Reviews of Others’ P4A

To Law

FOCUS 6

                Your first two paragraphs have been very focused, staying on the topic of yourself and then Campbell's hero. However, it's taking a little while to get into the actual "meat" of your paper. For the first paragraph really discussing your journey (6), I like how you offer two traits to replace what you plan on purging. This whole paragraph is focused on separating from bad habits. I also really like the paragraph about the Peace Corp, it ties in well with your arguments, but you should connect your closing sentence to how the Peace Corps helps you separate from what you know to encourage communication.

                Throughout yhour paper, your purpose is clear: to show how  Campbell's definition of a hero shapes your journey to gain compassion, duty, and patience, which will serve you well in your future.

ORGANIZATION 5

                The end of your first paragraph really sets up the organization of your paper well, saying it's going to be based on Campbell's definition and naming 3 traits. Paragraph 3 seems to also be setting up your paper, explaining what the three components of your journey are. This seems to be building logically on your previous paragraphs and makes sense in this order, setting us up for the following paragraph concerning your first component. Oh wait, the next paragraph isn't about your first component, it's another "explaining" or "setting up" paragraph, like the last 3. Is this really necessary? I think it would be much, much stronger to elaborate on how your personal journey differs from Campbell's in the actual paragraphs describing the three steps, rather than throwing in another paragraph of exposition. We are ready to ready about your journey! However, the things said in this paragraph are very clear and well written. The same thing goes for the next mini-paragraph about time frames.

                In paragraph 8, you say you're going to talk about the three traits you desire. I feel like you could spend more time discussing compassion. In the next paragraph, I was confused about what you were talking about. I know you want to show how compassion leads you to duty, so you should say this in your topic sentence to be more clear. You do this  very well in the paragraph about patience.

                Good conclusion! After showing the steps of your transformation, you look to the future as well as connecting to your past journey.

FLOW 5

                I think you could make your intro a little more attention catching. The first sentence is good, but the second part of it is awkward. The phrase "many other manifestations found in society" is especcially strange. The sentence could be better if it were "I am a student, a son, a brother, a friend, and many other personas depending on the time and place." The opnening sentence of your second paragraph is also problematic. Try "Joseph Campbell's hero is not restricted to people who perform lifesaving deeds on a daily basis. It is much more realistic and unexpected..." In paragraph 3, look over your use of the word "literal," that sentence needs to be reworded. However, the second half of this paragraph seems a little out of place. I'm not sure you really need the disclaimer about being "more realistic" than Campbell, it's a little obvious. I think throwing in the part about the 3 steps with the previous paragraph would lead better into your actual discussion.

                Your 6th paragraph experiences a stop in flow when you state "Two major habits are apathy and laziness." Alright, this statement is fair. But what about them? Are they YOUR habits? Are they pervasive in the world? Are they bad? Are they good? All you have told us is that THEY ARE HABITS. After revising this sentence, I suggest talking about why apathy and laziness are bad, and then discussing the effect it will have on your leadership after that, which connects the topics better. The 7th paragraph also has a little trouble opening. Revise your topic sentence to be more concise, you are repeating yourself a little bit.

                Your paragraphs about compassion, duty, and patience all flow very well and seem to rise from one another. Good job. I suggest doing a quick proof-read of paragraph 11, you have some awkwardness errors with "steadier and capable," "able to patiently listen," and the fact that you say "drug trafficker" =). On the whole, good conclusion - you connect to your previous paragraphs well.

To Eric

FOCUS: 4

                The beginning of your paper is great. You spend a paragraph talking about your own beliefs to build a foundation for the paper. You then describe your history with service and your plan for the future: follow in Bill Gates' footsteps in helping end the rich-poor gap. Your third paragraph isn't as focused as the first two. Because the only structure you've given your paper is exercising compassion a la Bill Gates, you don't have too much to go on. Therefore, try to make all your paragraphs relate back to this thesis - relating your history of school choice doesn't really add anything to your argument.

                Paragraph 4 turns into a rehash of your role model paper, just talking about why Gates is great. Instead, you should say more about how you plan on being like Gates! Looking at the things Sword says for focus, I pick up on a lot of things you could work on. You should refine your thesis into a clear purpose that's easy to write about. Since your paper is mostly just about wanting to use your education to help people, it's a little tough to find one focus to stick with. You should certainly cite a lot more literature, since you didn't cite any - this would help bring your argument down from theoretical rhetoric and into real examples. Towards the end of the paper, you kept going back and forth between "making choices" and "helping others" - you should integrate these two things better or pick one to focus on to make your paper more clear.

ORGANIZATION: 5

                Just a picky note, epigraphs are usually made smaller and more compact than the regular text so they aren't confusing. But I know Word sucks to format, so whatever. Ok, you definitely have an attention-getting intro! I love that you included your own very strong opinions, letting your reader know where you stand and what you're starting from. Paragraph 3 doesn't fit as well with the first two. It's a little hard to see how this paragraph follows logically from 1 and 2. Ok, I understand how paragraph 4 connects to paragraph 3 and your love of Bill Gates, but you should give usmore context on what the projects were and what  you learned from them.

                You should really sit down and look at your paper, deciding what each paragraph says, and determine the most logical order it should come in. In 5 you talk about leaving a legacy of service, then 6 goes backward to how you will use your education to get to the point where you can leave a legacy. Couldn't 6 come before 5, so that it would be after the paragraphs where you talk about BHP and Plan II? And then the part about leaving your legacy could follow.

                Did you notice that your last three paragraps all say the same thing? All of them talk about making choices, education, hope for the future, a slow fight, helping the world, and your legacy. Instead of three paragraphs on all of them, why not work these arguments back into the body of your paper? Put the comments about education and degrees with the things about school, etc. I think a more fitting conclusion would be something about how you are inspired every day by humanity, especially Bill Gates, and how your choices will help better the world.

FLOW: 4

                Good intro. In paragraph 2, you sentence about "From hearing my mother's (add that apostrophe!) childhood..." doesn't fit. You cite two exmaples of things in your past thta shaped your desire, and then you say you hope to dedicate your life to helping others? It should be "From the time I was small and heard my mother's stories about ... to the time I worked with the less fortunate to build a Habitat for Humanity house, I have always wanted to dedicate my life to ..." or something to that effect. It will make the sentence more logical. At the end of this paragraph, I think you should switch the last two sentences in some way; "I hope to continue in Bill Gates' footsteps..." is much stronger and is your thesis, so it should be after the less important statement of why he is your role model.

                The transistion from your second paragraph to your third might earn you an inverted V by the side of your paper! Watch for transitions and connect your paragraphs back to front. You just talked about Bill Gates, so now you can talk about how Bill Gates' businessman-ship really helped him in his service, and then connect to yourself and your business goals.

                In the third paragraph, you should watch for statements like "However, in retrospect, I realize that I lacked the maturity to recognize the importance of developing life goals..." What does this have to do with the part before it? You should connect this statement with the fact that you were solely focused on becoming a businessman but, because of Bump's class, you realized you really want to be a compassionate person. You could also condense the first few sentences of this paragraph to simply stating that you chose UT because of it's amazing business program, which would help you on your path to success, but then it was your other amazing honors program which helped you to realize that you want to be compassionate.

                Paragraph 4: connect to the end of paragraph three - give us some context on what the hell project 2 is. I don't even remember what project 2 was! Also, you should really add quotes instead of putting [DASS QUOTE] or [QUOTE FROM CAMPBELL] - that sort of destroys the paper AND the flow.

                You really need to work on connecting your sentences back to front. Paragraph 5 starts out talking about making our own choices, where previously you were talking about combating poverty. We are lost!! You used the word "peruse" instead of "pursue". You definitely need to proof-read this paragraph, there are a lot of typos that Word didn't pick up on, such as "individuals choose to easier route". This paragraph has some problems with flow. You seem to be repeating yourself a lot, and the statements don't really connect to each other. You say you want to rid the world of poverty, then say it's impossible to do in your lifetime, then that you want to lead others, then state that leadership is a crucial part of creating a legacy. What?? When did you start talking about a legacy? You should mention before your hypothetical quote that because it is impossible to completely eradicate poverty in your lifetime, you not only want to dedicate your life to it but you also want to leave a legacy for others will follow in your path. Then, you can mention that you are humble, but tie it in better. However, your ending phrase in this paragraph is GREAT! It's inspiring and captures your message.

                Again, you have a problem with connecting your paragraphs. Paragraph 6 starts out about your purpose at UT - what happened to leaving a legacy? You need to work on the flow and transitions of your paper. The last few paragraphs flow nicely as a series of personal statements, but don't seem very connected to each other or to your topic. For example, in paragraph 7 you go from talking about "I will begin to change the world, one person at a time" to "a society that lives off instant gratification". You could connect these sentences by starting off with how your fight will be a slow one, since you're starting one person at a time, but you hope to inspire people to join you in speeding up the process. Also, leave out the cheesy "proverbial foot in the door" phrases, as they sort of distract the reader.

                All in all, your paper would be helped by forming a very strong thesis and going through to make sure every paragraph is conencted to this thesis. Also, since you are sort of making a plan, it would be easier if you ordered your paragraphs chronologically, first talking about school, then your immediate future, then the legacy you want to leave. I think the important stuff is all in there and very well written, your organization could just be improved to make it even better!

To Mary

FOCUS:

                From what I can tell, your thesis statement is " I have found my original vision of the world around me has led me to develop a passion for creativity and a desire to share my world view in an artistic way." THe first thing that I think can help your paper is to clarify this thesis statement. Adam's handouts tell us to "don't write something you wouldn't say, but don't write anything you would say," which sound confusing, but really just means this sentence sounds very falsely academic - it's not something you'd ever say in reality. Instead, why not clarify it to be "My experiences with the world have led me to develop a passion for creativity and a desire to express my world view in an artistic way." Then, I'd restructure your paragraph a bit to fit this thesis better, because your whole paragraph is talking about choices and bettering the world, and then you just start talking about your passion. I'm not quite sure how you're trying to connect these things, so maybe a sentence or two to make it more clear would help.

                In the 3rd paragraph, the one about Gaudi, you list all these traits that he embodied, but you could connect more to why he inspires you personally or to how he positively impacted the world through his art to make the paragraph refer back to the thesis more - this would be better than just the sentence at the end that you have about hoping to find a way to do what Gaudi did.

                You did a great job of keeping each paragraph about one thing, except for paragraph 5. 5 is more of a discussion of virtue and compassion and lots of things, so I think this is okay and works in the context of the paper. Your conclusion connects perfectly back to your introduction and thesis, so nice work! I gave you a 7, because though your thesis was worded a little strangely, I still understood what you meant, and every paragraph really connected back to it (especially the conclusion).

ORGANIZATION:

                Since your third paragraph is all about Gaudi, why not introduce Gaudi in the topic sentence?

                ARound your 5th paragraph, the paper seems a little out of joint. So far you've talked about things like your actions determining whether you are good or evil, your need to be creative and your need to make the world a better place through creativity, and Gaudi as your inspiration because of his faith. In your 5th paragraph, you go to a discussion of faith, imagination, compassion, connection, virtue, selflessness, unity, egos, and enlightenment. All of this is awesome writing, and your arguments follow a logical path, but then after this paragraph you jump back into why you need to create art to find happiness in your life. Especially with your Silverman quote at the end of paragraph 6, I feel like this paragraph could come before your discussion of Gaudi. Then you could connect this compassion to being able to connect with people and having faith, and use your 5th paragraph and Gaudi there. Then, you could connect Gaudi's abillity to connect with people to print media as the most powerful tool to reach out to people, but also a challenging art form that requires an understanding of your audience. This could keep the theme/thesis of your paper that each paragraph should refer to connecting to others.

                I think your concluding paragraph is excellent, it follows your last paragraph well, connects back to all of your main points. I think the only thing you could do to improve it is to incorporate your passion to create more, but even then I don't think it's that necessary; I ilke it as it is. I gave this a 5 because I think your organization was the weakest part of your paper - you could definitely work on connecting paragraphs back to front and putting them in a logical order. Sometimes, it just takes stepping back and looking at what you said in each paragraph and rearranging after you're done. However, your arrangement did work logically and did have some good transition.

FLOW:

                The first thing I see in your paper is that the style of your language is soemtimes awkward and off-putting. I think you're writing in a very academic tone, with sentences such as "Thus it is the way we live our lives, the choices we make, the selfish desires we either pursue or repress, that lead us to be stamped with the label of "good" or "evil"." This sentence is really convoluted as well, and it just makes it hard to understand your point. It's possible to write clear prose without sounding informal, so I'd try to go back through all your sentences and saying them out loud. This really helps me to figure out which sentences are really weird (because I have this problem too) and then I just keep rewording them out loud until I find something that sounds natural and will improve your flow.

                Your second paragraph ends with your desire to express your world view, and then the third paragraph begins with "I currently struggle in finding how to leave my legacy behind." What?? It would be more clear to the reader what direction you are taking the paper if you connect  your paragraphs from back to front. In this instance, you could start your paragraph with something about how art is your passion, but you aren't sure how to leave a positive impact on the world through art. You should then segue into Gaudi, instead of just saying "Gaudi is an inspiration to me" out of nowhere. You could introduce it by saying "One artistic figure who impacted his world was Antonio Gaudi, an inspiration to artists everywhere" or something like this. Just making your sentences connect to the one before and the one after would greatly improve the flow. Like I said before, your third paragraph would flow better if you worked yourself in more than just at the end.

                In your 5th paragraph, you said "This will help me become a more imaginary person..." and i think you meant "imaginative," as you are most definitely real. =) This paragraph discuss many things, but connects them all to lead to a conclusion, so I think it's well done. Your last three paragraphs after this talk about the world and the way you will connect to it (art) very well and very eloquently. The flow in these paragraphs works very well. Overall, you paper is an interesting look at how you plan to better yourself and the world by learning to connect and connecting through art. Good job! I gave you a 6 because even though some of the language was a little dense, I thought most of the thoughts flowed really well.

To Trevor

FOCUS: 5

                The first half of your paper is very powerful and engrossing, with very eloquent phrases within. However, it's very long, so it takes half of a paper to get to the actual thesis answering the prompt. I suugest cutting down the "Why I care" part to your intro paragraph. You could start out with something like "I care because..." and go from there. Another option is to combine the two parts (see below).

                For the second part of your paper, you launch an elaborate description of what should be done, including things in the works and calls to action on other topics. However, when do you ever mention how YOU are going to help, except in the last paragraph when you state "By being a part of the numerous efforts to spread knowledge and understanding in order to help demolish societies disapproval of homosexuality, I plan to help make the world a better and fairer place..." The first part of your paper is VERY focused on you, and the second part is VERY focused on everyone else. Because of this divide, I think it would really help to bring the two sections together. I'll give suggestions for how to integrate the two parts in the organization section below.

                I notice that your paper rather lacks a thesis. I think this is also caused by the division of parts. By combining the two, you can integrate yourself into your thesis, instead of just starting to name what should be done. I gave you a 5 because you only had one quote, I think more quotes would have helped your argument. Also, you had a good thesis but didn't really state it until the end, though your paper adressed it.

ORGANIZATION: 6

                The fact that you divide your paper into "WHY I CARE" and "What I Can Do" makes your organization very, very clear. Apart from that, it seems that your paragraphs follow from each other well. However, since your second section doesn't have its own thesis or topic sentence, the discussion seems to just flow around at random. I know there are a lot of different sides to helping the issue, but this part lacks a little coherence. One way to keep it from feeling like you jump from issue to issue is to combine your anecdote with your call to action. After discussing how people made fun of you by calling you "gay", you could talk about how PSAs, sex education, and informative campaigns can enlighten others about why being gay isn't wrong. When you talk about your parents confronting you and the pressure to lie, you can talk about the laws preventing marriage and how that creates a social stigma (especially with parents who hope for grandchildren) and the importance of raising kids in an open environment.

                The way your paper is now, after a touching part 1, you jump directly into "Immediate action must be taken to give individuals legal protection..." There's nothing connecting these two parts at all! I understand the rest, that each paragraph deals with a different issue of being gay and how policy and education can help prevent it. So maybe you could have an intro paragraph for this part that says something about a combination of education and policy are the answers to making gay life better, and furthermore, how you are going to help these things come about? I gave you a 6 because your arrangement is definitely effective, but it could be more sophisticated and meaningful.

FLOW: 5

                Because your paper involves a lot of narrative, the beginning flows very well. The second part is also decently constructed to flow, except it would be best to incorporate yourself into the arguments more. On their own, they are very well written and easy to follow, with good rhetoric. However, the division of your paper into two large parts (obviously) stops the flow short. It makes it seem more as if you are talking about you, then you talk about policy, and the two things aren't related. Because this is a personal leadership vision, it would be much more effective to combine the two so that your arguments could flow from your grievances, as I said above. You could show your story, and show how different parts of your life could be improved by legislation and education. You could also look to the future and show more specifically how you want to use your own experiences and education to bring about change for the gay community. All in all, a well-written and persuasive start to a great paper. You can only improve from here! I gave you a 5 because the two parts flowed very well separately, but the second part was less connected than the first and they didn't flow together. I think my comments will help some with that, though!