Comments - My Projects

Project 1

I liked your unique storytelling style and your original ideas with the running into a mystical natural place of time transport with "mesquite trees in a very lonely location". Plus the interview was very entertaining, "What do you think about the name Robert Lee for a boy."

The only mistakes I saw looked like they occured in the process of posting them on Blackboard like your paragraph spacing is all over the place and some spaces are missing between words, "Iwas...". Also, i htink you should try to change most of your past tense to present, it helps the interest of the story. Some of your word endings are also missing like"I was enroll in the University...", which she be "I was enrolled in the University...". Anyways, not bad, and I hope to see the finished project!

good Rip Van Winkle plot opening
and good ending

clarify:
My warm-ups

check word choice in phrases such as:
there were so many people in one whole area
we are going to do is trying to work not only by solving problems but we need to input every information we gather
thinking beyond our status
" My conscious was telling me to go to his office hours and acquire information from his knowledge.
Seeing this problem I knew that it was not quite precise and finally prove that these axioms can be done in a more simplistic manner.
to generalize the idea of continuity for maps from the reals R to itself.
the facial hair which surpasses my chest

areas of writing needing improvement:
sentence fragments
comma splices
paragraphing
footnoting
spelling
choice of prepositions
tense shifts
proofreading

I recommend the Undergraduate Writing Center for help with this project. You can get credit for your third hour as well when you go there.

You have a lot of good information in your paper and enjoyed the route your story took. As a suggestion, you should try to vary your word choice at the very beginning a little more. For instance, in the first few sentences when you repeat run and took me, try and find alternative phrases. Like, instead of, ?I was feeling very energetic so my run took me farther than I had ever gone before. It took me to an area of mesquite trees in a very lonely location,? try ?I was feeling very energetic so my run took me farther than I had ever gone before. At the end of my workout I came upon an area of mesquite trees in a very lonely location.

Also, as a correction the sentence, "Seeing my friend Tom was a huge relieve", should read, "Seeing my friend Tom was a huge relief."

In your conclusion I would advise that you cut the descriptions of your appearance change that you discussed in the beginning. It seems repetitive to restate them, so you can either say that you changed back to your normal self, or pick other physical traits to describe you at the end.

I liked the beginning, good settings and descriptions. I can tell you're really interested in the topic and did plenty of research. You need some work on your tenses and repetition of words and phrases appear too often. The interview format is out of place and akward. Your questions are so specific it seems planned, as if you had researched him and planned your day dream. Ler him do a little more explaining and find a way to ask more general questions.

The sentence "The first thing we are going to do is trying to work not only by solving problems but we need to input every information we gather and try to see how can we use this information outside the box." would be better written as "The first thing we are going to do is to work not only by solving problems but by inputting all information we gather and trying to see how we can us this information outside the box."

I liked your introduction because it provided a real glimpse of how you felt about entering college. You have put how you feel about this new place, your new home in a unique, metaphorical way. While the "growth of hair" may not be the most straight foward way to present your change as a person, it provides some insight on this magical transformation you feel.

The interview was interesting and I could tell you're interested in mathetmatics.

there were some spelling mistakes and some redundancies throughout, such as when you say "you woke up." and then immediately follow with "I Awoke." When revising for the final version I would try to eliminate this repetitiveness as much as possible.

" Now I started getting more nervous. I remember yesterday being a kid and playing with my video games and now I was enroll in the University of Texas at Austin and I was about to go to my Calculus class with a proffesor who I didn’t even know."

^^^ I like the concept of this sentence (like i said before), but I think it should be structured along the lines of this. As it is, it's a big run-on sentence. My revision:

"Now I started getting more nervous. Just yesterday I was kid playing videogames; Now I'm about to go to a Calculus class with some unknown professor at the University of Texas at Austin."

"everything going in circle(S)" needs an s,
change relieve to relief in the next paragraph,
and towards the end where you are speaking with Moore there is a type-o, I and am run together, "Iam"
Good paper though. I loved it.

I really liked your syle of writing and the descriptions of your new-self in the begining.

* I had thick hair grown out of my arms and legs. My hair on my head was long, reaching the back of my waist. I had also grown a beard. Not like the facial hair I once had, but a full-out bundle of hair reaching well past my chest.

They kept the story line interesting and easy to keep up with.

I saw a few tense and punctuation mistakes

*and now I was enroll in the University of Texas at Austin

*The first thing we are going to do is trying to work not only by solving problems

*I stayed for a while in the class and the proffesor just looked at me and said, "if you have any questions regarding this course you can come to my office hours (period here)" My conscious was telling me to go to his office hours and acquire information from his knowledge.

Aside from these small errors I think your research was well done. Maybe the interview could have been less formal, but it was effective in presenting the facts.

Project 2

You did a really nice job of pumping up your paper with strong visual imagery such as in the sentence, “As we venture through a long flat stretch of highway in Mexico and the hills of Baja California my anticipation grew for the warm air the Carribean Island.” These descriptions really keep the reader’s interest and make them feel a part of the writing.

As far as corrections, the sentence, “Dr. Moore the tall, adventurous Calculus teacher who truly made me realized the value of education,” is a fragment. In order to make it complete, you should rewrite it as, “Dr. Moore is the tall, adventurous Calculus teacher who truly made me realized the value of education.

The main thing I would focus on adding is quotes. Much of your grade depends on intertwining exact quotes from the author into the paper, so I’d work some of them in there. Don’t forget footnotes too.

Once again you have expressed your appreciation for Moore and the mathematical teachings hes known for, which i think reflects on you personally. Its good that you wrote about someone that really interests you.

Interesting storyline with some unexpected twists. I liked the advice Moore gives you on life. I would suggest a couple changes:

For dialogue, do not use ME: blah blah Moore: hohoho... instead use quotation marks and integrate them into your paragraph. it will be much for fluid.

Secondly try to tie in real quotes from primary sources of Moores, perhaps a book on calculus theory or something.

Thirdly, the sentence "It was a very spirited room for the lively man he stood to be." seems a bit wordy and feel it should be changed to

"It was a very spirited room for the lively man he was"

Well done, your writing has improved over this course.

I like the beginning, it allows the reader to connect with you on a personal level. Your descriptions of the beach are also very good. You need to correct some simple errors like indenting at the beginning of a paragraph. Good information but I don't know if it fits the criteria for the assignment

The sentence "He went over the math in great detail while also informing me of how eminently important it was for academics to be my top priority." is redundant. It would be better written as "He went over math in great detail while also informing me how eminent it was for academics to be my top priority."

I liked how you connected with the person that you chose. You set up a very realistic relationship with this character and this adds to your project.

I saw a small mistake. The sentence was :Although Dr. Moore main purpose was to perfect my Calculus skills, he did so much more that he was unaware of doing.

It needs to be: Although Dr. Moore's main purpose was to perfect my Calculus skills, he did so much more that he was unaware of doing.

Maybe you could take off the 'doing' at the end also, it may sound better.