ࡱ> a ކjbjb11 $[[ހ.......d+d+d+d+ p+L/++++++++"/$/$/$/$/$/$/,a0R2P/.+++++P//..++e////+B.+.+"//B....+"///../+ vq{d+-// {/0//53/53//. "D  "First-Year Seminar Announcement Assignment Publications Grades Contact 12/4/2007 10:46:55 AM Writing topic: Draft Due Writing submitted Back- Review BR Submitted Submitted Draft (Click to read) Assignment Status (Click to Proceed) 1st 10/10 10/11/2007 12:00:55 AM 10/29 10/23/2007 1:21:04 PM My True Role Model Final 10/22 10/22/2007 8:13:35 PM 11/19 10/23/2007 1:21:04 PM A Sense of Understan Make sure you uploaded a correct copy. Read your draft right after you submitted it. Click on the link of your writing to check it out. Refer to the Review Form 40 to understand what aspects of your writing are evaluated. Back-Review or back-evaluation is your evaluations on the helpfulness of reviewers' feedback. This helps reviewers understand what feedback would be helpful. Your reviewers will receive half of their review grades based on this evaluation. If you redo your back-review, you have to re-rate the quality of each comment. Only your last submission of each assignment decides whether or not your submission is late. After receiving reviewers' comments on the first draft, submit your revised papers, and then do the first back-evaluations. Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your Final Draft Focus (Overall quality: .0 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 At first I thought the thesis was this- "It is my goal to share my experience that has given me this new sense of understanding that motivates me to write this paper." But now I am wondering if, "My experiences were difficult at times but they helped open my eyes to a whole new perspective and gave me a whole new outlook on the meaning of this project." should be a part of the thesis. It is to my understanding that a thesis is generally the last sentence in the introductory paragraph. On Blogger, I didn''t see any separation between the introduction and the beginning body paragraph which left me guessing which sentence was really the thesis. Perhaps moving some sentences around would help the reader locate just what exactly the entire passage is about. I think you do give your thesis, but I think your thesis was broken up in different sentences. A piece of it would be in one sentence and another piece would be found in another. I would suggest you work to put everything into one concise sentence and put it into a place that the reader can easily identify it as the thesis. The voice of the writer is clearly there. Experiences are given and the information is mostly relevant. I could argue that all the talk about being lost in the ocean and learning how to fly does exactly integrate with how your motivation has changed or how they provided you with a new perspective though. It was clear that you wanted to give a thorough overview of the Second Life experience and you accomplished this very well. If I were to make a suggestion though, I would suggest to try and only provide information that helps show an increase or shift in motivation or a change in perspective. All the extra stuff about losing yourself in the ocean and being stressed is all extra stuff. I could even be so bold as to say that the reason all this stuff is added in is because you were stressed about the length and you just wrote everything you could about what you knew about the experience. I felt that the part that says, "Robert Frost writes, Two roads diverged in a wood, and II took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." and how you tied this into your leadership thinking was really effective. I felt this really added to your paper, along with your personal experience with Teen Teaching: Peer Leadership and Assistance. Again, some of the extra stuff I think was a little irrelevant. The entire paragraph that begins with, "In terms of slow speed of keyboarding" and ends with, "never hindered my thinking patterns." had nothing to do with motivation or perspective. I consider the possibility that I have identified a thesis that was not the right sentence for your thesis. If this is so, then many other could do the same thing. If it is so, I would, again, suggest that you make one great sentence and make it perfectly clear what the thesis is. This was helpful and made me realize my mistake in not making my thesis clear. Good point made. Reviewer 2 The focus of the paper is unclear in the begenning of the paper. A weak begenning sentence really disfocuses the reader. A thesis in the begenning of the paper is unclear but a focus on the Second Life experience is established and the author focuses on the role models attributes. The writer uses many sources throughout the paper including: class anthology, direct quotes from role model, and an outside author Robert Frost. The conclusion summarizes the experience the author had in the Second Life world and the writer also unifies the role model into that experience. Not very helpful. Said what was wrong but doesn''''t really give suggestions. Reviewer 3 Second Life helped me establish who my role model is on the inside and out. The focus of the paper was strong. You didn''t ramble, and it was clear where your paper was headed. Nicely done! even though he was positive, i didn''''t gain any new tips or advice from this revies. but thank you! Reviewer 4 The purpose of the paper was to relate second life to the connection between you and your grandmother. However, it seems that at times, you deviate from the thesis. In the second and fourth paragraphs, there is a large focus on the difficulty you had with the program itself. Though you frustration with the program may help describe your experience with it, it does not serve much purpose in perspective of the thesis. If you feel this is important to mention, then it should be incorporated in the introduction and conclusion as a part of the thesis. This was a helpful review because he not only stated what he though was weak in my paper, but he gave specific examples and gave suggestions. Lauren, This is Erin, not Dr. Bump. I had a hard time discerning what your thesis was. I think it might be this sentence: "After writing the first phase of our project, we had a chance to kind of experience what it might be like to actually be my grandmother in a program called Second Life. My experiences were difficult at times but they helped open my eyes to a whole new perspective and gave me a whole new outlook on the meaning of this project," that after your first paragraph. I think it was a really good idea to give a recap of why you chose your role model in the introduction, but it should have been much shorter and to the point. You just wrote an entire paper about her. You needed to spend more time introducing the logic and main points of THIS paper. I had to really search for that. Also, because you didn''t set up a "roadmap", your paper lacked focus. Your ideas are great, but your focus is off. Actually, when I read your conclusion, I thought that it was a much better introduction. It was engaging, it laid out most of your main points, and in it, you sounded passionate. With some tweaking, it could have been an EXCELLENT introductory paragraph. Thank you for this review. it gave specific examples with suggestion on how to fix them. Very helpful and will use to write p3. Organization (Overall quality: .0 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 I read another paper that has the similar problem of not have the beginning of new paragraphs clear and the length of the paragraphs are so long, I got lost in the purpose of what I thought the paragraph was supposed to be about. For example: You wrote, "Everyone cooperated and participated with made it more fun, and I felt confident in my answers and opinions throughout the conversations. When I was in high school, I took a class called Teen Teaching: Peer Leadership and Assistance which was a class centered on learning how to become." The paragraph is ages long and the second sentence could easily be a new paragraph. When you change from concept to concept with only a period in between, one paragraph could last forever and a reader (like me) would be lost in all the concepts you''re using. I would suggest writing down every main point that you have written and making a paragraph for each one. The separations would greatly help your organization. Very disappointed in the lack of pictures. I see none on the website. Bump clearly says,"In your illustrations you must include at least one good picture of your avatar (not just the minimal SL postcard size), at least one SL picture of one of the groups in which you participated,* and a picture of you at your computer, if there is any available that include you." I bet you''ll lose tons of points for not following directions. I''m not trying to be mean, but we did talk about it all in class. In fact, I was the one who said it out loud to the class that pictures were required. No captions for no pictures and no integration. They are essential for the grade. There is a logical sequence maintained. Though I felt like the paragraphs would never change to a new paragraph, I did like the personal voice. However, using your voice too much made it sound a little awkward. For example: "Throughout the chat I was stressed out not because" This is awkward, because you should have put "wasn''t" and left out the "not" and there should be a comma after "chat" Also: "somebody else maybe decided to then move onto a different topic or question." When talking, you might say "maybe" like this, but when your writing, the whole beginning of the sentence is awkward. The introduction was fairly decent. I was not prepared to read, "It is now time to write the second phase of a three-part project where in the first phase we talked about what a role model meant to us and who our own personal role model was," though. First of all, this sentence has "second phase" as the subject and the rest of the sentence is about the "first phase," so, it is totally confusing. Second of all, stating that your going to right about a second phase and not saying what the second phase should be about makes this sentence so out of place, I can''t even think of a good place for this sentence in the essay. I felt you had a pretty good conclusion. You added in a strong quote and the last sentence really was a great addition too. "Because of this project I strengthened my ability to utilize sympathetic imagination and new drives of motivation which lead me to gaining a new sense of understanding." This, I think is what really made the conclusion as good as it is. I''m not convinced you should start a sentence with "because" though. When a reader is reading the paper and reads a sentence beginning with "because" a reader must focus on the previous sentence and the new sentence. The reader has split thinking and you want a reader to really focus on this last sentence as much as possible, because it is you big finish to your paper. This person gives a lot of criticism which is good but they could say it in a better way. When you criticize someone, you should be constructive, not snoody. Reviewer 2 The organization of the paper is broken down into simple paragraphs. Establishing a good foundation of the paper with the basics of Second Life. There is no visual rhetoric. More visual rhetoric would have complemented the paper. There is a logical order maintained in the paper and is sustained within the paper, and the author compliments the role models attributes. The paragraphs deal with one topic and a clear topic sentence is found in the following paragraphs. The introduction is not inviting and the conclusion brings the paper to a close. helpful Reviewer 3 There were no pictures, but other than that it was good. The introduction was very confusing for me at first because I didn''t understand where you were headed with it. You seemed to quote the topic of the essay a little too much, so be careful about that. Nice conclusion though. Your real thesis didn''t seem to come until the second paragraph, so make sure it is in your intro. Thank you. Reviewer 4 I do not believe the introduction should explain the assignment itself and the previous assignment. I believe if you want to show the reader that this assignment has become more than a simple grade, but a reflection, you should simply show us. Don''t tell us you are going to show us. The introduction should be spent setting up the rest of the essay. However, I did think you did a good job with relating the topic back to second life. I was constantly reminded throughout the essay that it was about second life and your grandmother. This was kind of helpful. Because you didn''t have a very strong introduction and thesis, I found your body to be a bit disorganized. You had no "roadmap" to guide you. You had some wonderful ideas and imagery, but no infrastructure, no skeleton to hold it all up. This was kind of helpful. Flow (Overall quality: .0 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 I am worried about whether or not I identified what you wanted to be the thesis of your paper. A reader shouldn''t be worried and because I am, I am not entirely sure your followed your main argument. From the prompt that Bump gave us, I think you gave a strong overview of your experience, did not go into a lot of depth about your change in motivation or change in perspective, and added a lot of things to help explain your experience, but repeated some things that probably shouldn''t have been repeated the way they did. You talked about being at the bottom of the ocean multiple times. If you wanted to include this part of the experience, I think it would have helped you if you put all your difficulties into one paragraph, instead of putting the bottom of the ocean in different places. I would say your main points would be: You had a major problem getting used to Second Life You enjoyed overcoming your difficulties and was proud of yourself. You identified what you thought a leader is. You wanted to show that you used sympathetic imagination. These main points were a bit scattered, but I think I found them. Transition are a bit harsh. Transitions like," I felt confident in my answers and opinions throughout the conversations. When I was in high school, I took a class called Teen Teaching:" and "flying into trees and buildings or being stranded under water for long periods of timeall of which were frustrating experiences. However, once I began to understand how Second Life operates, my experiences with" should not just jump from one thing to another. The transitions should flow into one another. Jumping from opinions to high school, especially, was abrupt. There are lots of mistakes with punctuation and awkward wording. Here are some examples: "After completing our Second Life chats on our private island, I felt proud of myself for being able to accomplish a task like that one." You shift from plural to singular. Personal opinions, valid arguments and educated points were shared during both conversations, and I felt like everyone was very engaging and accepting of other peoples opinions and responses. I believe there should be a comma after arguments and "I felt..." should be a new sentence instead of connecting them with "and." Everyone cooperated and participated with made it more fun, and I felt confident in my answers and opinions throughout the conversations. "with" should be "which" Proofreading would greatly help this paper I stand by what i said earlier. Reviewer 2 The flow of the paper is clear and concise. The main points are found clearly throughout the paper and the points transition fluently into the next topic. The punctuation throughtout the paper positively effects the paper and complements the rest of the paper. Thank you. Reviewer 3 Overall, very good job. I saw no apparent mistakes in your punctuation, and your thoughts flowed well. Watch your intro because it seemed to get a little wordy. Other than that, AWESOME! Thank you! Reviewer 4 I do not know whether it is because of the way you write or the format of blogger, but it is hard to see where the paragraphs separate. Some of the sentences sound redundant. Like the section you talk about how second life makes it easy for people to express their opinions in a secure environment. Thank you I''''ll pay attention to that for P3. I didn''t really find any errors in your paper, but there are some issues of style and syntax. Paragraph 1: "Experience is the key that transports us to the other side of that glass wall to the other side where we gain a true sense of understanding." Your imagery is wonderful, but the wording is a little redundant. End of Paragraph 1: "She was so passionate about what she was doing as a teacher, and I believe that one of the reasons why she was such a good teacher was because she was following her own passions and dreams while leading others in the same direction." This is also a little redundant. Maybe you could have taken out a few words. For example, " She was an excellent teacher (who/because she) followed her own passions and dreams while leading others in the same direction." Paragraph 3: "I had never used a program like this before and it was very difficult trying to figure out how everything worked and how you could really make the most of all that Second Life had to offer." You need a coma between "before" and "and", otherwise you have a run-on sentence. Another issue I saw was when you said, "It is now time to write the second phase of a three-part project where in the first phase we talked about what a role model meant to us and who our own personal role model was," in paragraph 1. I don''t think you need this sentence. It makes your first paragraph sound very elementary. Other than these things, I didn''t have many "stops." If you have any questions or need help with P3, please feel free to email me or talk with me in class. Thank you! This was constructive but also encouraging. I will work on these things for p3. Email to the SWoRD administrator at sword@pitt.edu for your tech support. Copyright ?002 Univ. of Pittsburgh. All Rights Reserved. Reviews and Back-Reviews on Your 1st Draft Focus (Overall quality: 5.6 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 The purpose is clear, but some of the writing is redundant. The thesis is not clear in one sentence, but a reader can gather that the topic over a role model. The focus was maintained in many personal, generic sentences. There was a lot of good reflection within the paper about the role model. Reviewer 2 The writer establishes a clear idea of the role models attributes as she continues to teach those around her by leading her life with values, passion and strength. She has had a huge impact on my life because of the way she has lived hers. The writer takes a series of quotes to explain to relationship between her and her grandmother. The grade of course, was not all that important. The lesson that he taught me, however, was invaluable; whatever you do, give it your best shot or dont do it at all. The conclusion of the paper is still focused on the topic and concludes profoundly. My grandmother taught me to be strong and stand up for what I believe in and lead a life that makes me happy and content. She has been an incredible role model, and I will carry these lessons and these mutual joys of reading and teaching she has shared with me for the rest of my life. Reviewer 3 My grandmother was an inspiration to me because of how she lived her life and I hope to someday be like her. The focus of this paper was good. You stayed to the point, and made it very clear of why your grandmother was such an important role model to you. The literature you cited was very relatable to your thesis, and your conclusion did a good job of summarizing everything up. Reviewer 4 Focus The project is well focused, clearly stating its thesis, adding to that argument, and concluding strongly the importance of said thesis. The author provides relevant quotes that really create a depth of argument that help focus the argument further and add to the project. After reading the introduction, I find your thesis to be, Because of the great teacher my grandma was, and how she helped me grow, I look up to, and try to emulate her. From here, you stay on track discussing the importance of your grandmother to your life, and how she has affected you throughout your life. In the introduction I think the and example is superfluous, guidance, support, and advice would work perfectly; the addition of example only reiterates the introductory point you have already made. Which is a good relation of your blessed life, and where you find your role model from. Avoid words like so they are unnecessary and dont add to the meaning of a sentence. A good rule of thumb to use when writing is, does this word contribute to what I want to say here and if it doesnt, dont use it. I have learned many valuable lessons from many wonderful role models works fine, it keeps the meaning concise, and the focus clear. In general try to avoid unnecessary words that do not contribute to your points. Try to avoid passive sentences, instead of has been one of these role models to me throughout my entire life try has been one of my role models throughout my life. It is shorter, simpler, and still conveys the same meaning, just more focused. Keep everything focused, be careful of how you use your articles, She taught the sixth grade and later served as the principal for the junior school for many years, would sound better if you said, She helped many students educational journeys, serving first as a sixth grade teacher before becoming a middle school principal. Remember to keep the key point in focus, and keep it clear and simple. In the final sentence of the first paragraph, something such as My grandmother was always an amazing teacher, even after she quit teaching in the classroom. By living her life with values, passion, and strength, she has continued to teach those around her long after leaving the confines of the classroom. Your verb usage is very consistent; you stay in the same tense, and keep the focus on the subject, not on distracting changes of tense. At the same time, dont change pronoun usage. She would always praise you and make you feel good about yourself, would be better if She would always praise me and make me feel good about myself. After all this is a personal essay, and how your own role model relates to you. The quote adds to the project, but introduce it, or mention who said it, provide some context, and then relate it to your role model, thus giving it even more meaninggiving a more complete picture. The quote about growing closer through music is perfect, but again just provide some context and relation to you and your role model, it would improve it further. Your quotes work, but they would work better with context and transition, something you were lacking. The conclusion does provide a good summary of your points in the paper, it relates well your grandmothers influence to your current life. You effectively show show how she changed your life, and made your dream to become like her, an become a great teacher. Especially in a conclusion, avoid passive voice at all costs. Dont say I think something, state clearly and strongly what you want to finish your argument with. My grandma refused to compromise her values and morals, and that is why she is a role modelmy role model. The focus is clear, the language is strong, and your point is a lot stronger. Reviewer 5 It was good. Every paragraph serves a purpose. It is a very personal essay since this role model is really only known in this light to her. This makes her more passionate and more capable of portraying her in the light she wants. Lauren, This is Erin, not Dr. Bump. I found your thesis in the introduction, which is a good thing. You talked about how she was an amazing teacher, and though she doesn''t teach any more, she is still able to teach through example. You did a reasonably good job developing this idea throughout your paper. However, you went into several long descriptions of childhood memories that were not tied into this idea very well. While I liked to hear about breakfast with your grandma, I don''t think it had a whole lot to do with teaching, which is what your thesis was about. However, you were able to bring it back with your conclusion. You addressed your thesis and were able to tie up your loose ends. Organization (Overall quality: 5.2 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 There seemed to be good organization. There were not captions or visual rhetoric. I would suggest putting in pictures. The papers seems to be developed as the writer is thinking the thoughts. It is almost telling a story while explaining why the person chose the role model. Reviewer 2 The organization of the paper builds a strong foundation of the writers role model. The paper is broke down into the growth of her life and how her grandmother positively influenced her life. The paper has many quotations but there is not multimedia. The strength of the quotes do have relevance to the paper and make the paper stronger. Reviewer 3 The organization of this paper was a bit choppy. It flowed well at the beginning, but it seemed to begin getting repetitive. The thesis was developed, just make sure not to repeat yourself too much. The only reason I''m marking it a bit lower is because there were no visuals. Reviewer 4 Organization The paper is well organized. It follows a logical structure that compliments the thesis established in the strong introduction. The thesis is stated early, and the rest of the paper adds to the argument in defense of the thesis. Never was I confused about the direction of the paper, instead I was constantly in tune with the thought process of the writer, and I could understand the relation of the author and her role model, and realize the importance of that relation. The paper concludes strongly, showing how the affects of her role model, have affected how the writer views the world, and what she wants to do with her life. She thoroughly reiterates her main points, the connections she has with her grandma, and how her grandma was a great teacher to her and othersand why that is admirable. Featuring some strong transitions, the paper could have been further organized with the use of more transitions between stated idea, and quoted source. While the sources truly contributed to the paper, transitions providing more context and relation, would have only helped improve the paper. The paper did lack visual images, and sound, which held the project back from fully capturing both the right and left brain of the reader. Pictures of the author with her grandma, the special places addressed in the project, and especially video or audio of the author and her role model playing piano would have added another dimension of the project, allowing the reader to immerse themself completely in the situation the author was addressing. Addition of a few visual sources, would really improve the whole project, especially if they were well connected with the verbal rhetoric used by the author. Long sentences are not always bad, but when you can split a compound sentence up into two simple sentences, do it. Short, concise sentences dont make you look less intelligent, they express your thoughts a lot clearer. I have learned many valuable lessons from many wonderful role models. From these role models I have gained understanding on the kind of person I want to become. Reviewer 5 There is good organization. Every paragraph describes something specific of your grandmother and it always relates how that has affected you. Then the conclusion sums it up. I didn''t see any evidence of Visual Rhetoric, so I cannot really give you a score for that. Other than that, you did a good job organizing your thoughts. You brought it all home in paragraph 5 when you discussed what impact she, as well as your other teachers, have on you now. Flow (Overall quality: 5.4 ) Reviewer Comments Back-Review Reviewer 1 Punctuation seems to be ok. There tends to be clauses separated by a comma in a lot of the sentences. The flow is decent. The paper is generic in many places and so the information is not difficult to read. Reviewer 2 The flow of the paper is fluent and concise. The writer has first hand experiences with their role model. The punctuation of the paper is correctly used. The punctuation is a strong point of the paper. The writer relieves the common reader to easy quotes and common vernacular that is easy to understand. Reviewer 3 The flow was good, but a bit choppy at some points. Be sure to use stronger transistions in your writing and not to get too repetitive. The punctuation looked really good though! Good paper! Reviewer 4 Flow The flow of this project worked well, and allowed for me, the reader, to follow the main points. The author flowed from main point, to other strong points, that followed a logical, followable order, that created a good flow throughout the project. In some places, she used effective transitions to connect different thoughts strongly, and more such transitions would have further improved the project, helping the reader to flow throughout the argument. Avoid unneeded words, shorter more concise sentences flow better at Grandma and Papas houseone of my favorite places conveys the same meaning with less words, and no passive which is thus helping the flow improve. Passive phrases are not strong, instead of I think the reason why breakfast try All of those wonderful breakfasts Grandma made, and the treasured memories from those meals made breakfast my favorite meal. Long complex sentences sometimes inhibit the flow of a paragraph. In the second paragraph instead of the sentence She would something such as Crafts, games, planting flowers and vegetables, or even simply sitting on the bridge in front of her house, Grandma was always trying to make us happy. To help improve your flow, from talking about the fun you had with your grandmother into the part about her teaching you a love for reading, separate the two thoughts. Make another paragraph, and then make the connection with an effective transition. Something like, But no matter what we were doing, Grandma always found time for us to read. Again try to avoid long compound sentences, when two separate sentences would do the trick. thinks I will enjoy. If we ever read a book that we think the other would like, then we will trade books. The transition between the books and music section is perfect, it is clean, clear, and concise, it helps the paper move along perfectly, moving into the next area your Grandma affected you without a hitch. After this great transition keep up the good flow, by simplifying a group of thoughts into clear sentences, a sentence such My great-grandmothers piano, which sits in my living room, was the piano that both I and my grandma learned to play on. Instead of hiccupping through numerous sentences, one sentence is able to express the same point. I like the flow of the paragraph on an ideal teacher, it is rhythmmatic and makes teaching an art form, something it truly is, and something you wanted to express. After establishing that strong tone, avoid passive voice such as in my opinion just state strongly My grandma embodies all that a teacher should be. Continue to work on transitions between your writing and quoted sources, by transitioning smoothly between the two, you can both set up the importance, and reinforce the connection to your argument, both helping your papers flow and focus. Overall the flow of the paper could be improved with stronger traditions between paragraphs, and your ideas and quoted sources. Strong transitions would really elevate this paper to another level. Reviewer 5 Some of the sentences are too wordy. The first two sentences, especially, should be concise and set the tone for the rest of the essay. I think, since the focus is the Grandmother, these first two sentences can be combined into one just to make the point that there are many influential people in your life. Almost all of the sentences are in subject - verb form. It is too redundant to start every sentence with the subject. It needs to be varied. Everything flowed together quite well. You stayed on topic, for the most part, and I got up from reading your essay with a pretty solid idea of why your grandma is your role model. I didn''t see any significant punctuation or grammatical errors. If you have any questions about my comments, feel free to send me an email or speak with me in class. Email to the SWoRD administrator at sword@pitt.edu for your tech support. Copyright ?002 Univ. of Pittsburgh. 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