Reviewer 1
The first half of your paper is very powerful and engrossing, with very eloquent phrases within. However, it''s very long, so it takes half of a paper to get to the actual thesis answering the prompt. I suugest cutting down the "Why I care" part to your intro paragraph. You could start out with something like "I care because..." and go from there. Another option is to combine the two parts (see below).
For the second part of your paper, you launch an elaborate description of what should be done, including things in the works and calls to action on other topics. However, when do you ever mention how YOU are going to help, except in the last paragraph when you state "By being a part of the numerous efforts to spread knowledge and understanding in order to help demolish societies disapproval of homosexuality, I plan to help make the world a better and fairer place..." The first part of your paper is VERY focused on you, and the second part is VERY focused on everyone else. Because of this divide, I think it would really help to bring the two sections together. I''ll give suggestions for how to integrate the two parts in the organization section below.
I notice that your paper rather lacks a thesis. I think this is also caused by the division of parts. By combining the two, you can integrate yourself into your thesis, instead of just starting to name what should be done. I gave you a 5 because you only had one quote, I think more quotes would have helped your argument. Also, you had a good thesis but didn''t really state it until the end, though your paper adressed it.
This reviewer made some good points. There was a rough transition between the two parts. She also noted the lack of first person in the second part.
Back Review: The comment on the lack of quotes was not particularly helpful because quotes in no way changes the focus of the paper.
Reviewer 2
The entire paper is written in a way where the reader is never led astray by a single sentence or phrase. There are some parts in the paper where the focus is placed too much on the fact that it is difficult for homosexuals freely express themselves and not enough on yourself personally. Taking these personal thoughts and integrating them into your paper provides for a much stronger leadership vision. You may have to sound selfish and not talk too much about others in order to express your vision.
Back Review: The reviewer pointed out the lack of personal vision and first person, but did not really point out where or how to correct this.
Reviewer 3
1. The thesis of your paper is that you hope someday change a society to receptive of gays. I felt the focus of your paper was good. You did a good job of explaining how you came across your passion and why you are so passionate about it. For me, I felt that you should address your opposition more. Understand that others aren’t so liberal, and they don’t understand why people are gay. You sort of mentioned this in your paper and suggested that it was your goal to change the stereotypes or prejudices against the GLBTQ community. However, there was a missing link. How? I know this is not the whole purpose of your paper, but I feel it is important. How can we break the stigmas people have against gays if people aren’t even willing to accept or can’t even understand why people are gay. I suggest that you deduce your argument and show, step by step, how you move from status quo to the future, where everything is good.
Obviously, if the stigmas against GLBTQs didn’t exist, there wouldn’t be a controversy at all. However, these stigmas do exist, and you need to investigate why they do exist and how society is wrong. Additionally, you should discuss how your experience here at UT and getting a degree in Plan II and electrical engineering will help you in your passion. Going to college is obviously part of your pilgrimage, but what is the big picture?
The “What Can I Do” half of your paper, in the first paragraph, I felt there was a missing link between that and your first hand experiences. Build off that energy and explain how that leads you to your passion to impact the world. Address how it is your goal to create a world or a society where gays don’t have to suffer for who they love. How can we drill it into children as well? Children don’t know what love is, do they? Discuss that subject a bit more if you can to clear that up. Overall, I think you did a great job describing your personal experiences and what you want to do. I can really imagine a future where children don’t have to go through the torment suppressing their sexual identity. Maybe you could conclude with a paragraph describing the future.
I give you a 6.
Back Review: This was the most helpful review. All of the advise was good.
Reviewer 4
Your first part does well in addressing the thesis, but the second section of your paper, "What I Can Do," veers out of control, pretty far from your thesis--"My personal mission is to facilitate a world where the panic and terror related to being gay is nonexistent."
With this statement, you suggest you will be talking about (a) the panic and terror related to being gay, and (b) how you intend to facilitate a world where it is nonexistent. This is how your paper is divided in theory--and I''ll get back to this in the "organization" section--but I feel like you never really give your reader an answer to the (b) part of your thesis.
Note that until the concluding paragraph in section (b), you have almost completely dropped out of the first person, which effectively prevents you from answering the question of how YOU intend to facilitate this world. I think the steps you outline are great (change laws, promote knowledge and understanding, education, etc.) but, again, what''s missing here is your agency. You mention a personal vision of "a mandatory standardized curriculum in public schools promoting inclusion and tolerance towards gay individuals and the issues of human sexuality" but you leave your reader with a pretty big question--how do you intend to promote your vision? This isn''t something you have to answer in extreme depth, since this is a long term vision, but I wonder if you could at least attempt to show us how you might facilitate all these changes, since it''s an integral part of your thesis. At this point, saying only that you want to be part of "the numerous efforts" seems like too little, too late.
Back Review: The points in this review were valid and clear.
Reviewer 5
The focus of the paper stays on the topic at hand throughout the entirety of the paper. The thesis of the writer is clearly established at the end of the first paragraph. The writer focuses on his desire to create a world in which being gay does not instill panic or fear in that individual. The focus is divided into two main sections: Why I Care and What I Can Do. The personal details and anecdotes make the paper more powerful and passionate. The conclusion highlights the main points of the writer but is not repetitious in any fashion. The main points of the paper were well laid out and communicated. The only problem I had with the paper was the second part. It is entitled “What I Can Do,” but the writer never truly says what he can do personally. A set of goals are presented, but the writer needs to say what part he is going to have in making these dreams a reality.
The review was somewhat helpful, but did not give much advise on how to revise it. The points it did make were very helpful though.
Organization (Overall quality: 6.2 )
Reviewer Comments Back-Evals
Reviewer 1 The fact that you divide your paper into "WHY I CARE" and "What I Can Do" makes your organization very, very clear. Apart from that, it seems that your paragraphs follow from each other well. However, since your second section doesn''t have its own thesis or topic sentence, the discussion seems to just flow around at random. I know there are a lot of different sides to helping the issue, but this part lacks a little coherence. One way to keep it from feeling like you jump from issue to issue is to combine your anecdote with your call to action. After discussing how people made fun of you by calling you "gay", you could talk about how PSAs, sex education, and informative campaigns can enlighten others about why being gay isn''t wrong. When you talk about your parents confronting you and the pressure to lie, you can talk about the laws preventing marriage and how that creates a social stigma (especially with parents who hope for grandchildren) and the importance of raising kids in an open environment.
The way your paper is now, after a touching part 1, you jump directly into "Immediate action must be taken to give individuals legal protection..." There''s nothing connecting these two parts at all! I understand the rest, that each paragraph deals with a different issue of being gay and how policy and education can help prevent it. So maybe you could have an intro paragraph for this part that says something about a combination of education and policy are the answers to making gay life better, and furthermore, how you are going to help these things come about? I gave you a 6 because your arrangement is definitely effective, but it could be more sophisticated and meaningful.
The point on the disjointedness of the second part was very helpful. My paper definitely lacked coherence to a single point in the second part.
Reviewer 2 The paper is organized in a fashion where the reader is never left out of the loop. There are subheadings splitting the paper into two sections with one being personal and the other dealing with a plan of action and leadership vision. Both sides are integrated in a fashion where the audience finds the points that were made to be unforgettable. Rather than mentionining the paragraph concerning the "true struggle faced by gay youths" earlier in your paper, perhaps you can move it to the second section of your paper where you mention several ways of remedying identity crises.
The points were valid, but the review was short. It was helpful though.
Reviewer 3 2. The organization is good. However, I don’t think the subtitles “Why I Care” and “What I Can Do” help to strengthen your paper. Instead, internal transitions and links would be better. I think you forgot your title in your paper. I’m assuming it’s “Gay is Good.” I already discussed how I think you are missing a link between your own experience and your hope for the future. Also, in the “what I can do” section, I suggest taking out that first paragraph that discusses the status quo and politics of homosexuality. That doesn’t help your point. It is important so that you can talk about you idea for the future, I think it would be better if you can describe the status quo and contrast it to the future.
Additionally, you ending kind of died of. Stress your point by reiterating your desire to change the world and your hope to see a better tomorrow. Emphasize that you want to dedicate your life to this idea and why. Make that connection between your suffering and your desire to alleviate the suffering of others. Overall, you have a solid organization that I was able to follow really well.
I give you a 7.
I disagree with the point that the subtitles are bad. I do think that the two sections were disjointed and the subtitles seemed like a poor attempt at creating unity. Nevertheless, the subtitles remained in the final paper and add to the organization of the paper.
Also, I did forget to put the title in the paper. Thanks!
I also felt that the reviewer was correct that I needed to rework the final paragraph.
Reviewer 4
Apart from incompletely addressing the thesis, the paper is well organized. I especially like how you''ve managed to arrange your discussion both topically and chronologically in the first half. The only exception to this pattern I can find is the paragraph beginning, "The true struggle faced by gay youths (as well as adults) is caused by being unable to express their true individuality and their inability to discover who they truly are due to the necessity to constantly hide." Look through the information in that paragraph and see if you can''t integrate it in another section of your life story.
In the second part, your organization unravels somewhat. The more I think about it, you may simply want to frame this section better, casting it as an action plan. Then instead of bringing up each paragraph as a new topic, almost out of nowhere, you can make it look more systematic. Especially look at the short paragraph, " The creation of laws..." and ask yourself why that information is isolated. Doesn''t this have to do with what you were just saying in the previous paragraph? Again, think over your organization in this sentence.
The point that the paragraph needed integration was a good point.
The point that the second part needed better organization and framing into a united plan was also valid.
Reviewer 5
The organization of the paper is very logical. It is divided into 2 sections and the thesis is communicated in the first. The personal stories in the first section enhance the quality of the paper’s message The second section enumerates on its title as well. The order of the paper is developed and maintained throughout the entirety of the paper as well as each individual paragraph. There is a question about the second paragraph in section 2. It seems that it has not clear purpose except expanding on the previous paragraph. Joining it with the previous paragraph would bring more order to that section and thus make the organization and flow better. The introduction grabs the reader right from the start and gives them the information. There is no guessing as to the topic of the paper, because it is given to you right away. The conclusion ties both sections together and ends the paper concisely.
Trevor, I thought your paper was fabulous! I really REALLY enjoyed reading it!
Great points. Very helpful.
Flow (Overall quality: 6.2 )
Reviewer 1 Because your paper involves a lot of narrative, the beginning flows very well. The second part is also decently constructed to flow, except it would be best to incorporate yourself into the arguments more. On their own, they are very well written and easy to follow, with good rhetoric. However, the division of your paper into two large parts (obviously) stops the flow short. It makes it seem more as if you are talking about you, then you talk about policy, and the two things aren''t related. Because this is a personal leadership vision, it would be much more effective to combine the two so that your arguments could flow from your grievances, as I said above. You could show your story, and show how different parts of your life could be improved by legislation and education. You could also look to the future and show more specifically how you want to use your own experiences and education to bring about change for the gay community. All in all, a well-written and persuasive start to a great paper. You can only improve from here! I gave you a 5 because the two parts flowed very well separately, but the second part was less connected than the first and they didn''t flow together. I think my comments will help some with that, though!
Very helpful. The point that I needed to incorporate first person into the second part was a good point.
Reviewer 2 The flow is very smooth within the sentences. In a larger aspect, each of the paragraphs are linked to be easily followed by the audience''s train of thought. The only instance of disconnection in the entire paper is mentioned in the previous section concerning the placement of the paragraph concerning the difficulties of expressing homosexuality.
Decent review. Lacked specific suggestions.
Reviewer 3
3.The essay flowed smoothly. Follow some of the pointers I mentioned before. In that first paragraph of the “what I can do” section: the sentence “Although the equal ability to marry would be a momentous milestone…” doesn’t make any sense. I think your missing something. Work on your sentence use. There is some fluffy language where you just describe your passion over and over again. The reader understands your desire to make society more receptive and open to gays. You can reduce your redundancies by talking more about how you plan to do that and how your college experience contributes to this idea.
The fourth paragraph in the “why I care” section, both the sentence “The true struggle faced by gay youths (as well as adults) is caused….” and “All human beings are constantly redefining themselves and learning…” was really wordy. Focus on your message and work from there. You also used some wordy phrases like “confining molds others cast for you” and “education” and “gay issues” a lot.
Overall, decent flow.
I give you a 7.
The best review. Very relevant and helpful.
Reviewer 4 For the most part, your flow is good. Just watch out that you''re not repeating the same idea over and over (such as that society''s judgment of homosexuality is repressive, that repression leads to identity crises). I''ve picked out a few sentences that exemplify some issues you could work on:
"Discovering your identity is nearly impossible while suppressing your emerging sexuality, which is very much a part of who you are." Repetition and wordiness -- Essentially, you''re correlating identity with sexuality here. Do you need both "identity" and "very much a part of who you are" or is that idea repetition? In the frame of the paper, is it also very strongly implied that identity and sexuality are interrelated? You come back to the idea many times.
Also, remember to watch out for those empty intensifiers: very, extremely, really, etc.
"For me, the climax of this identity crisis resulted during my senior year in high school" - Subject/verb agreement. Does a climax really result?
"A series of events led to the realization of my greatest fear, my parents suspected the truth." - Comma splice. You do this a lot. Make sure that you don''t have two complete sentences on either side of the comma.
The best review. Very helpful. All of the points were great.
Reviewer 5 The flow of the paper was extremely smooth. Every sentence provides further support for the thesis, and the diction of the paper is concise, not fluffy or airy. The transition between the two sections was made easy by the transition, and the flow within the paragraphs themselves was smooth. There are a few places where the punctuation or grammar mistakes cause the reader to “bump,” but overall the paper is smooth. Here are a few suggestions about these places. Second paragraph, second line: “My classmates occasionally called me gay; none of us knew what being gay meant, we only had a faint impression that it meant that you were not normal—which was the greatest fear of any second grader.” The punctuation of this sentence is rather odd. The semicolon, if used at all, should be used between “meant” and “we.” Making the first sentence stand on its own will spice up the sentence variety present in the paper. Fourth paragraph, fourth line: “All human beings are constantly redefining themselves and learning about who they are through their life experiences, but for true self-discovery, you must be living a life relatively free from the expectations and influences of others.” After the transition the writer goes from “they” to “you.” There is a need to maintain one of these pronouns throughout the sentence and the paper so the flow and the thoughts of the paper are not interrupted. As a minor point, “societies” in the last paragraph, 3 lines from the bottom, should be “society’s.”
An extremely helpful review.
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