Responses to Others’ Papers
1. Garrison –
First of all, I was really impressed that you managed to write such a solid paper about a song writer! I was a little skeptical of Dave Matthews as a role model at first, but you did a nice job of making him credible.
Like my peers have said already, you have a solid and thorough description of Matthews himself, but not much relating his values or actions to your own. Could you draw some sort of comparison between Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King inspiring Dave Matthews, and Dave Matthews inspiring you? I liked the idea of Matthews “being the change he wants to see in the world” and I think this is another place you could expand on Matthews’ effect on you. Does he inspire you to do the same? In what areas of your life? Things like that.
In terms of things to cut, I think you could easily incorporate the ideas from the paragraph about the formation of the band (actually, I think you might need a paragraph break after “As different as these men were, all were united in a common love for music and a yearning for change in the world”), so the second half of that paragraph with ideas from the second to last paragraph. They’re both essentially about Matthews’ emphasis on equality and love, and it could strengthen your paper to put the ideas together and cut the amount of writing down.
Also, the (now infamous, apparently) Ants paragraph felt a little unconnected to me. To that point in your paper you had emphasized Matthews’ involvement in human rights/global awareness and then this particular paragraph was all about his lyrics and songwriting. If you could emphasize that it is his powerful and perceptive lyrics that give him the ability to really raise awareness about global issues, I think it would help unify (dun dun dun! Where’s my hammer?) your paper.
Sentence Revision
Original:
The words of men like Bob Marley and Dr. King affected Matthews’ writing style, and the content of their words showed Matthews the topics and themes he wanted to write about.
Revision:
The words of men like Bob Marley and Dr. King helped Matthews find his own. Their powerful messages resonated with his values and made him certain that these were ideas he wanted to express.
The last part of the second sentence is still a little bit rough, but I wasn’t exactly sure which direction to go with it. At that point in the paper, Matthews didn’t yet have a band, so I wasn’t sure whether to mention writing somewhere in there or not.
Nice job, and I hope this was somewhat helpful!
2. Law –
I like the basic structure that you set out for your paper, organizing it around the two sides of Roosevelt’s personality as revealed in the quote. I think this could be great! I think you need to emphasize that structure a little more to make it clearer to your reader (of course, not to the point that you’re beating them over the head with it).
Right now though, there is nothing about how Roosevelt affects you. Though in your paper you convince us that Roosevelt is a worthy role model, you don’t mention at all what you take from his example. I think this is the most important thing to work on with your paper right now, the rest of it seems to me to just be polishing.
Both paragraphs comparing Gawain and Roosevelt seemed extraneous to me. You put them in right after the introduction to the second half of your paper discussing the austere and dutiful part of his character, and yet they don’t seem related. If you could somehow more strongly tie in the part of measuring yourself by your own character to Roosevelt’s sense of duty. Or, I think it might work better (and this is just an idea) to move the part about Gawain to near the end, and use it as a way to talk about how Roosevelt is a hero – he feels a sort of personal sense of responsibility. You could use this quote about one’s own heart and soul, actions and worth, as a way to emphasize the authenticity of Roosevelt’s compassion and sense of duty, and that could relate nicely to comparing him to the chivalrous Gawain and to validate your assertion that he is a hero.
As Chetna and Garrison mentioned, many of your sentences seemed wordy. This is easy enough to fix if you just read through carefully, only focusing on making things more concise.
Sentence Revision
Original:
In addition to “Teddy’s” practical righteousness, Roosevelt also strongly believed that a person’s most intrinsic properties were essential in measuring his or her own standing.
Revision:
(If you were to use these two paragraphs near the end)
Finally, though he can be admired for his outward displays of compassion and righteousness, what truly makes Roosevelt heroic were his inward standards that drove/inspired his actions. He firmly believed that the measure of one’s character could be determined by the contents of one’s heart.
I was trying to structure the revised sentence in such a way that you could use it for an introductory paragraph for the relocated Gawain paragraph, if you wanted to. My revision could definitely be pared down, but I wanted to make sure the gist of my idea was clear (so hopefully it is!)
Good job thus far; just a little more elaboration and some careful polishing and you’ll be set!
3. Emily –
I enjoyed reading your paper and I felt like I really got a sense of who your grandfather was.
I had a little difficulty following the organization of your paper. I could not get a sense of where you were going and how all the pieces of your paper added up. Also, I had a hard time seeing how your grandfather actually affected you. Though you said he instilled you with a sense of determination and respect or whatever, I didn’t really see and understand how it actually affected you, you know? I suppose as a reader I wasn’t convinced.
I think one thing that could help a lot in both of these situations would be to pick a few of the important instances of your relationship with your grandfather and fully elaborate on them. If you focus on a handful of things you learned and thoroughly elaborate on them, I think it will help both the organization and the “believability” of your paper For each instance, if you elaborate on what you learned and show how that has really influenced you and played out in your life to show your reader that you were strongly affected instead of telling them that you were. Also, if you just stick with these few instances, it should reduce the amount of extra, extraneous material in your paper and will help make it tighter and more concise.
Sentence Revision
Original:
My grandfather preaches to my brother and I that the only way to be a good salesman is to be an honest and compromising one.
Revision:
He reminds my brother and me again and again that the only way to be a good salesman is to be an honest and compromising one.
Good work so far!
4. Trevor –
I really liked the way you approached the topic of role model as one who is true to themselves -- it felt both authentic and realistic. So nice job on that.
The thing I would work on the most is clarifying the organization of your paper. As a reader, I found it a bit hard to follow and I was never quite sure where you were going or to what point you were building up to. If you could somehow divide the different ways Ellen is true to herself (or clarify if you have already and I missed it!) and make it clear to the reader how each way is related to the whole, I think it would strengthen your paper a lot.
Also, if you could relate Ellen’s actions more closely to their affect on you, that would help bring you and your part as role-model-follower (for lack of a better term) into the paper. What is it exactly about the way she is true to herself that inspires you? The fact that she chose to be so at the possible expense of her fame? The fact that she is able to be both true to herself and successful? And so on. This paper is a good rendition of Ellen’s character, but I want to know about Trevor! :)
A few more nitpicky things--
-- Perhaps try to vary up your diction a bit. “Role model” and “hero” appear A LOT in your paper!
-- The quotes don’t seem to be tied in to the rest of your paper all the time. They give us a better understanding of Ellen, but they don’t connect as they are now. Could you tie them in more closely to what you’re talking about in your paper?
Sentence Revision
Original:
There is nothing more stifling to individuality than having everyone assume you can be thoroughly described by misconceived stereotypes: some sort of caricature created by pop culture.
Revision:
There is nothing more stifling to individuality than having one’s entire character labeled by a misconceived stereotype.
So, I would cut down on the description of Ellen, elaborate on her relation to you, and then work on tweaking your diction a little. But what you have is definitely a good start.
5. Alex –
Yay Postsecret! I really enjoyed reading your paper and I think you had a good balance between biography and your own thoughts. Here are things I thought about as I read through again:
-- I like the distinction between role model and the other terms that you make at the beginning of your paper -- I think it sets a good tone.
-- “Postsecret began when Warren went around handing out 3,000 self-addressed postcards randomly at bus stops, hiding them in library books, wherever, and slowly, secrets began coming in.” – You may want to elaborate on this a little bit and add in something about the post cards prompting the finder to send in a secret. Otherwise, it’s a little confusing.
-- A little bit repetitive between the second and the third paragraph, when talking about what Postsecret has become (books, website, etc).
-- One thing to look out for is wordiness. I am the queen of wordy sentences, so I know how frustrating it can be! But, maybe focus solely on making your sentences more concise during one of your read-throughs.
-- Both “Postsecret” and “PostSecret” are used in your paper…
-- “seeing the honesty and courage in the messages of these postcards inspires a will to finally confront our own fears and hurts.” “Hurts” is a little weak. Perhaps wounds? Scars?
-- I agree with Amanda about the 3-5 paragraphs. I these could definitely combine these into one or two much tighter paragraphs if you’re looking for something to cut.
-- I think you could elaborate on your desire to pursue your passion for compassion and really make concrete how you see yourself doing that. Of course, it’s hard to ask any college student to give a concrete description of what they see themselves doing in their life, but at this point, how do you see it playing out? Even if you know it’s going to change, can you give us an idea of how this compassion could manifest itself in your life? Perhaps you could talk about bring compassion back to medicine, something similar. But if you can pin down even a tentative idea, it’ll strengthen our understanding of your vision.
Sentence Revision
Original:
If one finds the need to define the roles of the helper and the helped, it goes both ways. The creator of the postcard finds release in finally letting their secret out, and the viewer finds hope and commonality in the strength of an, if anonymous, other.
Revision:
The benefits of these postcards are twofold: the creator is freed from their secret and the viewer finds hope in the strength of another. Both individuals simultaneously take on the roles of helper and helped.
Ok oops, Prianka suggested a revision for that sentence already, but since I already typed it all out, I’m just going to leave it. So here’s another one:
Original:
Some of the secrets inspired me in my own relationships and struggles, reminding me to call a faraway friend when I would read certain postcards, or inspiring me to begin a new project when I saw the creativity in others.
Revision:
Many of these secrets guided me in my own relationships and struggles. One would remind me of a faraway friend, prompting me to give her a call. Another would overwhelm me with its creativity, inspiring me to begin a new project.
Nicely done!
6. BradB!
-- You definitely have some room to snazz up your introduction! Can you use a description of some of Pentz’s music to introduce your topic or something else with a little more creative writing than reporting?
-- It might help to do one edit where you focus only on wordiness. For every sentence, you can think about what it is you’re trying to say, and how you could rephrase it in fewer, more precise words. Something that might help is to read your paper aloud. I normally catch many awkward phrasings in my own work that way.
-- I loved your description of the irony as delicious!
-- The secret to the work of Wesley Pentz is his understanding of the sympathetic imagination. “The sympathetic imagination is the ability of a person to penetrate the barrier which space puts between him and his object,” and to do this, Diplo, “by actually entering into the object, … [is able to] secure … complete identification with it.”
Becomes
The secret to Wesley Pentz’s work is in his understanding of the sympathetic imagination, his ability “to penetrate the barrier which space puts between him and his object.” To accomplish this, Diplo, “by actually entering into the object, … [is able to] secure … complete identification with it.”
-- The organization and procession of your paper felt a little jumpy and disjointed. For example, I think the paragraph about people needing to be heard would fit into the flow much more smoothly if it were moved above the paragraph beginning “But Diplo doesn’t stop there.” Also, if you could combine that paragraph with the one directly following, which seems to be hanging out by its own, and really condense your ideas into more concrete images, it think it might help a lot.
-- A more clear transition into the section beginning with the “I am reminded…” paragraph would be helpful to your reader, because you seem to be shifting your focus a bit at that point.
-- Check that the periods are inside the quotation marks!
Sentence Revision
Original:
Diplo goes into third world countries and lives with the people, gets their story without judging them, and can begin to tap into the wealth of knowledge and the well of talent that the people of that nation possess.
Revision:
In each third world country he visits, Diplo lives the lives of its citizens: becoming familiar with their culture, learning their stories, and tapping into the wealth of unique knowledge and talent they possess.
Nice job thus far!
7. Liz
Hey, I can honestly say I enjoyed reading your paper. I really enjoy your writing style and I think most of your ideas are there, you just need to tie them together a bit more!
-- As a reader, I really appreciated how clear your introduction was about the way your essay was going to be organized. This is not a major problem, but the way you phrased it in your thesis I was expecting you to discuss his skills as a writer first. It didn’t matter that much, I was just a little confused when I started reading about how well he understood human nature instead!
-- The connection between Ahimsa and Shakespeare seems little weak to me at this point. I can see the relationship you’re trying to draw between his understanding of humanity and how this could be considered a form of Ahimsa, but at this point it just feels like a Shakespeare-Ahimsa-Shakespeare sandwich, with Shakespeare only really in your topic and concluding sentences, if you know what I mean. I definitely think you have some room to elaborate and draw connections!
-- I found it really interesting the way you explain seeing characters beyond simple actions of good and evil and instead like people. It was a really elegant sentence, too.
-- At this point, I think your transitions are what I would work on the most. Right now they seem a little disparate and unconnected and smoothing them out a little will help strengthen your paper a lot.
-- Though your idea in the second to last paragraph is interesting, it seems a little tacked onto the end: I’d either cut it or elaborate on it.
Sentence Revision
Original:
Even though we were going to perform a play instead of into a battle, we felt a rush of energy and pride to be a “band of brothers”.
Revision:
Even though we were about to charge onto the stage instead of onto the battlefield, we felt a rush of energy and pride to be a “band of brothers.”
Overall, a good, solid paper!
8. Prianka –
It was interesting learning about your mom and I liked reading about a role model who wasn’t a faraway celebrity or an individual from the past. The thing I would work on most is trying to bring the parts of your paper together to form a more unified whole.
-- There was a sharp break in the flow of your paper between the introduction story and your discussion of compassion. Unless you can tie it more closely into your paper or incorporate it somewhere else, I would cut the story, because at this point it seems extraneous.
-- Referring to yourself in the third person near the end seemed a little bit strange to me. I think it would sound more natural and more authentic to switch to first person.
-- Also, I think it could helpful to talk more about yourself and your mother’s effect on you. At this point, most of your paper is about her, but you and your thoughts are equally important to the topic of role model!
Sentence Revision
Original:
So, she decided to organize an event among the employees to raise money for this cancer center for women that she saw in passing.
Revision:
Instead, she decided to focus her energy elsewhere. She had seen cancer center for women (when? During her walks in the city? When she arrived? Something specific) and made up her mind to organize a fundraiser for the center with the other employees.
9. Pallavi
-- Your first few sentences are pretty abstract. Can you incorporate some more concrete images?
-- The jump between Tennessee State University and suddenly having a spot on the news was kind of abrupt. Could you concisely give a little bit more information?
-- I think your discussion of compassion and Oprah’s past 1) could be condense into one paragraph and 2) might fit better right after “Her show was an immediate success and soon became a nation wide phenomenon.” If you discuss compassion here instead of later, then you can condense the description of her show and the things she does into one or two shorter paragraphs. You could even talk about compassion, then about how she displays it on her show, and then about how she shows her compassion in areas outside of her career/show. I think this would lend a little more structure and clarity to this part of your paper.
-- The books paragraph seemed a little disconnected from the rest. Could you talk about it as one of the ways Oprah displays her compassion so it would fit more closely into the structure of your paper up to this point?
Sentence Revision
Original:
Most importantly Oprah inspires people to spread love in their lives whether this means being a kinder friend, sister, mother or teacher.
Revision:
But most importantly, Oprah inspires us to share our love: with our family, with our friends, and with those around us.
