It at first seemed contradictory to me how much of How Can I Help?, a book I assumed to be about helping others, emphasized the importance of the self. The individual seems at first so distant from dealing with the problem externally. Helping another person appears like such a completely external action, with all of the focus directed towards the person you are trying to help. The self seems almost removed from this context. However, Ram Dass points out that “to be of most service to others we must face our own doubts, needs, and resistances” (15). Our own confidence in ourselves can affect how well we can help others; ultimately, our abilities come down to who we are “to ourselves and to one another” (15).
Suddenly, one of the characteristics of a successful helper had changed from simply being a good listener or a trustworthy friend to understanding yourself, and being able to “practice compassion for ourselves” (Dass 83). To become better helpers then, we first need to become more comfortable in our own skin, to better understand and deal with our worries, fears, and self-consciousness before we can help others do the same.
Though Ram Dass’s explanations about the relation between the self and others, as well as the self and fear, it seemed to me that the idea of control permeated most of his discussions in one way or another. As humans, we need to feel like we have some sort of control over our environment. However, the definition of “control” in this case is a little slippery. It is not a dominating, authoritative, wielding power over another individual kind of control. Rather, it is more personal, and more like an internal balance instead of an external exertion of force. In this case, control seemed to be about feeling confident that we can successfully manage situations in which we find ourselves and about feeling safe in the environments we regularly find ourselves in.
When Ram Dass began discussing fear, he explained it as “the mind’s reaction against the inherent generosity of the heart” (58), which responds to the suffering of others. The mind fears this empathy because it lets in too much of other’s suffering, and threatens the mind with a “loss of control” (59). We’re afraid of letting in too much suffering and being overwhelmed by it, or of suffering too greatly ourselves through the process of helping others.
The struggle between the heart and the mind – how much suffering to let in?
Ram Dass’s solution to our self-preservation driven hesitation and fear of losing control that often prevents us from helping others is, simply, to help ourselves. If we can learn to control our fear of suffering, we can gradually feel like we are more in control and eventually become better helpers. And this process begins with simply acknowledging the way we are feeling. It seems strange to think that recognizing our own weaknesses and the the way that we’re feeling can help us feel more confident, but as Dass reminds, “we’re much likely to be there for someone who is wrestling with his or her own sense of weakness…to acknowledge our humanness, with its empathy and fear, strengthens our helping hand” (66). Surprisingly, by simply coming to terms with our own feelings and fear, we are much better able to help others.
