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Project 4B - Peer Reviews
Cadence The second paragraph seems entirely extraneous at this point. I would either talk about why “absolute truth” is not meaningful to you in your introduction. Actually, the third paragraph seems a little lost too. I would move the truth part up, and combine the Frank Warren information with your aspiration under a much clearer topic sentence. Making clearer topic sentences that relate back to your thesis would actually help your paper a lot. Right now, I got a little lost as a reader as to where your paper was going. I suppose this could fit in to flow as well, but you use the phrase “seeking the heights and to exalt my passions” as your ultimate goal, but what does that even mean? Can you rephrase this using more concrete images so we get a better sense of what you’re talking about? 2. Organization 3. Flow There are still some parts of your paper where you are a little wordy. “Regardless of what it is that we are looking for – achievement of our goals, fulfillment of a dream, purpose in life, significant relationships – the search never ends.” This is way wordier than it needs to be! Try “regardless of what we hope to achieve – our goals, dreams, purpose in life, or significant relationships – the search for meaning never ends” There are plenty more like that – if you read through your paper I’m sure you’ll find them. Just do an edit only for wordiness. Here are a few that jumped out to me: “In a utopian world, there would be no need for this endless and often futile questing; but it is our defiance of that futility that urges us on to seek the heights and to exalt our passions.” “But I want to go above and beyond expectation or limitation the way Frank Warren has, and perhaps even fan the spark of compassion into a surprisingly steady flame to warm those who do not know or have kindness in their lives.” “Small things, like study sessions that consist of theological debates rather than chemistry homework, make up the little kernels of inspiration in my personal life, and drive me to give back the same.” “I envision a path for myself devoid of road markers or, perhaps more applicable to our society, GPS systems.” à I hope to follow a path guided not by road signs but by my own footsteps.
lynn87 Thesis: By maintaining a habit of constant questioning, exploration, and appreciation, I hope to live my life in pursuit of unified individualism, thriving on the pure, natural love that is at once shared and personalized in all sentient beings. It would help a lot to tie your paragraphs more directly back to your thesis. Topic sentences could help make it clearer to the reader how the idea of that paragraph relates back to the main idea of the thesis. Also, for the thesis, if you could bring this down into concrete language your reader could more easily understand, I think it would help them see where you’re going in your paper and what exactly you’re going to be arguing.
2. Organization Stronger topic sentences would really help the organization of your paper. At this point the organization is a little muddled. Oh, and the first and fourth pictures don't work. 3. Flow As I said before, make your sentences less wordy and abstract. Some sentences that really jumped out to me: “From birth we are pulled by various strings of influence into an intricate dance of a predestined life, a choreography of conformity and dissatisfaction.” “By maintaining a habit of constant questioning, exploration, and appreciation, I hope to live my life in pursuit of unified individualism, thriving on the pure, natural love that is at once shared and personalized in all sentient beings.” “The financial stability of a comfortable to moderately extravagant lifestyle has been put on a pedestal since my childhood; pressures to succeed are associated with general well-being for both myself and my loved ones—as I am often reminded that one day I may be their sole provider.” And so on. Serenity Thesis: As long as I am developing a "cultivated mind - guided and controlled by virtue," then I can work towards becoming a successful leader in all of them - the hero of my own life. I didn’t really see any major places where you were not on topic. 2. Organization Your organization worked really well – it was clear without being too formulaic or overly obvious. 3. Flow I think the flow and organization both contributed to the other, because there were very few times I paused or had to rethink a sentence. It’s always possible to cut down and make things more concise, but I think you’re at the point where you could polish for style instead of to smooth over problems. But here are a few sentences I noticed anyways: “Out of this awareness compassion naturally arises, but Dass points out in his book that too often we do not allow that compassionate feeling to be expressed because of our own fears and insecurities.” Compassion arises naturally out of this awareness. Yet too often our fears and insecurities prevent us from expressing that compassion. (Perhaps move the bit about Dass to the beginning of the “compassion arises” sentence?) “One reason why I admire my role-model, Kenneth Peters, so much is because of his strong convictions; his convictions have made him a leader within the church where he worked and outside of it.” It is the strong convictions of my role-model, Kenneth Peters, that I admire so much about him. His convictions have made him a leader both inside and out of the church where he works. “…protesting a war through passive aggression” I’m not sure that “passive aggression” is the right phrase here. As I understand it, passive aggression has a negative connotation. Perhaps something more along the lines of “passive resistance”? My Very Own Name Though the explanation of why you chose the painting helps a lot, I think you could make the explanation more concise. Your focus is pretty consistent, so I would focus on flow the most for P4C, though I think you have some room to develop your conclusion. I liked the (somewhat macabre, haha) comparison between epitaphs though, as it helped tie the beginning and end of your paper together. 2. Organization 3. Flow The structure flowed perfectly well, just some more edits for wordiness and I think you’ll be fine! Here are a few sentences I noticed: “The less naturally ingrained aspirations require more attention to develop, just like certain feature of the face from Femme en Pleurs are grotesquely large or daintily small.” It will require more attention to develop those aspirations that do not come naturally to me. This disproportion of attention is reflected in the grotesquely large or delicately dainty facial features of Femme en Pleurs. “I must create in myself a very perceptive person, observing slight differences in those around me all the time and address people on a one-to-one basis.” I must become a more perceptive person, noticing the subtle differences in those around me and addressing them individually. “However, I yearn to balance recognizing the smaller things with avoiding stressing over them.” However, I yearn to recognize the smaller things without stressing over them. “I am always alert to sings of the past…” should be “signs” obviously
Smilebug625 Your thesis is very clear and direct. I think you could probably break up your paragraph about fear somewhere. It seems like there’s a lot going on in it and it might make the focus clearer to your reader with more paragraph breaks. The paragraph beginning “a penitentiary” seems a little out of place. Add in a topic sentence to tie it back to the main idea of your paper? Another good paragraph break might be in the penitentiary paragraph after “as Ram Dass advises” 2. Organization Overall, your organization was good, but here are a few things I noticed anyways: If you could relate your first paragraph back to your thesis with a topic sentence, I think it might help. Of course, you don’t want to make your organization to obnoxiously blatant, but at this point the transition between your thesis and first paragraph is a little abrupt. Actually, smoothing all the topic sentences and transitions would help your paper immensely.
3. Flow Nice reworking of introduction. You used the phrase “superhuman strength” in both the first and second sentences. Try a synonym? I think you could still smooth over the transitions between your thesis subjects. Right now they seem a little sudden. And another go at an edit for wordiness might help too. “It is all consuming and once one is shackled by its manacles, faith in themselves and the world is lost.” This would sound better active instead of passive. “Fear consumes the individual, who, once shackled in its manacles, loses faith in themselves and the world. “I have yet to discover my purpose or my cause that I am willing to fight for, to live for, to die for.” I have yet to discover the purpose I am willing to live for, to fight for, even to die for. |
