Ilovemooseboy: https://webspace.utexas.edu/ms8246/WorldLit/P4A/P4B.htm?uniq=-ymgv0d
I like your intro about change and becoming who you want to
be. Your thesis is clear, but it seems like you made Stranger Than Fiction part of your thesis. Though this is an important
example in your paper, I donÕt know if it is thesis-worthy. You talk about the
movie in your 2nd paragraph, then move on to talk about mortality.
It seems here that this discussion is finished, but you start talking about Stranger
Than Fiction again in your next paragraph.
Perhaps you could do all of your Stranger Than Fiction discussion in one paragraph, then how it relates to
you as a 2nd paragraph?
I think the true focus of your paper is about your search for self, your
passion for knowledge, ect. I really like your paragraph on finding identity.
Your writing in this section is great, I think you just need to put more
emphasis on this section. (5)
Your organization is logical. Your intro sets up the ideas
behind your paper well and flows into your discussion of Stranger Than
Fiction. Like I said, I think you may
discuss the movie a little too much and you might want to condense these two paragraphs.
You also might want to connect your helping/compassion essay to how this will
help you find your identity ect. (6)
Overall, the paper flows nicely. Again, the Stranger Than Fiction discussion flows in and out of those 2nd two paragraphs, so unify this. All of your following essays are well connected. You have strong transition sentences and a clear writing style. (6)
Cadence (alex): https://webspace.utexas.edu/arf365/04%2017%20P4B/04%2017%20P4B.htm?uniq=-95zmn4
I think you are trying to say that your compassion for others is your passion/leadership vision. I donÕt know if you flat-out say this, but that might be helpful in determining your thesis. I took this sentence to be your thesis:
ÒMy perception of the world – my Weltanschauung – leads me to believe that particularly
poignant meanings that we seek out for ourselves are often more profound and
significant than the so-called truths that we are told, so I seek meaning in
everything I do and am: in aspirations, in dreams, in life, in relationships,
and yes, even in truth.Ó
This is a pretty long sentence. Maybe you should break it
into two, with the second sentence simply starting ÒSo I seek meaningÉÓ I think
the 2nd sentence would still convey your thesis well.
Compared to the rest of the papers
I have read, yours includes your personal journey, search for meaning, ect
really well. IÕm glad youÕve included your quandaries about majors, medicine,
self-discovery, and career choice. However, at this point you did lose me a
little. It would help to remind the reader about your focus on compassion here.
Overall, your leadership vision is
pretty broad. ItÕs definitely a noble one though and you tell us a lot about
yourself and your many goals. (5)
I liked that throughout your paper, you had several broad observations about human nature. You prepared us for these observations with your introduction, which set up the focus for the rest of your paper really well. You also worked in Frank Warren/what he does/how he inspires you. The organization of your paper was also pretty chronological. At first, this was confusing (following your thought process/life view from high school to college), but as a whole, it makes sense. My only suggestion is to work in this idea of a search for truth into every paragraph if possible. This will help unify your ideas. (6)
The flow of your paper seems like it is stream of consciousness. Everything relates, but it has to be read as a whole to make total sense. This strengthens the unity of your ideas, but you might want to have clearer topic sentences for each paragraph. This would help the reader stop and recognize what point you are going to make next. Overall, everything connects well and this paper was an interesting/enlightening read. (6)
Lynn87: https://webspace.utexas.edu/alp653/P4.htm
I took this sentence to be your thesis:
By maintaining a habit of constant questioning, exploration,
and appreciation, I hope to live my life in pursuit of unified individualism,
thriving on the pure, natural love that is at once shared and personalized in
all sentient beings.
So it is clear you are going to be talking about
individualism and love. The only problem was finding where the division between
the two. You did a great job of integrating more personal experiences into this
draft. I see your focus more clearly now: finding the individual. Though in a
roundabout way, each paragraph links back to this theme. You could clarify
this, but I think your focus is fine as it is. (6)
Interesting/engaging introduction. You discuss human wants and needs very well, including love, success, approval, ect. I thought your entire analysis was very profound and enjoyed reading your thoughts. You even integrated discovery learning towards the end of you paper. Maybe you could actually say Òdiscovery learning.Ó My only suggestion would be to add clear, direct topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. The thoughts are connected, but we are not really introduced to them. (6)
Side Note: some of your pictures donÕt work!
You have a very academic tone, yet every word still has meaning. My only suggestion would be to possibly simplify your sentences, especially in the introduction. In terms of connectedness, everything works here. All of your thoughts are connected. Overall, well done. (6)
Serenity: https://webspace.utexas.edu/apj234/P4/P4B.htm?uniq=-95wako
I took this to be your thesis:
A specific leadership vision may begin to materialize in the
years to come, but for now I know that no matter what organizations I get
involved in or what job I take, if I am developing a "cultivated
mindÉguided and controlled by virtue," then I can work towards becoming a
successful leader in all of them - the hero of my own life. I can be enough.
It takes a while to get to your thesis (2 paragraphs). I do
think you purposefully build up to this though, so it works. Your emphasis on
the Ôcultivated mindÕ is also repeated throughout you paper. You either
directly or indirectly mention your thesis in every paragraph. Well done! (7)
You do a great job of starting out your paper by anchoring this search for self to various places on campus—the tower and Waller Creek. You also give us your thought process about what you want to be/what you want to accomplish within the first two paragraphs, which naturally flows into your answers to this question. You were able to tie in your role model paper, discovery learning, and quotes from our reading successfully. Eventually you end up mentioning a specific calling for yourself: teaching. So you give us both your broad goals and your specific goals for your life. Every paragraph is bookend-ed by a mini intro and conclusion. I really donÕt see anything to improve. (7)
Great transitions. All of the paragraphs are well connected. You also have a very clear voice, which helps the reader grasp what youÕre saying. The only thing that seemed kind of sudden was the paragraph where you start talking about how we define heroes and leaders; you could use a smoother transition here. ThatÕs really pretty picky/specific. Overall I think you paper is near perfect. Well done! (6)
My very own name!: http://worldlit2ndsemester.googlepages.com/p4a%3Aleadershipvision
Your thesis:
In order to gain that distinction in my life, I aspire to
become a silent leader - a quiet influence – develop lasting
relationships by sharing in the lives of others, appreciating the beauty of
life, valuing overlooked details, and finding balance.
I noticed how you talked more about the importance of
developing relationships in this draft. I think this does a good job of
unifying your paper because this can relate to every section. You also brought
up balance in the nose/ears, hair, and eyes sections. Could you also mention
this in the mouth section? Overall, your focus seems to be about connecting
with others and you accomplish this well. (6)
You kept your organization the same as your first draft and it is still effective. The interactive website really engages the reader well. You also prepare us for what to expect with your introduction/instructions. I really think your organization is near perfect and you have nothing to improve here. (7)
Your writing style is very clear and conversational. Your ears/nose section is especially vivid and poetic. I noticed you connected the 2 paragraphs in your mouth/laughter section well. As for transitions, your paper is pretty self explanatory. Since your paper is divided into sections, all you have to do is introduce what you are going to discuss. This is very effective. The reader has a break in between every section, so it is important to remind them what they are reading (i.e. intro sentences for every section). Keep this in mind when you are revising, but I think what you have now works well. Great job! (6)