Project 4A - Peer Reviews   Lynn87 1. Focus - 4 Thesis: By allowing our experiences and our choices to shape who we become, rather than our peers and our parents, we truly live our lives and contribute to the world around us. I felt like your paper was happening somewhere in the stratosphere above my head – it seemed very grand, abstract, and difficult for me to really grasp. If you could bring your paper down from the impossible abstract to believable, realistic actions you yourself might take, I think your readers would not only understand your position much more clearly, but they would also be more convinced by it. Also, the idea of molding your own self, which I thought was your thesis, seems to get lost in your paper until the very end, when it resurfaces in your conclusion. It is that idea especially that I would work to develop in your paper, because it is the most concrete goal you have laid out so far. It could also help “ground” your other ideas in something closer to concrete reality if you directly referenced your goal of molding your own person as it tangibly relates to those ideas. 2. Organization - 5 As I said with focus, use the idea of molding yourself, or whatever main idea or goal you want to bring across in your thesis, to really tie your ideas together. At this point they seem a little disjointed. A few things I noticed: -- The idea of questioning comes up suddenly at the end of the paragraph at the top of page 3. I think it would strengthen your paper a great deal if you were to discuss this earlier on in the paper so we have a better sense of what it means to you and how it will keep you from the herd-mentality you described earlier. -- You address pure love early on in the second paragraph and then discuss the challenges without discussion how exactly we are supposed to embrace pure, divine love. Also, you mention it later in the paragraph beginning “By dispelling my fear…”, but how exactly does one (realistically) embrace pure love? I had a hard time following your argument.   3. Flow - 4 The most important thing at this point I think – specific, concrete, understandable images! Though I am really interested in what you have to say, it feels like I have to wade through your words to figure out what you’re trying to say – your points are often obscured by the words you use to describe them. I get caught up in each sentence and lose track of the beginning before I reach the end! I think it might be helpful to read back through each sentence individually and decide which words are important to the idea you are trying to convey and which ones are not. Also, I think it would help immensely if you went back through and made some of your descriptions and analogies much more concrete.   Cadence 1. Focus - 6 Thesis: My ultimate goal is to derive meaning from life, and I believe meaning more often to be found in the personal experiences in our lives instead of the grand truths taught to us. Your paper’s focus seemed to me to shift a little bit between the beginning and the end. At the beginning, I thought the emphasis was much more on finding meaning in life in the things you listed (relationships, dreams, truth) and in the “truths” that others teach us (deriving more meaning from them than the fact that they are merely “true”). Nearer the middle and end, the underlying theme seemed to be much more about your creation of self. I can see how the two are related – creating yourself rather than letting the consequences of your environment do it for you is perhaps one of the most meaningful parts of life – but I think it would strengthen and unify (ding!) your paper to make that connection earlier on, near your thesis. Of course you don’t have to completely tell us the idea you’re leading up to, but if you give the reader the cue that “here, this is the direction I’m going with my paper,” the whole thing would have a much stronger focus. I think all the different examples and supports you gave to your argument really helped your paper convince me that this is what is truly important to you. I definitely began thinking about my own life and the meaning I cull from it as I read your paper, and it raised some interesting questions I’ll have to think about. But overall, good job making your paper convincingly personal and real, but also in making in open to others, so it resonates with your reader.   2. Organization - 6 Your paper hung together as a whole, but you might be able to strengthen that by making your topic sentences and transitions stronger and more clear (sorry, I know that is THE most standard and boring advice, but I do think it could help). The paper progressed in a logical way, but I occasionally had to pause to figure out exactly what the paragraph was about and how it connected to the whole. For example, the third paragraph just seems strange and out of place to me. Perhaps it would work better to combine the second and third paragraphs and place more emphasis on your passion for compassion. Oh, and the idea of truth seems to have gotten lost after the first paragraph or so. 3. Flow - 6 A few paragraphs could use a little tweaking. The paragraph beginning “As part of my endeavor…” for example seems disjointed to me. There seems to be a break between the idea of what role we need to play in order to practice our passion for compassion, and then the end focuses on the idea of creating oneself. Also, some of ideas at the end of that paragraph seem like they might belong with the next paragraph, which itself seems like it definitely should come before the “As part of my endeavor…” paragraph. I think rearranging these paragraphs would definitely help the flow of your paper. Because then, as you end the “endeavor” paragraph, it concludes by discussing your desire to create yourself, and the next paragraph (“As I reconsider”) addresses how you want to do that – you want to change in a way that is more than just a matter of extracurriculars, majors, or grades. Am I interpreting your intentions correctly, and if so, do you see what I’m seeing in rearranging the paragraphs? About the end, I just going to point out the fact that your second to last sentence is beastly! Also, your second to last paragraph felt more like a conclusion than your last paragraph. Could you combine the two or even just switch them with a little bit of editing? Overall, très bien!   Serenity 1. Focus - 6 Thesis: By developing a cultivated mind controlled by virtue, I can become the person I want to be and make meaningful contributions with my actions. Your focus was sharp and clear throughout your paper and you did a good job relating your ideas back to a central theme. However, I think it might be helpful to mention your ultimate role as a helper/leader more directly in your thesis. At this point, your thesis makes it seem like your paper will focus most on cultivating the mind and virtue as a way to way to be happy and successful, which the first half of your paper does. But it would make the whole more unified if you mentioned how the mind/virtue connects with your roles at the very beginning. 2. Organization - 6 Your organization was very well structured and easy to follow, which made it easy to read and understand your paper. However, I think the transitions could be smoothed over. On first read, I felt like I was jumping from idea to idea instead of reading one continuous thought. For example, the transition between your role model and never-ending growth was a little abrupt. A transition sentence that connects the two a little more might be helpful. Connecting the individual paragraphs and ideas more directly will also help your paper be a more unified whole. There seemed to be a break when you mentioned your role model in the third paragraph. It didn’t fit in exactly with the rest of the paragraph. I think it might work better to make a new paragraph about your role-model and expand it a little bit. Your discussion of your role model seems to be a slightly different idea than, though a continuation of, the idea in the third paragraph. Also, the paragraph about growth seemed incomplete. You introduce the idea but didn’t develop it much. As it seems to be an important part of your argument later on, the idea of the cultivated mind definitely needs to be expanded in this paragraph.   3. Flow - 6- Though your writing is clear and easy to understand, it does get a little wordy at times. Cutting down will help a lot! - The overall flow of your paper was smooth and easy to follow, though stronger transitions will make the flow even better. - I think you could strengthen your first sentence a lot if you make it more direct. Boil it down to what’s really important and use “me” or “us” when discussing how the tower reminds you to “know thyself.” - “I have felt some leanings towards the field of education and a calling to serve students who are going through their own identity search, although I will need a lot more experience myself to be ready to do so effectively whether it’s becoming an expert in one field such as theology or concentrating on general psychology and education courses.” This sentence is incredibly long! I would suggest breaking it either after “…field of education” or after “identity search.” Regardless of where you break it up, the whole thing could be made more concise. - Double check the “cultivated min_” after the third picture. - “History is littered with people who led an unglamorous life, a life filled with mistakes, and even a life filled with failures but who made a positive impact on the world around them, and they did not have it all planned out by eighteen.” – All of the “life”s in here should be “lives,” since you’re talking about multiple people. I like the structure of this sentence, but it would be even more powerful if it were less wordy! (Perhaps something along the lines of “History is littered with people who lived unglamorous lives filled with mistakes and even failures, but who positively impacted the world around them. None of them had their life planned out by eighteen.”) My Very Own Name! 1. Focus - 6 Thesis: I hope to embody the characteristics I value, keenly observe and revel in the world, and learn how to balance opposing forces in my life to become a quiet leader. You made it very clear in your introduction where you were going with your paper and kept referring back to your goal of becoming a leader in the individual paragraphs. The only thing that I think would really help strengthen the focus of your paper would be to explain what you see yourself, as a leader, doing. At this point, what you’ll actually be doing as a leader or how you will be leading is somewhat unclear. If you could make it more concrete I think it would make everything hang together more clearly. Could you explain at all why you chose that particular painting by Picasso? If it somehow resonates with the goals or ideas in your paper in more ways than simply being an interesting face, explaining that could add a lot to our understanding of your ideas.   2. Organization - 7 I loved the way your paper was organized! It made it much more interesting to go through the different parts and then see them unified as a whole in the painting. The only stumble organization-wise I had when reading through your paper was the paragraph about laughter. It doesn’t seem to fit in as well to the whole as the other parts do. It seems to kind of stand on its own. Could you tie it more closely back to your goal of becoming a leader? Could you concretely explain how one becomes a leader through laughter? 3. Flow - 6             The conclusion felt a bit abrupt to me, maybe because I was still looking for where you would fully explain being a leader. Also, could you tie it back more directly to your introduction? I liked the analogy of writing or outlining your life, and it might help bring the paper together to use that same image in the conclusion. The rest of the paper flowed fairly well, though more direct transitions between your ideas and paragraphs might help smooth the flow. Also, I think making some of the images you use more direct and concrete could help us to better “see” what you’re arguing. For example: “In order to develop the attachments linked to hope, I aim to become a more dynamic person in face-to-face interactions.” There has got to be a way to make this more direct. Perhaps change “face-to-face interactions” to “conversations” and rephrase “in order to develop the attachments linked to hope,” since it’s a bit of a mouthful right now. All of this is just polishing though, the structure and focus of your paper are both really strong! Smilebug265 1. Focus – 6 Thesis: To become a leader, I must develop my sympathetic imagination, learn to channel my endless supply of energy, and eliminate fear. Your focus was for the most part consistent, though I think that stronger transitions that connect your different ideas/paragraphs more closely would do a lot to sharpen the focus of your paper. Tie the paragraph about your mind more directly to your thesis, it seems a little disjointed with the previous part of your paper at this point. Perhaps mention the idea of focusing your energy a little bit earlier in the paragraph so we know where you’re headed with that idea. 2. Organization – 6 Your thesis made it clear how you were going to structure the rest of your paper, which I, as a reader, appreciated. However, and this is just nitpicky, I was a little surprised when you started your first topic with your last thesis prong. Setting up your thesis in an order makes it seem like that order will be important and that the first idea will develop into the second, which then will develop into the third. If the order as written isn’t important, I would rearrange your thesis to follow the organization of your paragraphs. I think the paragraph about fear can be broken down into two or more smaller paragraphs. Perhaps break after “…life as it exists” (actually, the sentence right after that seemed a little out of place. It didn’t fit with the “embracing love” part above or the “greater power/fearless actions” part below). The next break seems to be when you begin talking about your own struggle. So, perhaps find some places to split it up and smooth out the edges with more concrete transitions.   3. Flow – 6 I like the way you started off making the distinction between hero and leader in your introduction, though I definitely think you could make your first sentence more interesting. Perhaps give an example of the actions of a typical Greek hero (like slaying a dragon…but Greek) to make the introduction draw the reader in more. Something along those lines. I wasn’t sure where to put this, but I think it might be stronger to say “I often feel like a lost soul, trying to discover MYSELF and MY pilgrimage to truth, unable to lead MY own life.” Beginning the paragraph with “Fear.” seemed a little too abrupt. Could you instead do something like “Fear is the most commanding (or some other more appropriate synonym for “powerful”) emotion, powerful even to overcome even the spirit”? I’m sure you know this already, but an edit for wordiness wouldn’t hurt. Some of the sentences you’ve constructed and the diction you use feel more complicated than they need to be to bring the images and ideas across. Finally, I think breaking down some sentences might help. At this point, some of them have too many ideas in them! The paragraph about your mind becomes a little redundant, though the images are striking. If you can find a way to combine them and make them more concise and concrete, I think that paragraph will be really powerful! I just wanted to say that I loved the phrase “healer or sickness to a healer of suffering.”