https://webspace.utexas.edu/ms8246/WorldLit/P4A/P4A.htm?uniq=-4w1bmz

I. (Megan S)

Focus: After your anecdote about Stranger Than Fiction and how it helped you realize the purpose in your life, I definitely picked up the fact that the focus of your paper was the pursuit of knowledge. I perceived your thesis to be that your goal in life is to learn to your full potential while at the same time remaining true to yourself and caring towards others. When I was reading your paper, I was unsure whether the entirety would be about the pursuit of knowledge or if you would relate anything else to this topic. You did end up talking about the search for identity and becoming a more giving individual. I feel like you could re-emphasize your focus in these parts of the paper to unify it a bit more. Your quotes added a lot to your paper. (Good)

Organization: I thought the organization of your paper was very strong. After talking about Stranger Than Fiction, which I thought was an original introduction, you touched on what we have been talking about in class and pulled this all together into a few statements about how this relates to your life. You then went on to talk about your three topics: the pursuit of knowledge, the search for identity, and to be compassionate/help others. All of your paragraphs had transition sentences and your conclusion mentioned these three topics again. Everything followed logically and you integrated several important topics—evolution and class discussion, and your previous papers. I think your conclusion could be strengthened, especially your last sentence. You build it up nicely, but you need to do a little more than simply restate your thesis. (Very Good)

Flow: I think your thoughts flow very clearly and logically in this paper. However, I think you could cut down some of your sentences and use more direct language to guide the reader through this thought process. I felt your section on the pursuit of knowledge was a little repetitive. You could shorten it, then put a few of these points in your later paragraphs to relate the search for self and the search for compassion with the search for knowledge. This way, you would fuse all three areas. Great flow organizationally, just work on the sentences themselves! (Good)

II. (Alex) https://webspace.utexas.edu/arf365/03%2029%20P4A/03%2029%20P4A.htm?uniq=oypxxv

Focus: I don’t know if I could clearly state your thesis after reading your paper. I know your goal is to be compassionate and help others in some way, and that you once thought the best way to achieve this would be through a medical career. Now you seek to find yourself before you can connect others, like your hero Frank Warren. Thus, it seems the focus of your paper is to find yourself and meaning in your own life. You do say this towards the end of your first paragraph, but it is still a little nebulous. Well integrated quotes and very strong conclusion. (Good)

Organization: You started off your paper broadly, describing what it is all humans seek and eventually coming to the conclusion that we all seek meaning in our lives. The rest of your paper flows logically from this and is pretty clearly laid out—who your hero is and why shape what your perceptions are. Your paragraph breaks make sense, but I feel like you have a lot of shorter paragraphs rather than a few large ones, which is something I expected to see. I might suggest combining a few of these short paragraphs so your paper is chunked together more. Overall, this paper was an enjoyable read and everything was tied together nicely. (Very good)

Flow: I think the flow in your paper was the strongest area. Everything is linked together logically and the paper was fun to read. I think all of your sentences were very clear. Nothing seemed repetitive. Your introduction and conclusion were very effective and tied the whole piece together. Great pictures and quotes! (Excellent)

III. Integrity Through Individualism

Focus: I think you tried to tackle a lot with this paper. It seems divided into halves: generalization about the human race, and your own personal vision for your life. While you definitely relate the two, you don’t mention this personal life view until halfway through your paper, which made it hard to pinpoint your thesis or your main idea as I was reading. I eventually found the thesis I was looking for about halfway through: your goal in life is to keep questioning and shaping your personal ideology, taking into account every idea you come across. Your journey is a search for truth. I think you could integrate this earlier on in your paper so we can see this and your human nature argument side-by-side. Great quotes and fantastic conclusion—just make the first half of your paper more personal. (Good)

Organization: Again, I noticed a definite split in your paper between human nature as a whole and your personal goals. Your transition between the two was logical, but I found myself searching for you to mention yourself, or at least use the words “I” and “my” long before you actually did. You mention the struggle between love and fear pretty early on in your paper. Perhaps bring in your personal view/life purpose there and use your analysis of human nature to back up your personal views as you walk us through them. I think this would personalize your paper more and increase the readability. There is nothing particularly wrong with your organization as it is, but I would like to see you add more personal views earlier on. (Good)

Flow: Your paper is very logically laid out and I enjoyed your introduction and conclusion. However, I do think you could use more direct language—at times, it is difficult to strip down to the base meaning of your sentences. In terms of idea flow, I can definitely tell everything is connected with this theme of love. You did a very good job here as this is mentioned in almost every paragraph. You also did a great job of relating back to class discussions and integrating quotes. I know I had a hard time finding quotes for this assignment, but yours all blend in effortlessly. Overall, nice flow but simplify sentences to make your ideas easier to digest. (Very Good)

IV. Enough

Focus:

I think the core purpose/thesis of your paper was to emphasize the importance of finding self and bettering self as a goal for your life. I especially like how you put it: keeping an open heart with a virtuous core. All of your quotes are very insightful and you use them as more than just backup for your points; you state them, then explain them further. (Excellent)

Organization:

Your intro was great because you pointed out something we all notice—the tower—then use it to describe how you are still searching for an identity, which is something we all struggle with. You really draw the reader in at this point. Next, you immediately mention your thesis/purpose and go on to describe the kind of person you want to become. You mention service and compassion as pathways to a successful and meaningful life. While you gave a general overview of characteristics and goals, you did give a list of specific career paths. Both aspects added to your paper. Overall, your organization was logical and ideas stemmed off one another; everything was connected well. You had great quotes, both from class and outside. I love your intro and your title made me curious to read this paper. Great conclusion as well. Overall, very inspiring! (very Good)

Flow: I think your paper was strong specifically because of its great flow and readability. Your writing style here is very personal and conversational, which makes your ideas easy to follow. I did not feel alienated as a reader, but rather drawn in. Your paper was interesting and inspiring all the way through. I don’t have many suggestions here—great job! (excellent)

V. (Rachel) http://worldlit2ndsemester.googlepages.com/p4a:leadershipvision

Focus: I think you did a great job of emphasizing the goal of leadership in your life. You were also able to successfully integrate several other goals reflecting different aspects of your character. I think your main emphasis was to be a silent leader and able to share yourself with others. Following this main goal was a goal to fill yourself with raw emotions (linking back to your passion paper) and to achieve balance throughout your life. You gave a few specifics in your introduction, all of which (I think) you mentioned later in your body paragraphs. You were very thorough in this regard. Also, everything related back to being a leader. This was a very effective paper, with every part adding and relating to the piece as a whole. (Excellent)

Organization: WOW! What a great way to organize your paper! You integrated every idea into the anatomy of the human face—a very original concept. Your introduction really brought the Dickens quote into consideration by illustrating how you plan to “write” your life. I was very impressed by all the links to different parts of your paper. In each section, you defined why the particular anatomy was relevant, then defined a goal for your life relating to it. In the mouth section, you talked about the importance of communication with others and stated that you wanted to develop conversational skills. In the ears/nose section, you talked about processing your surroundings internally, with your goal to become a more perceptive individual. In the hair section, you discussed the importance of the little things in life and how your goal was to find a balance in your life. Your last section about the eyes further emphasized a connection with others and their perceptions. As a whole, your paper subtly linked back to your passion paper on emotions. Well done! Also, your conclusion was short but it did, in effect, end with a bang. (Excellent)

Flow: Your writing style is very clear and easy to follow. Great job with word choice and making sure every sentence has meaning. Because of all the links you added to your paper, I think everything flows very well. All of your ideas go back to the Picasso painting. However, if you were to put this together in a more traditional way (a printed document), I think the flow would be lost. For this reason, it might be a good idea to add clear transitions between your sections—at least something hinting at what is coming next. In the mouth section, I think there was a loss of cohesiveness between your mouth paragraph and your laughter paragraph—you need some transition between the two. Besides structural flow, your information flow was fantastic. Great quote integration. You mentioned several characteristics in your introduction, all of which were discussed with more depth in your body paragraphs and again emphasized in your conclusion. So, my only suggestion is to add more transition between sections. Other than that, great paper—I really enjoyed exploring it!

(very good)