At the end of
high school, I thought I had a very good understanding of the person I was: a
well-rounded individual who was devoted to pursuing a little bit of everything
while still hoping to eventually end up with a career in Biology. After two
months, a few disappointments, several realizations, and an inspiration or two,
I’ve found myself at a very different place mentally. Of course, this was
only to be expected, given the numerous times I’d heard that I’d
discover a lot about myself in college. Yet somehow, I was still surprised by
how much and how quickly I’ve changed. Even if outwardly expected change,
I don’t know how convinced my inner self ever was. Perhaps I was
surprised because my previous understanding of my self had seemed to concrete and
so correct. But the change happened – math isn’t something I feel I
need to pursue extensively any more, the Bio major has been dropped, and
Psychology and Art History, two fields I would never have considered actually
majoring in before, are looking like more feasible alternatives – and I
feel much more at home in this self.
However, even
after all of these changes, some important things have remained the same. Most
importantly, I think, is my perception of what I imagined college would be
like. Much like Jude, I still
envision
college to be “a ‘beautiful city” calling humans to
perfection” (639). Upon arriving on campus and beginning my classes, I
didn’t immediately find this “beautiful city,” but, by
choosing classes that fit my interests more closely, developing a stronger
peer-group, and striving toward self-actualization, I hope to find it soon. A
love of learning is what keeps me searching for this place. Like the search for
my ideal college experience, it’s another thing that hasn’t changed
for me and that is an important, underlying motivation behind my pursuits.
Again like Jude, who sees in scholarship a “spirituality…[a] paradise of the learned” (638-639),
learning and education is a sort of spirituality for me – it’s
where I find much of the meaning in my life and it is what motivates most of my
actions. Though I’ve changed quite a bit, my expectations of college and
the forces that motivate me have remained the same.
