P3 Critiques by Mary Dauterman

1. Alex

Frank Warren is a very original subject for your paper, someone I don’t think of when I consider modern-day heroes. But he is a perfect example of a compassionate spirit and his PostSecret project fits really well with what we’ve been talking about in class. Your paper flows very clearly and was fun to read. Your sentences are consise, so don’t worry about wordiness. You had some really great quotes from Warren and outside sources that addressed this theme of compassion. I especially liked your emphasis on the “spark of humanity” that can be found in these messages. You tied the paper together well with you own personal ambitions. I really don’t have any complaints here, but seeing more examples from PostSecret would be fun.

Sentence revision:

Yours: His small project that began in November of 2004 finds him today with his blog currently ranked 11 out of a top 100 of all of the blogs that exist online, in the process of publishing and distributing his third book, and receiving thousands of pieces of mail from people across the country on a weekly basis.

Revised: Warren began his small project in November 2004; currently, his blog is ranked 11 out of all the blogs that exist online, he is in the process of publishing and distributing his third book, and he still receives thousands of pieces of mail on a weekly basis.

(This sentence was a little long—I felt like there was too much information packed into one space)

Yours: This kind of pathos is was draws me to PostSecret, personally.

Revised: Personally, this kind of pathos is what draws me to PostSecret.

(Minor detail—I just think this sounds a little less awkward)

2. Garrison

Before reading your paper, I didn’t really know anything about Dave Matthew’s life or background. Growing up as a Quaker and in South Africa would definitely have an impact on a person’s life—in Matthew’s case, this experience was a source of compassion and as you said, “soul power.” Your writing is straightforward and not too wordy. There is some awkward phrasing you might want to revise. Also, your paper is a bit long—you cram a lot of autobiographical information into this paper. While helpful, we may not need quite this much.

Sentence revision:

Yours: He is an inspiration to me not only due to his powerful lyrics, but because he is a dream-chaser who successfully pursued his ambitions and passions.

Revised: He is an inspiration because of his powerful lyrics, but more importantly, because of success in pursuing his ambitions, passions, and dreams.

Yours: Obscure imagery, by “wedding word with image,”¹⁹ makes the mind understand the concept better by connecting the two hemispheres of the brain.

Revised: Obscure imagery, by “wedding the word with images,” helps the listener understand Matthew’s meaning by connecting the two hemispheres of the brain.

Yours: Many of the songs are beautiful rants about the love he has for his wife.

(I’m not sure “rants’ is a good word here…maybe outbursts? Rant sounds negative, like he hates his wife)

3. Eric

You did a great job of making this paper personal. While you focused on Gates and clearly explained why he was your role model, you let the reader know more about you and how you aspire to do some of the noble things Gates does. One problem you have is UNITY. The paragraph that starts out “Gates founded the William H. Gates Foundation in 1994…” isn’t really linked to what comes before it. Try adding some transition sentences. Also, do you need footnotes for where you’re getting all these numbers about the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Overall, a unique topic for your paper and an interesting read.

Sentence revision:

Yours: In my passion paper, I discussed in great detail my passion for compassion and mentioned that I want to be a philanthropist.

Revision: I have discovered through my passion for compassion that I hope to become a philanthropist.

(I don’t think you necessarily need to reference your past paper. It makes this seem too informal)

Yours: In this regard, Bill Gates and his foundation understand this concept of unity that Dass writes about in his book, “Our service is less a function of personal motive and more an expression of spontaneous, appropriate caring. We’re not so much helping out, then because it’s ‘me’ needing to tend to ‘you.’ We’re helping out because it’s ‘Us.’”

Revision: In this regard, Bill Gates and his foundation understand this concept of unity that Dass describes in How Can I Help? Dass says, “Our service is less a function of personal motive and more an expression of spontaneous, appropriate caring. We’re not so much helping out, then because it’s ‘me’ needing to tend to ‘you.’ We’re helping out because it’s ‘Us.’” (integrate the quote more somehow)

4. Ashley

I really enjoyed reading your paper. You definitely did your research and presented us with some interesting background and historical information. I was especially interested in how Harrison used Hinduism as an inspiration; this definitely relates to our field trip to Barana Daam and Harrison’s deep spirituality is certainly heroic. Your paper was easy to read because it was chronological and biographical, yet you managed to reference back to the theme of heroism. Great unity! I think you could improve your paper but cutting wordiness, especially in your introduction.

Sentence Revision:

Yours: To utilize one’s gifts for the greater good and actively pursue spiritual rather than material fulfillment, for me, defines a true leader and role model.

Revised: A rue leader and role model shows heroism through utilizing his or her gifts for the greater good, through pursuing spiritual rather than material fulfillment.

(you try to say a lot in this sentence, but I think you can simplify it and make it easier to read by rearranging it a little)

5. Law

You used great examples and kept your paper interesting—it was a fun read. Theodore Roosevelt accomplished many heroic things, from protecting the environment to keeping the business world from becoming corrupted. I really enjoyed reading your quotes from Roosevelt; they made me realize he really does fit the “hero criteria” we talked about in Discussion. You also did something interesting by comparing and contrasting Roosevelt and Gawain. My advice is to rework some of your sentences so they sound more polished before you turn in your next draft.

Sentence Revision:

Yours: Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. [1]

-Theodore Roosevelt

This proverb by Theodore Roosevelt has been in my mind ever since I heard it. In fact, it is still used today as a personal guideline to abide by whenever I am met with a difficult situation or problem.

Revised: Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.” I see this quote as a proverb, and still reference it today whenever I am met with a difficult situation or problem.

(I think you can clarify this whole section by making the quote a part of your paper. Putting it outside almost makes it look like part of the title)

6. Megan S

Your paper was an interesting read—it seems Goethe was lucky enough to do anything he wanted with his life. He is noble in that he followed this ideal and was constantly bettering himself through education. I like how you set up your paper to explain why you think the “Renaissance Man” is a hero—because he is an inspiration. You refer back to yourself quite a bit, but maybe sometimes unnecessarily so. Eliminating some of this would tighten your paper. For example:

Another of the characteristics that I admire most in Goethe, and that I wish I had more of myself, is his constant supply of creativity

Could just be: Another of the characteristics that I admire most in Goethe is his constant supply of creativity. (This breaks down the sentence a little)

I really enjoyed your conclusion talking about your life goals. It was a good explanation of how and why Goethe is your hero and also refers back to your P2. This will also help you with our next project.

Sentence revision:

Goethe was constantly interested in the world around him and strove to understand it from the very different perspectives of science, literature, and art work

Revision: minor detail—I think you could just say “art” instead of “art work” and get the same idea across.

7. Pallavi

I really enjoyed learning more about Oprah from your paper. I really knew nothing about her childhood before reading this. Your paper has tons of information and really convinced me Oprah is a true hero though all she has done and achieved. I do think some of your sentences are a little wordy. Maybe break them down with semicolons or separate sentences. I also advise rearranging your sentences and making sure every word in them is necessary. I also think you may have left some commas out. (I guess it’s debatable if you need commas after ands, but the green grammar line shows up on my computer). For example: “…her cousin, uncle, and a family friend”

Also, you talk briefly about Oprah’s childhood in the beginning of your paper, then go back to it after talking about the Oprah Winfrey foundation. I think your paper would flow better if you group all of this together.

Sentence revision:

Yours: “She had a dream as young child from the days she played with her dolls on her make believe talk show and made certain that this became a reality”

Revised: As a child, she played with her dolls, dreaming of having her own talk show. Oprah made certain this would one day be reality.

8. Liz

I really like your introduction. It’s very clear and straightforward. I also enjoyed your point about Shakespeare being immortalized through his works. Also, great job relating back to Ahimsa and the Sympathetic imagination. For the most part, your sentences are short and to the point. I think this one is a little wordy—you want to say a lot, but maybe you should take a little bit out.

Yours: If you spend a few hours listening to Shakespeare’s players bemoaning their fate an let yourself imagine what it feels like to be them, you think about the different stresses and pressures on them, and you are brought to a new level of awareness about what they are experiencing

Revised: After watching Shakespeare’s players, imagining their stresses and pressures, bemoaning their fates, you are brought to a new level of awareness of what they are experiencing.

All in all, this is a really great paper that incorporates so much we discussed in class.

9. Mauro

This paper was extremely informative and made me realize Malcolm X does fulfill what it means to be a hero. As you said, he “overcame obstacle after obstacle for the bettering of the human race.” He had to reevaluate his beliefs and admit he was wrong. Your sentences are well structured and everything flows well. Minor problem: I’m not sure if you’re supposed to spell out years, like you did in the following sentence:

“Malcolm X was assassinated on the twenty-first of February, nineteen-sixty-five.” (shouldn’t that just be 1965?)

I liked your last paragraph, but maybe you should talk about Malcom X’s changing names throughout your paper rather than putting this all in one place.