My Reviews of Others
| Focus | very good (6) FIRST AND FOREMOST: I have a copy of your essay saved on my computer with comments lined up directly with specific sentences. I tried to include all my ideas here, but my version may be easier to look for specific details I commented on. I''ll try to e-mail it to you if you let me know you''re interested in seeing it. Otherwise, all this info. is still valid, just maybe a little cumbersome. GOOD ESSAY! You definitely have a purpose, but I felt like the intro set me up for something different than what I got. From your essay, I got the impression that your purpose was to define your current state of mind and then to relate it to what you hope to accomplish in life (loosely defined). The intro talks quite a bit about heroes, and you go on to discuss that more in your essay, but I felt this was not related to you personally enough or specifically enough. You do have a direct and concise thesis... just be sure you don''t go off on too many tangents. (more on that under Organization) My impression was that your thesis was the last sentence of your intro where you state that you want to develop your sympathetic imagination, channel your energy, and fight fear. In your intro paragraph, I got lost in your "Heroism is..." For me there were just too many words competing to tell me what that hero was. And I got lost trying to decipher which definition you were leaning towards. I''m not the most focused reader, so stuff like that confuses me easily. The second paragraph beginning with "Fear." Wow! I really like this. A lot. Good job NOT generalizing and still getting a broad message across. "They recognized inequalities in the world, but rather than wasting time and energy talking about and become flustered at the issues, past heroes worked toward building a more unified, tolerant world. Heroes who have accentuated the pages of history challenged their boundaries without fear for the outcome; they possessed faith in a greater power which allowed them to overcome standard human limitations. "--This seems to not matter considering I thought (though could be wrong) that you said you wanted to be a leader, not a hero. Talk more about yourself! "My mind is my greatest ally and enemy; it is my fortune and the cause of my failure. An internal war is constantly waging between what I want, what I should want, and whether what I want is right for me that often leads me to question myself and my purpose. Within the tangle of my thoughts a vision of truth is trapped, waiting for me to liberate it. " --Good commentary, but IÕm not sure that this is in keeping with the purpose of the essay, which is to talk about your future. Tell how you think you might remedy these issues. "In every generation, there exist those who carry a torch which burns so brightly, that it illumines the dark confines of the human mind and dispels the shadows that cast by fear of great terrors in the world" --This sentence sounds cool, but is inarticulate. It has great language, but is too broad for Bump, IÕm thinking. Finally, in the last paragraph about 3-4 sentences before the end i felt like the word ÒleaderÓ needs to come into this discussion somewhere. This essay needs to be centered on how you will lead. I know it is inherent, but it does need to be directly stated. | 7 VERY specific and helpful! I literally printed your remarks and had it next to my paper as I revised. Took into account every critique and picked what needed to be altered, deleted, or stay the same with some tweaking. Thanks for taking the time and trouble to be so specific! The microanalysis really helped! |
| Organization | Good (5) I don''t think you used any headings and subheadings. The order seems logical, though for some reason I didn''t feel that you stuck to the order you presented in your thesis very strictly. Some of the transitions seemed weak. Paragraphs need to be broken up quite a bit but then will be more on one simple subject. The intro is great, until you get to that one sentence about how your goal isn''t necessarily to become a hero. I got kinda angry there and was like, "Then why did I just hear all this stuff about being a hero?" See below for details: In the context of my own life, I desire not be a hero or one Òof superhuman strength, courage, or ability, favored by the godsÉan intermediate between gods and men, and immortal,Ó rather I desire to become one who leads Òto accompany and show the way to; to direct or guide by going on in advance; to cause to follow in oneÕs path.Ó -- OK, so I really like this sentence, but DUDE why did you talk so much about Heroes if you arenÕt even going to continue that throughout the paper. I actually understand how it ties the epigraph in, but I think you go on too much about heroes for then saying that isnÕt really what you want to be. I agree with you, but donÕt think the place to say it is in this paper. "Fear. ... Ghandi" --Maybe this could be used more in your intro and could replace your apt but somewhat misplaced discussion of heroes. Then the ideas in the thesis would get a little attention before being introduced. "I often feel as though my thoughts are constrained in the penitentiary that composes my mind" --Interesting wording. I like it, though IÕm not sure Bump will. "However, my greatest strength is also my most powerful demon"--Ties back in well, makes me remember where we are in the passage, but could possibly begin a new paragraph. Paragraph beginning "The sympathetic imagination..."--RANDOM ALERT! Maybe IÕm getting distracted in my room as I read, but this seems like a really abrupt change of topic. "Much of this process...Similarly" -- Good. A little wordy, but I like it a lot. | 6 Again, SUPER helpful in being so specific! I looked at every sentence the reviewer noted, as well as considered the overall organization at a macro level. |
| Flow | very good (6) Mostly, your flow was great. There were some really rocky places though. I hope I identified them below. Sometimes your style is great, and occasionally it totally falls apart. There seemed to be some fluff, but it all did get around to the point eventually. "wolf among sheep"--Do wolves lead sheep? This analogy is lost on me. Paragraph beginning "Fear. ..." (once again gets attention) -- Flows well from topic to topic, though it did seem like you were resurrecting the idea of heroes which you dismissed in the intro as not being a personal goal of yours "As Mahatma Gandhi once said, ÒIf your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them.Ó -- Maybe IÕm just A.D.D., but this seems to not flow well from the previous sentences. Maybe if you used some of his words in the sentence before this to tie them better it would be more effective. "Thus, I desire to let go of my inhibitions and replace them with courage and conviction to seize my ambitions without fear for the outcome or consequences." --But do you also want to develop a Òfaith in a power greater than the individualÉÓ If not, why do you talk about it so praisingly | 6 Helpful in pointing out awkward phrasing and seemingly contrasting ideas. I tried to revise the awkwardness and worked on consistency in flow throughout the paper. |
Prianka:
| Focus | Excellent (7) Your focus was great. Everything you said tied back into your central idea. Working off of an organization that you will one day possibly join was an excellent plan. However, while reading, I often lost track of how different parts of your paper tied into your vision until the conclusion of a paragraph. I felt like several of your ideas (especially when you begin to talk about your parents and when you get specific and start talking about FGC) could be tied in directly at the very beginning of the paragraph and then elaborated on throughout. I didn''t see any one sentence as your thesis (except maybe the sentence about you being a part of Doctors without Borders), but the idea of what you would talk about was clear from the very start. The only complaint I have about your paper was that I kept thinking you would eventually revert back to the current version of yourself (as a 19 or 20 year-old) and explain that this was all about your future goals. Sometimes the tenses of verbs confused me, too, but I talk about that under the flow section. Your paper is so carefully constructed around the central idea that it definitely is focused. The biggest weakness I saw was that a really strong thesis to introduce the different things you will talk about more specifically would make the whole paper seem more cohesive. | 7 They helped me especially on organizing my thoughts so that my focus was clearer. Their suggestions on the paragraphs about my parents and the FGC really helped me remove clutter from the paper. They also notified me that my thesis was a little too ambiguous. |
| Organization | Good (5) I don''t think you used specific headings and subheadings, though I don''t see any reason for you to have done so. I felt like there were several places where the organization was fine, but I didn''t see a clear transition and thus found myself lost in the text for a couple sentences until I figured out what you were talking about next. I always immediately understood how it tied into your leadership vision, just didn''t always see how each idea you developed tied into the paragraph before it. "At MSF, we donÕt bother with political issues or hostile governments when deciding to help a group of people; we simply see people in need and go there. It is as simple as that." -- Also, until this point (and only because I know that you are not 26 yet) I was not entirely sure whether this was a look into your future or a summation of experiences youÕve had. I know that it must be really obvious to someone who knows you well, but reading the paper as an outsider, I think IÕd be really confused. I like the idea a lot and really want you to leave it in there, but maybe somewhere you could give some sort of indication that this is s vision more than a recounting. "My parents instilled this spirit of humanism in me since I was a child. My brothers and I were always encouraged to donate our Christmas presents, volunteer to serve Thanksgiving dinner, and lend a hand without being asked." -- This paragraph seems a little out of place in the overall scheme of the paper. You seem to jump from a hypothetical discussion of how you are looking back on med. school and college to a much younger age when your parents were instilling certain things in you. The content is great, but I was lost for a couple of sentences trying to place myself within the particular part of your life you were talking about now. | 6 They helped me with transitions. They also gave very specific places where I needed to improve my organization. This was very helpful. |
| Flow | Good (5) Your flow was good, but you had some typos and other minor errors or repeated words that would stop me as a reader. Although minor, the little mistakes distracted me from the purpose of your paper and interesting content seem more meager, not as admirable. Below are some of the minor errors I found while reading through. Although some of the repetition may have been intentional, I felt that it was distracting. Above all, I just wanted to be sure you realized it was in there in a couple places. THE INTRO PARAGRAPH -- Great, captivating introÉ I think I found some awkward wording, though, like in stead of Òhave toÓ you could consider Òmust.Ó Also, is it ÒsowÓ or ÒsewÓ? ÒSowÓ looks strange for some reason. Perfect use of active voice. Repetitive use of ÒfinallyÓ in second paragraph. "They donÕt look at me with everlasting hope like my patients in Houston, who look at me with all confidence" -- all? I think this is just a typo, but why is the "all" there? "; we simply see people in need and go there. It is as simple as that." -- Repetitive use of simpl(e/y) Paragraph beginning with "I decided to join MSF because it suddenly became apparent to me how selfish I really was." -- I think I understand what you are trying to do in this paragraph (looking back on yourself/ using hindsight) but the tenses seem to jump around too much. Try to make them more straightforward to make it easier for a reader to keep up with you. This sentence threw me off for some reason: "My generation on the other idea has had things come easy to us. " In the paragraph below the picture captioned "children in need" you use "generation" and "value" twice. "As I begin the day at five in the morning, I know that I have a thirty-hour day in front of me." --Repetition of "day." (maybe you could just delete the first "day") | 7 This paper suggested where I could improve flow, such as typos and other minor errors. They listed all of these errors, so it was easy for me to fix. |
Pallavi:
| Focus | Excellent (7) I felt that you had a very focused paper that conveyed your meanings in a concise way. Your thesis was about your future, the person you hope to become, and your desire to incorporate compassion into all you do. I didn''t feel that you had just one sentence that served as a thesis, setting up the rest of your paper. Although as a reader I still feel I understood all the main points of your vision, a definitive thesis would help so that the reader would know certainly what was to follow. The one thing that bothered me throughout was your lack of specifics. In the introduction: "As a freshman in college, I am at a point in my life where I have developed firmly rooted values and truths that are constantly tested in various situations" --I feel that everyone can relate to this sentence, so in one sense it is really good. IÕm also afraid, though, that some people may consider it really vague. Just something to consider. Also, a random thing that caught my attention: "but this is no reason to not even try" -- IÕve always heard that using words like ÒnotÓ weakens an argument and in this case I feel that if you used words like Òbut I will still tryÓ might convey your meaning more strongly. I felt that the paragraph beginning "My visits to India have impacted my thoughts, actions, and goals " was really perfect for this paper. It had lots of specific examples from which you drew great conclusions. These conclusions were all applied to your life. The one break from focus that surprised me was in the conclusion when you first introduce the idea of your own family. It was strange to see such a broad topic first introduced in the conclusion. Great focus overall! | 7 I like how to reviewer pointed out specific paragraphs and phrases that were confusing. |
| Organization | very good (6) Although I don''t think you had any subheadings/headings, your paper definitely followed a logical thought process. Paragraphs are focused on one subject, and each subject is well developed. Main complaint with organization is your first paragraph. The paragraph overall is quite vague. I donÕt really know where you are going with this paper. I understand that you will talk about the person you want to be, but have no idea yet what type or caliber of person that is. The next paragraph : I love this paragraph. It has so much insight and great things to say. The only thing that I can see wrong with it is a few minor writing details (one or two word choices that I felt were awkward or sentences that could be broken up. I mention them under flow) and the fact that you only loosely tie your ideas to yourself. How will you act upon these ideas? How do the affect you specifically and personally? Finally, the sentence "Working with people that have no control over the situation they are in is my calling and my passion" seems really randomly placed. I felt like it needed to be connected to the sentence before and after it. It didn''t follow the rest of the ideas in the paragraph logically. Or maybe it did follow the ideas, but it didn''t have a connection to those on either side of it. Are you planning on adding quotes later? Overall, though, I felt your organization was great and your paragraphs really well developed. | 7 The review was good in seeing where the wholes in my paper are, and how I can fix them. |
| Flow | very good (6) I felt your paper flowed quite well and that most everything you said was clear and direct. I didn''t catch any use of the passive voice. Here are a couple of minor things that threw me off and made me not flow from idea to idea as a reader: "Many people fail to realize the beauty in the human race and rather run around trying to find beauty in materials and possessions. " -- I really really like the ideas you are putting forth in this sentence. Something about it sounds awkward, though. Could you break it up with a semicolon maybe? "If people could find ways to apply their passions to benefiting the lives of others, at least half the suffering in the world could disappear. " -- I think that this is an interesting sentence, though IÕm not sure I understand your point. How can you measure suffering and further how could you ever know if half of it would disappear? | 6 I like that the reviewer found a specific sentence that didn''''''''t make sense so I was sure to address it in editing. |
Garrison:
| Focus | Excellent (7) The last sentence of your intro sets up the rest of the paper very well and serves as part of your thesis; the sentence before where you outline the different areas in which you will lead also ties into make a thesis. The part about the otter, lion, golden retriever, and beaver seemed really random, especially since none of the other animals were explained at all. Your paragraphs are very concise and obviously center around the topic sentence which ties into the thesis. Everything is connected. Also, all of your ideas and plans seem very well-thought-out and detailed/specific. Overall, I thought your paper was very focused. The main issue I had was that everything was so expected. From the very beginning, everything is so well laid out that nothing really seems out of place. I actually thought this was fitting, though, since your paper indicates a very deliberate, well-planned life. You left little or no room, though, for the unexpected. What if you donÕt find the perfect wife or get the management position within 20 years? | 6 I didn''''t understand what all was expected. I could have used some specifics, since you said that not all of this was bad. The feedback about the animal analogy was extremely useful, though. |
| Organization | very good (6) Everything is very well organized and relates back to your thesis. All of your ideas work off of one another. You seem to have your whole life planned out very thoroughly. I donÕt think you used subheadings or headings, but IÕm not sure that part of SWoRD is relevant. The conclusion is great; the intro had me a little confused simply because you seem to jump from explaining the leadership you have experienced so far to the animal analogy to your leadership vision/ thesis. All of this happens in a very short paragraph. Also, you later bring up the golden retriever analogy, but I donÕt understand exactly what that implies. Either developing the analogy more or taking it out all together would have helped me as a reader. You integrated quotes thoroughly and came full circle. The one paragraph about becoming a human resource manager seemed a little abrupt, but was not too intrusive. | 6 Gave specific examples of what needed to be changed: introduction, animal analogy, and HR manager paragraph. I addressed each of those 3 for a hopefully better-organized and focused paper. |
| Flow | very good (6) Generally, flow was fine. Some of the paragraphs seemed a little disconnected, but since they all tied into the thesis, I donÕt think that this is a big problem at all. One thing that distracted me was your use of the word Òhone.Ó I felt like you used it over and over in the second paragraph (though IÕm sure it wasnÕt as often as it seemed) and that repetition distracted me. This seemed awkwardly worded to me : Òat forty years old.Ó Maybe Òby the time IÕm forty years oldÓ? When you start talking about becoming a human resource manager, I felt that there might be a break down of unity. It isnÕt that the ideas arenÕt unified, I just was caught by surprise since I donÕt think that specific idea had been mentioned in your thesis (especially since the rest of your paper aligns so perfectly with your thesis). This term seemed a little redundant or confusing : Òcompassion empathyÓ | 4 A few specifics were mentioned that I could address. As for the disconnected paragraphs, besides for the HR one I was clueless to where you got stuck. |
Brad:
| Focus | very good (6) I felt that your focus was very good. You really stayed on target; everything tied back into your central idea of "letting go." However, some concepts seemed awkwardly mentioned or not connected to the ideas surrounding them. Also, I felt like a couple interesting ideas were not fully developed and left me wondering as a reader. For example, I got confused about how everything tied together in the following places: "what leads us to fulfilling opportunities" -- How? Do you mean that just knowing your passion makes you take action and take advantage of opportunities? If thatÕs what you mean, cool idea. If not, maybe a little more clarity is needed here. "enjoying myself" (at the end of paragraph beginning "With all these extraneous...") -- At this point, I start to wonder if enjoying yourself and self-satisfaction is your main purpose. I know that you immediately go on to talk about others, but your ideas briefly seem out of place with your thesis which includes internal development and the value of others. Throughout the paper, you use Òthing,Ó everything,Ó Òeveryone,Ó and other ambiguous nouns quite a bit. I got the impression that your ideas were specific, but these words add vagueness to your vision. Replacing some of them with examples would make your vision easier to visualize for a reader. "Instead of writing a check and sticking it in the mailbox..." --I got lost here. A check for what? "the unity between them is much more important" -- More important than what? This distracted me for a second. Good focus overall! The stuff above is mainly just personal preferences that distracted me from your main ideas. | 7 Really helped cut out some extraneous ideas and gave very specific examples. |
| Organization | Excellent (7) Although I never was entirely sure what you were going to talk about next, I never was distracted by organization. Every paragraph seemed to have an intro sentence and the last sentence of each paragraph tied in to the next paragraph''s intro well. At the beginning I felt that you were talking about the internal peace you felt necessary to achieve, then you tie in how you aspire to interact with others, and finally you talk about unity and its importance. Specific comments about organization: Perfect introduction paragraph Short and concise, gets ideas across in a broad sense. Paragraph beginning "So, my life will be an active resistance " -- Great paragraph, builds up well, very specific etc, but it seems almost like an intro or conclusion or thesis. Maybe IÕm reading your paper incorrectly, but I felt that this was a more general paragraph, central to your ideas and thus out of place in the middle of the paper. | 7 Good examples, and she realized what I was going for and told me ways to tweak it appropriately. |
| Flow | very good (6) I felt your flow was great. Generally all your ideas flowed into one another gracefully and everything was well justified. There were just a couple of points where I got hung up. Paragraph beginning "This is not because I want to simply escape " -- This paragraph is so perfect to transition and explain your ideas. However, I get a little lost with the word Òworld.Ó What do you mean? With nature? With the people and experiences? With absolutely everything in the world? "there is no way to stop" -- I stopped for a second and wondered "Stop what?" I think I understand your meaning as being to stop obsessing over material things and acquisitions, but wasn''t sure. "there is minimal emphasis put on dealing with your own internal questions and struggles" -- I''ve heard that using "there is" or "there are" is passive, so maybe "Because minimal effort is put on dealing with É " wouldn''t be. I''m not positive, though, about the passive voice part. Paragraph beginning with "To have a life that is at all fulfilling" -- In this paragraph (and several other spots in the essay) you switch between 1st-person, 2nd-person, and 3rd-person pronouns. It just seems a little inconsistent and choppy. "and truly satisfy you, which happens to be my goal in life" -- Somehow this just seems awkwardly worded. I had to reread the sentence once or twice to get what you were saying. "understand more clearly your own" -- your own more clearly? I hope these aren''t too specific. They may be fine, I just put down everything I found to be sure that no break-downs of unity slipped by. Great paper overall. It was easy to read and interesting and provided a new perspective on the idea of a leadership vision. | 7 I really appreciate the specific examples, especially on the Flow portion, because in my head some of these worked, but I could see how they could throw a reader off. |