concluding sentences, if you know what I mean. I definitely think you have some room to elaborate and draw connections!

-- I found it really interesting the way you explain seeing characters beyond simple actions of good and evil and instead like people. It was a really elegant sentence, too.

-- At this point, I think your transitions are what I would work on the most. Right now they seem a little disparate and unconnected and smoothing them out a little will help strengthen your paper a lot.

-- Though your idea in the second to last paragraph is interesting, it seems a little tacked onto the end: I'd either cut it or elaborate on it.

Sentence Revision
Original:
Even though we were going to perform a play instead of into a battle, we felt a rush of energy and pride to be a "band of brothers."

Revision:
Even though we were about to charge onto the stage instead of onto the battlefield, we felt a rush of energy and pride to be a "band of brothers."

Overall, a good, solid paper!

FROM AMANDA I would say that you are well on your way to your goal of becoming a great writer!  I thought your paper was very well organized, and there was not a lot of wordiness to be found (you make our job hard!).  I appreciated your conciseness, and remained engaged throughout the entire paper!  Just a couple things I could find to comment on:

-In the paragraph that starts ¿Shakespeare is a veritable god¿¿ I noticed a few typos that weren¿t bad enough to use as correction sentences, so just read through and fix those up

-The one place I felt like the paper strayed from the original topic a bit was when you went into more detail about Ahimsa.  I love how you tied it back to Shakespeare and his talent for empathizing/connecting with the human soul, however I felt like there was a little too much detail given before this was all tied back in, so as I reader I felt a little confused; the part about Himsa, especially, struck me as not quite necessary to your argument.  If this is an important element, then I would just suggest relating it back to Shakespeare and/or your own writing/life sooner in the paper.

-Sentence: ¿By practicing Ahimsa, or non-injury, we work towards never thinking ill of others and working towards a feeling of complete unity with others.¿

There seems to be some verb disagreement with ¿we work towards¿ and ¿working towards¿

Revision: ¿By practicing Ahimsa, or non-injury, we strive to eliminate any negative thoughts towards others and to work towards a feeling of complete unity with others.¿

FROM MARY I really like your introduction. It¿s very clear and straightforward. I also enjoyed your point about Shakespeare being immortalized through his works. Also, great job relating back to Ahimsa and the Sympathetic imagination. For the most part, your sentences are short and to the point. I think this one is a little wordy¿you want to say a lot, but maybe you should take a little bit out.
Yours: If you spend a few hours listening to Shakespeare¿s players bemoaning their fate an let yourself imagine what it feels like to be them, you think about the different stresses and pressures on them, and you are brought to a new level of awareness about what they are experiencing
Revised: After watching Shakespeare¿s players, imagining their stresses and pressures, bemoaning their fates, you are brought to a new level of awareness of what they are experiencing.
All in all, this is a really great paper that incorporates so much we discussed in class.